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Is he cheating? He changed passwords without telling me and has been gone long hours!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 October 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband works as a sales rep, he went out yesterday 6am got back in 920pm at night. He rang at 5 pm to ask what me and our son wanted for tea and said he wouldn't be home until 830pm. He thought i would be ok with him when he got home being out 15 hours said he didn't leave work until 445pm and the traffic was bad he went to london. He went out today at 6am,i said i wouldn't want to go out so early again when i done it the day before and he said he had an appointment at 8am, i don't know were it was.he went to London a month ago and before that he went every 2 weeks and would be out from 6am til 830pm, said its a job hes doing up there. Is he cheating? He as two phones and said the only reasin he got a second one was because he didnt like using the works one. Says hes not cheating never as but i feel im getting laughed at and we are sleeping separate not doing anything together so it feels like a separation happening anyway. I can check his phones but he did change his password on his private gmail two months ago without telling me, he said he did tell me but i would of remembered. I have checked his emails in the past but stopped doing it and one day decided to check it and that's when i did take a look and he had changed it. Said i can ring his boss for proof he was in londin and he will show me the evidence, part of me just wants to leave him as ive had my doubts with him for years when he went on dating sites, said he done it because he thought i was cheating but thats an excuse to me. The night before he went to London i was talking to him and he wasnt interested because of the way he behaved, it was like his mind was on something else and im wondering was it because he was out to cheat on me the next day.He fixes water pumps as well as selling them but he had no dirt under his nails, said he was wearing gloves.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

He's a sales rep and clearly travelling to clients is a big part of his job. Do you live anywhere near London, I am barely over 100 miles away but the traffic of London could result in a 3 hour journey simply because the M25 is such a gridlocked road from 7.30am-9am and again 4.45pm-6.30pm. Yet the same journey outside of peak hours is much shorter.

Do you have a job yourself, or any hobbies to keep you busy? I would try and find something to keep you busy during the day, instead of counting the hours he's at work. You don't want to falsely accuse him of cheating on you when in actual fact he is working 15 hour days to support his family...

Unless you have some real signs that he's cheating on you (and the 2 phones, for someone in sales, is not too unusual) but something like his pay not adding up to the hours he is putting in at work - then try and be less suspicious.

Going through someone's phone and emails is massively unhealthy, and perhaps this negativity is causing you two to sleep apart and he's not going to want to really engage with you if all he gets is accusations and his phone searched.

Perhaps you should locate a relationship counsellor, someone who can see you both separately and together and you can both try and work at this relationship rather than let anything else come between you both. You shouldn't need to check your partners phone and email, lose trust in a relationship and it will fall apart.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (30 October 2015):

Ivyblue agony aunt4:45 - 9:20 thats ALOT of heavy traffic. Two phones, whats wrong with using a work phone for work purposes and if the second one is for personal use has he given you the number and how often does he call you from that number? Did you ask him if he was cheating or did he volunteer that information? As in -it can't be true if I suggested it aint kind of thing. Bit like the phone ' if I give her access to the phones maybe she won't question the gmail' again did he tell you again what the password was or fob it off? Sorry if i come off super suspicious but when it comes to cheating you really do only have your self to rely on,so getting to the truth can seem a bit OTT. If he has been working extra hours his payslip should be evident of extra money, phone bill date,time and number matching. Not quite enough to confirm anything but enough to be vigilant i think

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