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Is he being a bit too selfish or not?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2017)
A male age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi, my boyfriend (45) and me (34) live in two different (European) states. We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other). Then we struck a “whatsapp relationship” until I flew to him for a week during the New Year break, in order to spend more time together. We love each other, but there are two problems in the way:

1. I told him I can't join him if there's no job opportunity for me there, as I want my financial independence..

2.He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends.

With me not having been in a proper relationship, but considering to make such a move to be together, isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark although he says he loves me too??

He says we’d get bothered of each other if we always lived together. Then how come he stayed in 2 long unhealthy – according to him - relationships?? For the financial support he much needed during those years?? (I need to ask him about this too..)

All things considered, would his suggestion be the right thing to do, or is this a massive red flag??

Thanks..

P.S. We were born in the same country, but 15 years ago he moved to where he lives now.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHe doesn't love you. He wants a part time girlfriend not one full time. Yes it could have been because he was in a abusive relationship in the past am not sure but I honestly don't think you should move over there. Unless off course you want to just be a part time girlfriend? Am sorry sweetie but he doesn't seem to be wanting long term commitment like you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

LDRs can be tricky and hard.

Any relationship can be. I think this is good that your having these conversations. I think it also good that you see how his previous relationships are playing a role in this one. That's love and understanding.

Personally I was the same way in my LDR. I didn't want to move in immediately. I wanted to slowly bring in the relationship to the shorter distance.

No reason to rush. Helps monitor changes in the relationship. Ever hear to much of a good thing can be a bad thing? If this is his rationale then I would say he's playing long game and wants it to last. If that is what he's after and you still feel upset or like he's being selfish search your feelings for why.

Talk to him about that. Say when you said this about not moving in together if I was in the same town it made me feel xyz. See what he says. I wouldn't make it an ultimatum. One of things I learned about LDRs is they aren't for the faint of heart and require a lot introspection. Times where she didn't answer the phone or said this. I found it was a lot of me fighting my own demons as much as I was fighting for the relationship. Good Luck P!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He originally comes from the same region as me..He's told me he was in 2 abusive relationships -to the point of being totally ignored by his wealthy providing partners. It seems that he wants to take it out on me by trying to put a barrier between us in the very beginning..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the input..Well, he said that during the day he wouldn't be able to take care of me and my meals, to which I remarked that I could look after myself - I have always been independent in many regards..

To support his point, he said that in the he'd be tired, inferring that he'd have no time for Mr.. .

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A female reader, Nittynora United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2017):

Nittynora agony auntWhat is he going to be doing for the rest of the week, if you move out there and you only see him on weekends?

What is the point of you moving you home and job and states for him who only wants to see you on weekends.

How much do you really know about him?

He says that you would get fed up of each other if you moved in together he has given up on the relationship even before it has started.

When you move in with someone and you love them you are excited, he just wants you there on his terms.

So you are going to move heaven and earth for him and he just wants to see you at weekends.

I do think this is a massive red flag.

I'm sorry don't mean to be harsh but I would be careful

xxx

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