A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been trying online dating for a little while with the goal of eventually finding a committed relationship. I haven’t actually met anyone in person (yet) but I have chatted with a fair number of people. Most of those conversations fissled out but others have gone pretty well. The problem now is that I have more than one conversation (as in 3~4) that are simultaneously going pretty well. I don’t want to lead anyone on but I also don’t want to burn bridges with these precious few people who I’ve somehow managed to make some connection with. I’m pretty rusty at dating and I’m not very confident in my ability to go from chatting online to being in a relationship.Is collateral damage an acceptable side effect of online dating? Should I pick my favourite (I do have a favourite) and break it off with the others, risking being left with zero optimistic conversations? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2018): If I were in your shoes I would arrange to see each over a coffee just for a short time just to see if there is a spark or not. Don't forget they are there like you and they would also want to meet in person initially for a short time just to assess if there is a spark or not. So I would say keep your options open and meet all four over a coffee and then decide which one. Keep in mind that they have the option of not wanting to go further either.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 December 2018):
 The short answer is - eventually, you will have to choose one.
The key to not burning bridges is to be honest. Eventually, you're going to want to take a few of these people offline for a face-to-face real-world date. Even then, for FIRST dates, having a few people you're dating at the same time is okay.
The cutoff is when you go on a SECOND date with someone, which could lead to a THIRD date. Once you decide to find out where in real life one of these relationships can go, that's the time to tell the others online that you've found someone and are going to "see where things go" with them. You tell the others you're talking to this truth, and that serves the big purpose that you're not ghosting them, and that it's not THEM that you're seeing how things go with someone else.
You'll get into trouble if you take ALL 4 of them on second and third dates and beyond. That's where you can get into the "lead people on" territory. That can happen if you're dating one of them ongoing yet continuing online conversations with the others. That's also a no-go.
If you tell them that you're seeing how things go with one of the others, you leave it in their corner whether or not they want to stay warm to you, which is the honorable thing to do. That way, if things do not go well with the one you've chosen, they may be inclined to pick communication back up with you.
You say you're rusty at dating? You've had enough time with these ladies to have a basic idea of what they like or dislike. Think of a date that shows you are listening to their personality (i.e. their favorite band in concert or a movie they say they want to see or an art museum if they're into that), and then ASK THEM OUT!
If you it off with her, see where it goes! If not, then see how it goes with #2, and so on. Don't let the other 3 know UNTIL you decide to go on a SECOND date. Then be honest. Believe it or not, they are most likely doing the same thing with you too. But they're waiting for you to take things beyond the online message thing, which is why most of your online stuff is fizzling out!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2018): Never forget, no matter how convenient social media and technology makes communication by extending our reach throughout the world; you're still dealing with other human beings.
You are not committed to any of these women; nor are they in any way obligated to try and impress you, in order to gain your favor.
By no means are you improving your chances of immediately finding a girlfriend. Bear in-mind, their options are open; it's their prerogative to reject you, if you fail to meet THEIR criteria. You're being a bit self-centered.
Allow me to off you some tough-love and fatherly advice. Love is only developed by making a natural connection; with the hope that connection will develop into romance between two people. It's not based on the number of women you can manage to group into your personal harem.
You can't procure yourself an instant and guaranteed relationship by grouping your prospects together. I'm not sure whether this notion comes from the naivete of your youth, or through shear arrogance?
You imply the choice of a good match is exclusively yours. They're evaluating you as well, my friend! You're playing them all against each other! Wasting their time, when they could be talking to someone sincere and focused on them individually. Unaware they are being compared to others; while you choose a favorite among involuntary-competitors!
Seriously, dude?!!
You're behaving like a kid in a candy shop. Men have to learn not to objectify women; and remember all people have feelings. That's precisely what you're doing, when you possess their undivided-attention for any extended-period; while you have your own private beauty contest. You're selfishly deceiving two of those women into believing you have an actual interest in them alone. They're giving-up opportunities; while you play them along.
You'll learn. What goes around, comes around!
Try not to delude yourself into thinking that because you found someone you believe you click with, that a relationship is a sure thing. You haven't met, and all your judgement and opinion of this person is based on nothing but the impression made through a few chats and pics. You haven't interacted on a human level using your natural senses and discernment. Even then, you have to allow some time for getting to know the real person; beyond your impression or perceived-notion of who they are.
Right-now, you're betting on the idea of her. Not fact!
There is a popular belief that talking to a collective group of prospects at the same time will speed-up your chances of finding a match. That's a myth. It's a careful and deliberate selective-process. It requires you to invest your time, emotions, logic, and attention. Having the patience and solid character to go one-on-one. To make your romantic-interest feel special and valued as a human being; if nothing more than that.
You shouldn't use the blueprint designed by TV producers. The narcissistic bachelor on one of those god-awful reality shows! Reality show?!! If ever a there was a true example of an oxymoron, that's it! These media-created atrocities negatively-influences our culture far too much! No wonder so many women come to DC; so profoundly cynical, and outraged with men!!!
You can only get to know one person at a time; although you might spread yourself thin trying to entertain and impress 3-4 women all at once. You have to appeal to 3-4 different personalities; and make an impression on each and every one of them. You are more likely to be phony and confused. Getting them mixed-up, and attributing the wrong character-traits to the wrong lady. Calling them by the wrong name when you finally meet. Thinking you can be everything for each of them. Your ego will make a player out of you!
My advice. Choose one lady at a time. If one doesn't workout, move on to another. You don't gather women in a herd like you're a buck among a herd doe; or a rooster in a chicken coup! You're a human being, and if you want to get to know a woman the right way; treat them like human beings. Not like you're auditioning actors at a cattle call!
Be considerate.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (23 December 2018):
 In my day (I am a lot older than you), we would pick one person and see if there was a relationship there. If not, we would finish whatever there was and move on to the next, one at a time.
Young people these days seem to have a different outlook. I keep hearing that the "accepted" way these days is to have more than one "casual" relationship on the go, until you and one other person decide to be "exclusive". As long as you are honest and admit you are talking to others, apparently that is ok these days. (Not saying I agree or disagree with it, just that this appears to be what is happening a lot.)
That does not, however, mean EVERYONE will see it that way. Some individuals, male and female, do not feel comfortable with this way of dating, and that is ALSO ok.
As you have a "favourite", why not concentrate on developing that friendship and see where it leads? Perhaps speak on the phone a bit as a "half way step" before actually meeting. Once you have met a couple of times, you should be able to tell whether there is anything there on which to build a relationship and future. If not, then be honest, draw a line under it and move on. If it seems promising, then perhaps that is the time to kindly and politely drop contact with the others with whom you are chatting.
Good luck. Hope things work out for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 December 2018):
 Maybe accept that QUANTITY over QUALITY will get you no where fast after all.
I'd say talk to ONE person at a time that you feel there could be a connection with. Give it a few week and then meet up in person IF you think the person is someone you could click with.
You don't really ever GO from online chatting directly to a relationship. Or rather I don't think you should.
If you have talked a few weeks and get on like a house on fire, then meet up and see how it goes in person. If there chemistry, shared and mutual interests, values, goals, etc. (something to build a relationship on basically) then go on dates, spend time together, wait with the sex until you are both sure you WANT a relationship with each other.
It means YOU gave to be more mindful in your selection if females/potential partners, but it might also prevent you from having this "revolving door maybe the grass is greener elsewhere I don't want to "miss" out" attitude towards dating.
...............................
|
