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Is he always finding fault with me...

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2006) 8 Answers - (Newest, 23 February 2007)
A female , *K writes:

Hi, I have been married for 2 years. My problem is that my husband is always finding fault with me. Even the smallest things are a major issue to him. And worst of all, he does not tell me abt his dissatisfaction but complains to my mum, brother etc. In front of me, he says nothing, smiles and laughs. BUt he keeps all this small things in his heart then complains to everybody. What should I do? I have already told him that if there are any problems, we should discuss it ourself. There is no point telling other. It is only making me angry and even worst not solving any problem.

By the way the faults that he finds with me are so small, like not doing breakfast EVERYDAY for him. There are also always the blames even if I do all the housework, cooking etc but still he manages to find faults with the things I do.

What should I do? I am going crazy with his attitude. I married bcos I loved him and still do and wish to god that we can lead a more peaceful and happy life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007):

i can understand kinda how you feel! i dont live with my partner but anytime there is a problem its always my fault, i am always the one in the wrong and the one expected to apologise and if i dont it can be strung out for days on end! i know no one is perfect but im not always to blame! my partner is 17 yrs older than me and it seems to be like she always is right and i am always in the wrong!!

sorry to rant i just had to get this out i feel like i am going crazy sometimes! argh!!

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A female reader, PK +, writes (7 February 2006):

PK is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi everyone. Appreciate VERY VERY much all your responses and for taking the time to write. Thank you.

I have read all the responses so many times and keep thinking abt the actions I should take. I am more confident now that I know what I have been feeling is not wrong. I feel like teaching him a lesson and let him know we are equal in a marriage. I do not want to lose the relationship but at the same time I can't just keep quiet. All your suggestions are great. I just hope if I go on a strike he realises his mistake.

Irish49, your explanation was great. I can really relate to it. And I am already looking for a marriage counsellor.

I should maybe even let him read this page :-))

Also my family is on my side. They are so fed up with him. They are just keeping quiet bcos of me. Afterall I have lived with my family much longer then I did with him, so they know who I am and not the kind of person he is complaining abt.

Thank you again. Helped me a lot.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2006):

smeedle agony auntMake today the day you stop doing everything for him and really give him something to complain about, do what I did when my partner complained about having to go to the supermarket with me, he told me he was bored of the shop and was going to sit in the car, i followed him out and told him I too was bored with having to shop, we lived on tins until he gave in complaining, now if he complains I stop doing what im doing and leave it.

Partnerships are what we have, not slavery, dont put up with it, please just stop being his slave.

You will win in the long run!! and you will have his respect even if given grudgingly.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2006):

smeedle agony auntMake today the day you stop doing everything for him and really give him something to complain about, do what I did when my partner complained about having to go to the supermarket with me, he told me he was bored of the shop and was going to sit in the car, i followed him out and told him I too was bored with having to shop, we lived on tins until he gave in complaining, now if he complains I stop doing what im doing and leave it.

Partnerships are what we have, not slavery, dont put up with it, please just stop being his slave.

You will win in the long run!! and you will have his respect even if given grudgingly.

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A female reader, beenthere +, writes (6 February 2006):

i'm guessing that he hasn't always been like this. my partner has always been pretty lazy but did things like washing occassionally. now he just expects me to do it! so i know how you must feel. he needs to know and appreciate how much you do for him. i agree that you should go on strike for a bit. he'll realise just how lucky he is to have you. if he doesn't then he can't be that bothered so leave him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006):

Go on strike and tell him exactly why! This guy is using you as an unpaid slave and you are allowing him. Don't be such a doormat! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be nice and caring but when it crosses the line into what is tantamount to bullying you have to stand up for yourself!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006):

First I want to say, you are being mistreated by your husband and you have a right to be angry. If he is finding fault with all you do, he does not consider you his equal partner. Healthy relationships develop among equal partners. Address this behavior with your spouse immediately. This is not the way a loving, committed husband treats his wife. This may be the way he responds to frustration, but that doesn’t change the fact it's in poor form. It is not your job to keep him from behaving badly. He's a grownup and he takes care of his own emotions and responses. You also have 'issues' with your own family. They should be defending you and being your strongest allies, not siding with him. What's happened here is a vicious cycle of pain. You are both at fault here, to a certain degree. His fault finding has made you feel like a child, thus causing your low self-worth. Your low self-worth is caused by your own weakness to sustain or take a stand against his condescending mannerisms. Now that does not mean you are weak. You are much much stronger than what you think you are. It is right there in yourself. You do love him or not is not the matter at all. What's adding to this problem, is that you are beginning to not love yourself.

Nobody can ever hurt, insult or mistreat you unless you tolerate it. So put your guards up and make yourself stronger. Send love in all forms and one of them being tough love. Love will follow you and you will never be mistreated by anyone. If you cannot change your attitude to becoming stronger, you will remain in this war situation forever until one of you decides the marriage is over. He needs to understand your painful feelings and I think it's time to tell him that, openly and let him know you both need to work as a team and take action. And I do think it's time to seek some good marriage counseling. As for your family, I would focus first on your problems in your marriage-then hopefully when he stops complaining to them-they in turn will respect you more. But make all efforts to keep them out of your marriage..and make sure he does the same. That is wrong. If they don't, you may have to politely distance yourself until they make the choice to treat you with more respect. It sounds like your family is a bit dysfunctional in the way they treat their own. I'm not saying to disown your family, but a rest/ break from them would let you focus on your marriage. I wish you well, dear. Remember to be strong.

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A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2006):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntHe sounds very unreasonable and two-faced to me. You're not his slave and you don't have to cook breakfast for him everyday or do anything he wants for that matter!!! You do things as favours when YOU want to, not when you've been told you should.

And him telling other people instead of talking to you!!! How strange!!! You need to get him sorted. Tell him he keeps your business to himself and talks to you only about marital disagreements. If he is not willing to talk to you then you don't really have much of a relationship left, do you? Tell him to go and marry your mum if he insists on talking to her more than you!!!

You really need to put you foot down. You sound like a good woman who wants to be a good wife too and have a happy life but you will never please someone like this. You need to set him straight or chuck him out! Good luck

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