A
female
age
51-59,
*atherine2081
writes:Advice please. My ex and I split up due to us growing apart and him cheating. We had two lovely children together. He was bitter I called it quits and at times made life difficult for the kids as a result and said some terrible things to me. We both went on to marry other people but it didn't work out. Mine because the second husband was abusive. His wife was an alcoholic. He approached me to begin a relationship again two years ago but I backed away after three months as he was moody and controlling. After everything I couldn't take it. I've dated two other people for very short periods since but I am not keen on letting people into my kids lives and end up finishing it. I then decided to be on my own I was only a few weeks into it when my ex came back I insisted we were friends nothing else. We started going out with the kids. He then started getting moody when things weren't progressing. I didn't want to rush anything I feel safe happy on my own and whilst I think he has many good qualities and can be kind and a better family man his moodiness if he doesn't get his own way and inability to communicate without going off in a mood is the same issue that caused all our issues when together. I have a very high pressure job and he doesn't understand I have to work late on my computer as I lose time in the day looking after the kids and gets grumpy if I say I'm tired saying he takes it personally and drives off in a mood. I am worried he drinks and can be physical with our eleven year old when he tells him off as he has anxiety and can be slow. I asked him not to but he said tough. If I'm not with him he makes life hell. I told him we need counselling to work through issues before I would consider dating him do you think that's best? I can't go into it again if I'm worried about my kids more that anything the effect on them if I'm with this moody man who gets his own way and the effect if I'm not will he be grumpy with the kids? Make my life a misery?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): No counselling is not your answer for this man in my opinion. You are your own counsellor and KNOW that he is bad news and would change your life for the worse and effect your children. I would not even be friends with someone like this, they are energy suckers and do nothing but emotionally drain you. You admit your work would suffer so no doubt the finance would drain, what really ha this man got to offer you in terms of relationship and love?
Another area I don't believe in is going backwards, if a relationship did'nt work before because of MOODS this won't change. Something practical that could change is a different reason for going back into a relationship.
Your life your children your work your choice!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 July 2014):
 I think you already know that getting back together is the dumbest thing YOU can do, for you and YOUR son. It will NEVER be a healthy relationship. He will not change.
I agree with WiseOwlE - you need to put your son first. And you are not doing that now.
I understand that you want things to work out because he CAN be a good man some of the time, unfortunately it will NEVER weigh out the "bad" he do & say.
Counseling is not a fix. Just like rehab isn't a cure. Counseling can give a person tools to deal with situations and people in a different and healthy manner, but that doesn't mean they WILL use these tools or that therapy works for them.
My husband was a smoker from he was 13 years old. He tried all kind of thing to quit for the kids sake, he also smoked outside on the patio to avoid secondhand smoking on the kids and myself. None of the methods he tried to quit worked. I can tell you why.... because he didn't really WANT to quit. He enjoyed his cigarettes. Then... he had a heart attack and quit overnight. And I can tell you why again, because HE wanted to.
Your ex doesn't WANT to change. The counseling is your idea and he "might" play along to placate you but it won't last.
What I think you need to accept is... he is who he is and he won't change.
The idea that he will change FOR you, or IF he loves you is nonsensical. Because IF that was possible, don't you think he would have done that a long time ago?
Whatever broke you up back in the day, was never resolved. And the issues are still VERY MUCH going on, so why do you think it will change? Because you WANT it to?
Sorry, I think the best thing for you is to NEVER date him again.
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (23 July 2014):
I go with WiseOwl on this; I've worked in Child Protection and seen this happen again and again to the distress of the children. He's an ex for a good reason, and seems to be (if anything) worse than when you split the first time. Do not get back together with him, and I would strongly advise you to document any future occasion when he gets physically abusive with your child. You need to ensure that your children are safe above everything else. Tell social services and get legal advice on how you can protect the children and yourself.
It sounds as though your husband is a spoiled bully, and is being abusive to you when he isn't getting his own way. Do not get back together with him, as it really sounds as though he is bad news.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): You might want to consider legally limiting your ex's visitation privileges with your son; if you see your son negatively responding to his intimidation. Keep an eye on him when your ex is around.
I don't think he realizes he can't use aggression to help your son. I don't fault him completely. Fathers often feel signs of meekness/weakness in their sons is due to too much coddling from their mothers. In his mind he isn't bullying. BUT HE IS!!! There's a fine-line from ABUSE!!!
You shouldn't have tried dating him after you both had two failed marriages. What were you thinking?
Seriously?!!
He can seek counseling alright; but just for himself. He's a bully as a father.
You're by no means naive, and we know every facet of our partner's character and behavior after living years with them. The threat of divorce should have been motivation enough to change him; if he was at all capable of doing so. His second-wife may have been an alcoholic, but it is possible he drove her to drink!
You're confusing the children, and subjecting them to his foul moods and mistreatment while dating him. You have to follow your better judgement on these things. You know the odds against successful reconciliations after divorce. The minute you were aware he was bullying your son, that should have been it. A total deal-breaker.
I'm not questioning, nor criticizing you as a mother. I suspect you have a habit of forgiving that asshole again and again; and you have yet to break that habit.
Counseling will not re-invent him. He has to change of his own accord, and for his own self-improvement. He has to change for the sake of being a better father, and example for his children. Not for you. All you can ask of him; is that he be respectful and civil with you. Be a loving father, and be kind to his son.
I'll have to be frank with you. You are letting your maturing age dictate to you. Maturity tends to make people fall back on their old relationships when dating is slow (or non-existent); or we feel our options are limited. Yes, you get sentimental and miss your family just being together. In spite of it all.
You don't have to apologize for that. He was once your husband, and he is the father of your children. Things have drastically changed. Unfortunately, not for the better.
You know your ex well enough to know, that if he wouldn't change to keep his family intact; exactly what kind of transformation were you expecting in him, as an older version of himself?
You can seek counseling for yourself in order to find the strength to take steps on how to deal with taking a more assertive position in dealing with him. He still knows how to manipulate you, and you've given him too many chances. Only to watch him revert to his old ways. Your son has suffered under this lapse in your judgement. Protect him, if nothing else.
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