A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy 6 weeks ago and it was a bit of a wonderful whirlwind, he was very keen and just pretty damn perfect from the get go but things are now starting to feel different.About a month before we met my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and things are not looking good, I told this guy about this from the start as I wasn’t sure how it would impact things. He was incredible and very understanding as he’s lost both his parents to cancer. However over the last week or so he’s pulled back and we had a conversation where he said that he wants my focus to be on my family not him, he said he’s not going anywhere but we should not commit to anything right now due to my situation including making plans together, he assured me he’s not interested in meeting anyone else but I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried. Literally two weeks ago he referred to me as his girlfriend and was talking about planning things together and now this, is he backing off because of my Dad or is this a reason/excuse to back off completely? I’m so worried. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 May 2019):
 My feeling on this is that he is using his own sad past experience to try to help you in the only way he knows how. He knows that, when we lose someone we love, guilt is part of the grieving process and that, if you divert time away from your dad to your new boyfriend, you will feel guilty about it if/when your father passes away. This guilt could ultimately split you up because, unreasonable and illogical as it will be, you may blame him, at least in part, for you not spending more time with your dad.
In your shoes I would thank him for understanding and for being so selfless, but also ask him to give you support through this hard time by at least being there for you on the phone or via other methods of contact.
Sending hugs. Your father may only have a limited time left in this life. You will have the rest of YOUR life to find a partner.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2019): I'll start with this:
"However over the last week or so he’s pulled back and we had a conversation where he said that he wants my focus to be on my family not him, he said he’s not going anywhere but we should not commit to anything right now due to my situation including making plans together, he assured me he’s not interested in meeting anyone else..."
I lost my sister in May 2018 to lupus. I lost two others to rare forms of cancer; and one sister from a blood clot to the brain, following knee surgery. I lost my partner of 28 years to cancer. I know what that does to people; and how much it takes a toll on us physically and emotionally. I was there while they received chemotherapy, suffered in pain, and went through long stressful medical-treatments. They all held-on to their own faith, as did I.
Your new boyfriend has been through it, and he doesn't know you well enough to relive that kind of grief and worry. You'll just have to trust him, and concentrate more on your father. Even husbands may not be able to live-up to the demands of such grief and stress when they need to. It's human, and we have to be understanding; because there will come a time when you'll be the same. You just won't have it in you! Although, in all good intentions, you'd wish to be otherwise. He's being honest.
I was already in a committed-relationship when I lost each of my sisters; but I carried the load myself. I had to be strong on my own; and be a source of strength for my surviving siblings, nieces, nephews, brothers-in-law, and my sisters-in-law. It's a heavy load to carry with or without help; but you can't expect other people to be willing to suffer and bear your burden. It's too much to ask. My faith teaches that I put God and others first. God took care of me in my pain and suffering.
Your gentleman-friend will do what he can, but he doesn't know you well enough to go through so much. Perhaps you shouldn't be expecting it so early in an infant-relationship.
Yes, he's backing-off; because he knows what you'll be going through. He has no right to distract you, or demand anything of you. Surely, he has a sense of compassion and a conscience; but he can't allow you to become too dependent on his strength, when he may be uncertain whether he has it or not. People who haven't been through this may not understand what I'm saying. They'll just think he's a weak and selfish person. I don't!
Even if he is walking away; it's asking too much to have someone to go through what could take years of treatment and recovery. You won't be yourself, and he fell for you in better times. He may have initially said he could handle it; but in the throws of passion and romance, people say what they may not mean or make promises that can't be kept. It dawns on them at some point it just might be too much.
He is giving you the room to deal with your emotions, your grief, and time to focus on your father's illness. It will take-up most of your time. You will have much to do, and he'd get in the way. He's not in a romance to deal with grief and suffering; he is seeking peace, love, and happiness. Had this been a well-established relationship; he'd feel more obligated to stand closely by you. Only time and circumstance will reveal what he actually will do.
I am not going to condemn his actions; nor will I attempt to predict how he will behave as you progress through this time of crisis. I will presume he will be watching on the sidelines; and he will give you his support. He may surprise you!
He is human, and I know how all my own grief returned when supporting others who had to deal with serious illnesses or cancer treatment of their loved-ones. Enduring the recall and flashbacks proved unbearable at times. I couldn't give them as much of myself as they needed; because I had to lean towards self-preservation. However, I always checked on them, I prayed for them and their loved ones; and they always knew I was but a phone-call away at all times. My door was always open; and my home their sanctuary when they needed me. Maybe not as much as they might have wanted, but as much as I could humanly offer.
I will pray for you and your father; and ask that God give you strength, and your dad a full and speedy recovery. If you have faith, and you believe in worship; God is always there to lean on. He gave me strength and endurance. He has built within me a powerful sense of compassion; but I'm human, and that has it's limits.
God bless, and be with you and yours.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 May 2019):
 I think you need mutual understanding so you can have peace to just concentrate on your family without worrying that he would lose interest. He might be the type of person that needs a lot of space and cannot commit to a relationship when one family member is dying. He does not understand that everybody grieves in a different way. If you want his support, I think he is unreasonable to push you away when you reach out to him. I don't see any point of changing or stalling relationship status because of your family situation, if you ask me. What he said was unnecessary. He could be saying this because it suited him in the past. Doesn't mean it's the same for you. I have seen that people break up because of family deaths and how the dynamics chance so much because one does not know how to deal with another's suffering. Some people break up over this, and that's just both unfortunate and ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 May 2019):
 Could be an excuse.
If he came on hard and then 6 weeks later is backing off... It might be that he is using your dad;s illness as an excuse to walk away but doing in the gentlest way possible that HE can think off.
Or he might KNOW from experience that you WILL regret not spending as much time with your dad as possible at this point in your father's life. So he is GIVING you space to do so.
I say listen to his advice. Make your dad the focus for now. If this guy is CHOOSING to back away there isn't much you can do to change his mind.
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