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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: What's so good about casual sex? How does it differ from sex in relationships? And why would people risk a long term relationship for casual sex? Is a stranger or someone who doesn't care that much better in bed? How can a woman in a long term relationship ever compete?? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): There is no comparing what's done for pleasure and what's done to create something meaningful. That's comparing apples to oranges.
I'm going to presume your man is under suspicion; or has cheated on you. Maybe you've had more than one occurrence of relationships failed due to a betrayal of your trust.
Causal-sex dates back to the dawn of man. It requires nothing to put two horny people together, and let nature take its course. So what? Lower-animals randomly do it mindlessly; so it only proves we have a primal-nature, and give-in to primitive instincts. Big-deal! There's no here nor there to the concept. It's just human-nature where it is no different from other animals. We add something more important to our existence, due to the fact we can think with constructive-thought, have a complex self-awareness, and a means of intelligent verbal-communication. We have to interact with each other in complex and demanding ways; that go far beyond two bodies engaging in sex-play. Procreation is the main-objective; but we were given more responsibility to each other than that. Sex is an expression of love, or it's simply for pleasure. Misuse and abuse of it gives DC plenty of reason for our existence. To comfort you, and re-instill some faith in hope and humanity.
There is a challenge to humanity that the lower-species never have to face. That's creating meaningful-relationships that require effort beyond procreation. Yes, lower species of animals can form life-long bonds; but it's simple, and requires no thought, no intellectual-challenge, and they fulfill that which nature requires of them. That being, perpetuation of their species. That's about it. God knows what He's doing. He created a life-manual to teach us what it takes to build and maintain healthy-relationships with Him, and each-other. It works for those of us who use it; and leaves the rest to their own methods and devices. Don't fault the manual, fault humanity for our weaknesses. It takes work and perseverance to achieve and maintain things worthwhile. Love doesn't require us to put-up with just anything. Gambling with the love and trust of other people is a moral-crime. If you become a victim to such people, you have the power of choice. Even God gives us a choice to love, trust, and believe...or don't. Keep the person, or let them go. Forming stereotypes and angry-notions is left for the small-minded folk and skeptics. Ditch the liars and deceivers, and move on. Nobody ever said that's easy, but sometimes it's necessary. It's the power of choice!
Your hypothetical-question whether a woman in a long-term relationship can compete? The simplest answer is "no." Free-sex is like free-money, you don't have to work for it; and you don't have to deserve it. That doesn't stop anybody from wanting it, or jumping on every and any opportunity to get it! Greed and sin is built-in to our nature; and that's where we challenge ourselves morally, conscientiously, and responsively. It's why vows are taken to establish a meaningful-contract between people who want to be exclusive; as explicitly and lawfully witnessed in the eyes of God, and by mankind. You don't and can't compare singleness to being committed; because you are given a period of freedom of experimentation, development, establishing moral principles, and creating an upstanding character. As opposed to human-beings living like a furrow animal in a back-alley. If you chose them for mates, they behave within their nature. If the heart pulls itself towards what's bad for you; you were given a mind to figure-out how to free yourself, and make a better choice. If you let the heart always have its way, and go brainless; that's just letting impulse override your common-sense. Lower-animals can getaway with that, humans can't!
People step outside the boundaries of committed-relationships; because we often fail the test of commitment and faithfulness. We form commitments for a reason and with good-intentions; but it doesn't mean we don't weaken to temptation, or cheat. Sometimes we slip, and sometimes we just don't value trust to the degree that it is a deterrent to betrayal of that trust. It can happen to a man, or a woman; and being so sure it can never happen to you is arrogant, delusional, and tempting fate.
You do the best you can to maintain and reinforce your trust within your commitment. Be prepared for breaches of trust, and know what you should do about it; and do your best to deal with it to your own benefit. You have a right to be selfish, when you are taking back what was stolen from you.
Forgiveness and continence of your relationship after either party cheats; should depend on the circumstances under-which the infidelity occurred. It should be based on the longstanding consistency of a history of reliability and trustworthiness. It takes patience once given, and it should be honored by the receiver. If forgiveness is seen as a weakness; then it should be realized as misplaced. You shouldn't take it back; instead, you should rid yourself of the betrayer. They are untrustworthy. See it for what it is. You can use children or other excuses as a reason to put-up with it; but that's your choice. Don't complain, live with it.
Forgiveness is tricky. In most cases it's not real, true, or complete. It does require time, and you must listen to reason. You should mean it, or don't offer it at all!!! Too often people partially-forgive, or offer an illusion of forgiveness; while holding-on to (clinging to) someone who really isn't worth it. Jealousy and suspicion has actually replaced their trust, and thus a long cycle of punishment, insecurity, and trust-issues are thrust upon their partners from that time forward. Giving the guilty and convicted-individual no real reason to even attempt to redeem themselves. If always held guilty, you may as well repeat the crime!
False-pretense of forgiveness; which only means a refusal to relinquish your ownership, is how too many of us maintain our relationships. Then we become embittered, skeptical, and cynical. If you've been burnt twice, even thrice, don't wonder why you'll suffer from trust-issues. You were too dumb to let them go; because you thought guilt-tripping them would change them. You must always forgive, not everyone deserves to remain in your life after betrayal of your trust. Forgiveness is part of freeing yourself; so you won't become embittered, and ask such a cynical question as you have. Letting-go or cutting cheaters loose is hard; but necessary, if you want to stay healthy. You must replace them what you need and deserve. If it happens to you again and again, the question then becomes...what attracts you to the type? Oh, you don't get to say that's because all men are like that! That's too easy, and it absolves you of taking any responsibility of your judgement and choices!
I've made terrible mistakes, and had to learn hard-lessons from them. That's what made me stronger and gave me wisdom to pass on, and to help others. I didn't just become angry and cynical. I know my own faults and weaknesses; and can set no higher standard than I can achieve.
Don't live life in competition with what you cannot change or control. Make choices that best suit your needs and desires; and develop the strength and discernment required to deal with relationships, and the complex issues that come with them. We are all human, but above all other animals; God gave us a brain that can make decisions, learn from mistakes, and correct them.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (17 February 2020):
 Because I'm demisexual, I don't do casual sex so a great deal of your question I can't answer. But you asked about competing.
Ellen Kreidman wrote that women continuously compare. They compare the gifts, time, thought, smiles, looks that they recieve from a man with those that they believe he gives to any other woman. (including his mother and daughters) Now that book is pretty old, and I would say that this is true for many women, and some men. It's not really a universal rule, but I do come across it a lot when we talk about competing.
So to make a few assumptions here you are talking about competition between two women to be the prefered sexual partner of one man. One woman has a long term relationship (with certain legal protections) and the other has Casual no strings attached freedom.
Well lets lay out a table of values.
The married woman has a legal contract and choosing a new woman will cost the man certain financial and social penalties. The married woman also has the affections of his children, which the free woman will not likely attain. The married woman has security (commitment) which is not as big of an emotional need for men as women , generally, but is still important.
The free casual woman has the prostitutes advantage, best expressed by the old saying "men don't pay prostitutes for sex, they pay them to leave". So you see this strength is grounded in a weakness to be a strength she has to agree not to hold him. The free woman has the advantage of limerence, or newness. This is also a temporary advantage. As in order to win the coveted spot of prefered partner the free woman has to become an old partner. The free woman has the advantage of the forbidden. This is also a temporary advantage. It is only an advantage as long as the married woman stays married to the man.
Now when you look over this table of values you can easily see that the free woman will eventually lose. She can never hope to win a long term prize. In fact this is the reason she has so much experience. She does this over and over and over.
But! Your eventual victory is a hollow victory, Because in the end you will not get the man you started with. You end up with a compromised man, who because of his lack of integrity can never give you the security you crave.
So to end this very long answer, some advice: First if you are going to follow your inclination to compete go into it with your eyes open. Know what your strengths are. Know what her weaknesses are. And Know what your goal is. Your goal is not to get back what you had. That is gone, destroyed. Your goal is a second chance, or to destroy the interloper. Both good goals in my book, but know what it is you are playing for.
Two side notes: Relationships don't last forever. Even very long ones change over time. This happens to everyone, you are not alone.
And second, No relationship exists in a vacuum. There is always another woman, and another man. A temptation, just around the corner. it is the strength of the bond, not the strength of the woman or man that prevents the straying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): The only advice I can come up with is to hold off on anything sexual until you're in an established relationship. This means you meet a person for coffee or a walk in a museum or metropark several times where you can just TALK and get to know one another. Make those dates short (1-2 hours) so you don't talk about everything all at once. Go to a place of worship with them, a movie theater or play, see how they do in that environment. Go slow. Wait till you get to know them before establishing a relationship and THEN go somewhere alone. If you see that "somewhere alone" time is increasing while the dates are decreasing, point it out! Speak up! Many men like to decrease or stop the dates once sex happens. Don't let them! Use protection, don't let him have sex with you without it! He doesn't need it every week. You should be concentrating on getting to know each other. If he's not up for all that, block him from your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 February 2020):
 Life isn't a competition, really.
Some people want casual sexual hook up because they are emotionally stunted, have past emotional trauma, want sex but don't want to INVEST in another person, are selfish, lazy, just horny, feel they are better off on their own but don't want to be "lonely", etc. etc. I think there are as many reasons WHY people do casual sex as there are people doing casual sex.
It's not that deep, OP.
They want a warm body every now and again.
I don't think ALL casual sex is going to be GREAT. But I think for some they just don't CARE enough about the person to feel modest or like they have to consider anything past the act of sex. Some might feel "less judged" - who knows? But the sex itself? I don't think people go out of their way to "blow the mind" of someone they might never see again.
How does it differ? I don't know. I've been had casual sex. Many of my friends (male and female) did and it was pretty well discussed.
As to why people would risk a long term relationship for casual sex? Again, plenty of guesses and excuses would come up as to WHY someone would cheat.
And lastly... you ask how a woman in a relationship can compete... You can't. Because it isn't a competition. You aren't "playing" by the same rules as someone who will cheat or help someone cheat. So my advice there? Don't BE with someone who has cheated or wants to try something on the side. Be with someone who has integrity, respect and love for you and the relationship you have together. Who will COME to you if it seems to get a little stale or boring, someone who WANTS to invest in you and the relationship and MAKE an effort to make it work.
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