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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Sorry, but this is post about using a social networking site to validate my worth as a human being. I am on facebook and I am not popular on there, nor am terribly popular in real life. I'm like a leper of facebook actually. Less than 30 friends and I asked for half of them to be my friends. My name is very common, and i didn't join any school or work networks on there, and most people don't know my last name and my profile picture is just whatever image I think is interesting (so, never a picture of myself, but usually nature or art). I kind of hate social networking sites and only got on it to keep in touch and share photos with my closest friends who I don't live near anymore, but I do not accumulate the onslaught of acquaintances on there that some people seem to. I am not hated in real life. I do have close friends and people who stay actively in touch with me, but I sometimes wonder, am I so superficially unlikeable or come off so cold in real life that no know except those that know me well wants to be my virtual friend on FB? I don't like to 'collect' people I don't feel close to. There's probably 15 or so people that I actively want to keep in touch with, but I rarely if ever get those casual 'friendships' on FB. Am I on the wrong path in thinking that this reflects how I fail socially in the real world?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 "Why impose one's self when one is not wanted?" (Original Poster)
Original poster, to have good friends and make strong contacts you have to reach out and risk something. You seem to think people won't like you, but then again, your very picky about the type of friends that you want. If you don't have any problems with your social life, then there is no issue. If you want to make stronger bonds with people, then go out your way to risk something, say hello and make people feel welcome, and in return they will welcome and recognise you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): I don't have an account on dc, so I don't know if this will show up as me being the original poster, but I wanted to say thanks for your responses.
I guess I should clarify my angle regarding this. I just wish sometimes the people that I've met in real life, who stumble across me (through the few friends I have on fb, and would know for sure it's me),would recognize me and want to be my 'friend.' It's not so I can feel special or important, but more because it's like a greeting card--"I thought about you, and thought you'd be worthwhile for a shout-out." I don't want six million fake friends on there, but I have seen friend suggestions on fb, and I am not the type on any social level to just run up to someone I don't know that well and ask them to be part of my life in any capacity, unless I really remember liking them and feeling interested them...and then, I'd only do it if I thought they felt the same in return. Why impose one's self when one is not wanted?
Feroshers really hit the nail on the head with their post. I feel like my social aptitude in real time is reflected on FB in virtual time. People see my name pop up and think 'oh, the bitch/weirdo/shy girl. no way.' they remember me but don't have any reason to want to even be SUPERFICIALLY associated with me.
Yeah, I know this is all ridiculous, but I don't like thinking I'm so awful socially in real life, that I can't earn virtual connections. Anyways, this is getting too silly to type about any longer. Thanks again for your responses.
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 I have over 2000+ friends on both FB and Myspace and you know how many I actually talk to? About 3. The rest are for Mafia wars and other apps.
Listen, don't worry about it. Those 1997 friends I have I could delete in a heartbeat. social Networking sadly has become an extension of our lives, but IT IS NOT REAL!!! IT IS NOT REAL!! IT IS NOT REAL!!!
People p-lace too much credence on those places. Hey do you want a constant update on some ugly ass family and their ugly kids, or how many times somebody moves their bowels and thinks everyone wants to know that they have sourdough bread in the oven? HELL NO!!
Just be you....Social site all stars are socially stunted people who have to live their life through a computer because they don't interact well with people in real life...much like many of the agony aunts and uncles here are socially stunted.....namely ME LMAO!!!!!!!
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female
reader, trueatheart +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Social networking is so overrated! I think it's sad how it seems to have taken over our more personal forms of communication. People these days seem to be way too wrapped up in it. I'm not on Facebook either and agree with CaringGuy's comments!
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Firstly, it does not matter who asked who to be friends as a level of acceptance or status. It's simply that you are connected now so if I asked you to be friends on a social networking site it does not give you any status as if you are better than me.
Secondly, social networking sites are not really that good they are only good to keep in contact with old friends and aquaintences you have met in REALITY, even connect up with new ones obviously, however they are mainly used to keep tabs and communicate in a way that their may be a party for invitations and/or you can post photographs on them like the old fashioned book photo albums.
Finally and most importantly, social networking sites lack the ability to see mannerisms, emotional responce to verbal communication that is spoken for example on a social gathering such as at a bbq or at a pub. At these social places you see lips move, eyes looking, hair waving, and hand movements, posture, and many many more. these all have meaning andhave the ability to make another person respond accordingly.
So in conclusion to your question, no, social networking site have no true reflection of the REAL world maby partially but not true or exact.
try spending less time on social networking sites and go out for more social events ... try: meetup.com a site where you can meet up with people in real life in your area who have the same or similar interests.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): thats true if you live only in a virtual world and not in a real world it is a sad lonely planet. on the other hand my in laws all live at least 7 hours away. it is much easier to post a status update saying Hey everyone i passed my big EMT class, than it would have been to phone everyone individually. Or even to say, hey im happy to report that B****'S arm wasnt broken. or please pray for B**** he has a kidney stone... and by the same token i keep up with their lives in a way that i wouldnt be able too. it doesnt replace personal contact in my books but compliments it. mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): So funny, how people have completely opposite perspective on issues. i am on face book, but when my long distance friend only contacts me via facebook, i really get offended. Can she pick up the phone and call me, so we could have a chat, not to exchange few sentences on facebook.I don't even respond to her anymore, as i think it's absolutely ridiculus not to call people but only communicate w/them via internet.
Why would you care about some complete strangers, that u don't even see in real life?That's a very lonely planet we live on.....
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (8 February 2010):
 OH MY BAD!! That was withdraw not draw. My computer keys jam up and I lost half the word!
Blue_Angel
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (8 February 2010):
You don't need anyone to validate who you are! You should learn that you are unique just the way God made you. There is something is this life surely waiting JUST FOR YOU! Keep your eyes open to new things and don't worry on what you probably can do nothing about. Don't be too hard on yourself for it's possible that people distance themselves from you because of faults in themselves. Yet again perhaps you are too down on yourself. People also may tend to distance themselves from the negativity and in turn you.
Find a good hobby and meet new people. Never limit yourself only to the contacts you have in your present life. It seems they are not in sync with your feelings in the first place. Don't try so hard. Let natural friendships develope thru time. PLEASE REMEMBER TO BE GOOD TO YOURSELF IN CASE OTHERS LET YOU DOWN. YOUR VALIDATION AND SELF WORTH DOESN'T DEPEND ON WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU AS MUCH AS WHAT YOU THINK OF YOURSELF.
Some friendships are formed quickly and others on a slower pace. Set your own pace by doing things around others but allow them to see you as approachable and not pushy. If you are too dependent upon others sometimes it shows and makes them uneasy. It may cause them to it draw any friendly intentions.
If you are too worried over this and it doesn't seem to get rectified soon, you really should consider conselling. This type of fear of rejection and lonliness can cause some really serious problems both emotionally and mentally. Get yourself a pen and paper. Write down all of the nice things you do for others. Let yourself see the good in YOU! When you are hurt, write it down. Putting those negetive emotions on paper can make a very big difference in how you relate to your inner feelings.
Approach new friends slowly. A true friend should love you and care about you regardless of your faults. This doesn't mean they have to like everything you do but it's a give and take thing. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about who you are. Simply be yourself and do the best you can to always show respect, care and consideration to those around you. Walk in God's light and pray that HE TAKES ALL OF THE SHADOWS FROM YOU LIFE. PRAY FOR THOSE WHO REJECT YOU, GOD IS ALWAYS THERE AND HE WILL GIVE YOU PEACE.
GOD BLESS
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Hi Mal! :D haha Its perfectly ok to have "discussions" and "debates"! the world would be boring if we all thought the same thing!
I think I was maybe a bit harsh and I do understand that some people really do have that many friends or family.
But from my own personal experience, I have a number of friends and work collegues, who, shall we say, spend their life "collecting" people on facebook. I think this is a litle bit sad, especially as there is no communication between them at all.
One guy I work with... well, he likes to flirt with and collect young, teenage and 20's women, who seem to fall for his charms. (he is now 30, but doesnt act his age whatsoever). He has over 1000 of his hareem now. lol He may only have met them once, but they are still "friends". Its like notches on a bedpost in his case (literally, he goes through women like some go through knickers). This is what I object to. Its just fake. He doesnt know them, probably cant even remember their names, but adds them anyway, because it makes him feel like a stud, and all his mates think he is such a woman pleaser. Really he is a player and treats them badly.
I myself am on FB, and I have just over 100 friends. Half of them, who have added me, I never really liked them or got on with them in the first place, and I have never chatted to them since they "friended" me. But now I have added them, I dont know how to get rid of them without seeming rude... it is difficult.
I mostly use it to keep in touch with people who were friends that I dont get to see any more, but now live far away and dotted around the world! Makes the time difference a lot more manageable! But I personally do not add people just for the sake of it. Unless I really like someone, I just dont see the point. If we are not great friends, then surely its a bit fake to pretend?
I agree with mal tho, I think this need for hundreds of friends is much more of a teenage thing....
Just my take on it anyway!
Tiger x :D
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
lol.. yep, lots of DC aunts find facebook and other sites a way of keeping in contact. I will admit that I talk to some of them every day, and we are always considering actual ways that we can meet up. Depends on how social you are, Mal definitely is a people person, but not everyone is. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): two things here really, i would say number one, that you can have 200 friends on facebook and still be lonely. if you have 15 valued friends then in no way should fb or any other sight define how you feel about yourself.
2) i have to disagree with celtic on this one. and she knows that i like her and we are "friend" on dc...but i do fb and i have somewhere around 200 friends.of these i would say that 150 of them asked to add me and 100 of them i stay in contact with on a regular basis. i have different levels of friendships to be sure, i have 50 or so family members...we live out of state now and it is wonderful to keep in contact with them. then i have old friends and schoolmates as well as a couple or three teachers. i have some that ive met here and i chat with them a lot thru email or fb. as a matter of fact i chatted with miamine last night. i have a group of about 5 that i chat with personally at least once a week. and i have one dear friend who lives an ocean away that i chat with throughout the day every day. granted i am a people person. but in no way do i think that im seeking popularity and validation. by the same measuring stick if you dont have a fb account or if you have 5 friends on fb...it doenst mean you are anti-social or dont have friends...or are unable to maintain friendships. i think it is a matter of personality really. i think that celtic has probably hit the nail on the head for many people maybe especially teens and young adult...but all people are different. just my take on it...doesnt mean anyone else is wrong, its just how i see it. mal
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 February 2010):
I'm not even on facebook. I have about five very close friends and that's it. You could have 1000 friends on facebook, and it would prove nothing. Friendships in the real world are what count.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): Ok then, firstly I really only use facebook to speak to my relatives from loads of other countries. It cost allot to call Ireland, Canada, USA, England, France and several others from Australia.
So although my friends list says about 50 friends, it’s really only about 4 friends and the rest are relatives (my mums on there too lol). So if you’re a leper, then what am I?
The answer is happy, I have good friends and also plenty of fun people that I can mail when I’m bored.
Quantity of friends seems great but what really is the point? Quality is the key, real friendships in which you can tell that person your deepest emotions.
Ironically one of my closest friends is from this site, Katyayni who I have had some really meaningful chats with.
Ultimately your worth as a person, is always going to be down to you. Learn to like yourself and accept all those little flaws that we all have and just be a friendly, happy person and people will want to be around you. Also don’t fall in to the common trap of being exclusive, include everyone as you never know who will be a great friend and who’s just on for a good time until you give them a chance
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female
reader, feroshers  +, writes (8 February 2010):
If you have close friends in real life, then you haven't failed socially in any way. I've hundreds of friends on facebook, but like Tiger said, most of them are friends of friends, or people I've met through various things I'm involved in. They're not proper friends, just acquaintances. Like yourself, I joined to keep in touch with friends who live far away now. If it's fulfilling that function, then it's doing what you signed up for?It seems though that you have a feeling that you might come off as cold, or give a first impression of being unlikeable? Is that the issue? That's something that is easily addressed once you're aware of it.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
Hmmm.. a different view of facebook and social working sites....
My family and friends are on there, I've managed to contact tons of school friends from when I was small. I've also got some Dear Cupid aunts and uncles that I talk too.
On the whole a lot of "friends" I make are people who like the same games as me. It's impossible to play these games unless you make friends and be social. And it's during these games that we socialise and start talking and sharing interests.
Now if you don't play games, then there's no reason to collect friends at all. In real life people only have about one or two close friends, and the rest are acquaintances. It's not good to compare yourself with others, because you have no idea of their intentions and you don't know why they do things different from you. Concentrate on your own life, and be happy with the way you are and stop watching other people. Now that really is rubbish and a waste of time. I live my life, and leave others to live theirs, comparisons re useless and stop you from concentrating on your self and moving on.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (8 February 2010):
You are doing just fine as you are.
Social networking sites are really just a load of rubbish. They are not meaningful, and for the most part, I expect that people who have 200, 300, 400 "friends" have never even sent those people an email! They may even have only met them in passing, or possibly never met them (internet friends). Its all about image, and what other people think of you. Its all about being "popular" and needing to feel liked and wanted. These people "need" to have hundreds of friends because it makes them feel like they are better than other people. Yes it is nice to stay in touch with real friends, but do you really want hangers on, who have only added you to up their popularity numbers? It really is only a massive popularity competition, but one that can be manipulated.
These are not real friendships... they are for people who think they need to have hundreds of friends to validate their position in society.
You say you have 15 good friends, and close friends in real life... this is perfect! As you get older, no one ever really has masses of very very close friends. It just isnt possible to have emotionally bonding relationships with huge groups of people. There may be many "aquaintances" but how many could you, or would you want to be able to rely on in a crisis? It is the people who you can talk to for hours, and tell your deepest secrets and fears who you want close to you. Not someone who doesnt even say "hi" in passing!
Stick with your good friends. These are the people who you really should be concerned about keeping in your life!
Good luck
Tiger x
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female
reader, Sydnee +, writes (8 February 2010):
Dear Anonyou will probably find that because you dont use a picture of yourself 'randomers' and even casual acquaintances wont add you because they add people based on appearance if they cant see its definitely you they wont add just in case, if you only intended to use facebook for what you ARE using facebook for what is the problem? you tend to find that those who have hundreds of friends go around adding random people purely to look more popular than they are anywaybe happy with you and dont dwell on it if you really want them to add you use full details and pictures Hope this helpsGood LuckSydnee x
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