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Is a baby ultimatum a bad idea?

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 18 March 2015)
A female Ireland age 36-40, *seult writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I am 30 and he is 41. I love him and want us to be together for the rest of our lives. I have mentioned marriage before to which he has said he doesn't believe in. Sure I'm disappointed, but he assures me he it doesn't mean he loves me any less. I understand that marriage is not for everyone but it does slightly worry me how committed he is to me, because what I do desperately want are kids. I come from a big family and always assumed I would have children of my own. I have mentioned children to my partner a couple of times and he has said 'yes someday'.

I'd be daft if I didnt acknowledge that time is pushing on with my own body, so I feel I need to get a straight yes or no answer, not a someday answer. After 6 years I feel he should know the answer to this. However I am worried with an ultimatum it will instantly push him away and I don't want him to feel like he is just a sperm provider. I want children and a life with HIM!! I know an ultimatum is a very selfish thing to do. My worry is in my heart that he doesn't want children and doesn't want to commit. I was 24 when we first met (he was 35). I giggled at the time about his stories of crazy baby mad women in their mid 30s. Children were such a far off concept at the time. Now those conversations are alarm bells that he doesnt want children. I know I am still relatively young but my worry is that this situation will continue for years and when I finally realise it I will be like the women he mocked.

How would you react to your partner giving you an ultimatum over children? Would you instantly be negative towards it?

View related questions: sperm, want children

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015):

I would sit down and talk to him. Say that you love him and talk about the life goals you want to achieve (children, marriage etc). If he doesn't want those same goals, you will have to make the decision to leave or not.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (16 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntMy take on this...

I have two sons I had them in my 20s. I would not trade them for anything in the world.

My current husband does not want children and never did. When I met him at 37 he said to me

I am NEVER getting married. Marriage is stupid and not needed. I agreed having been married and not needing to be married.

He asked ME to propose to him. I did. We got engaged. We planned a lovely wedding event in Las Vegas... 3 days before we are to leave to get married I suggest to him that we NOT GET MARRIED but still stay together.. NO NEED to get married... right? NO babies... nothing would change.

He insisted we MARRY. Marriage was no longer stupid or NOT needed!

WHAT made him change his mind?

he fell in love and never wanted to RISK losing me.

He wanted me to know he was totally 100% committed to me for life.

I can tell you that he is my 4th husband and this man loves me MORE THAN the OTHER THREE combined loved me... love is funny that way

DO NOT have a child with a man that won't marry you.

And as far as ultimatums go... NEVER issue one that you cannot and will not follow through on.. if you do that you will never have any power with this man.

So if you say "I need to be married and pregnant within two years" and nothing happens then in two years you need to leave... IF you want a year to plan a wedding and he does not propose within a year YOU LEAVE...

if you say I need this and then do nothing he knows you will do what he wants and he eventually will get his way

I strongly urge you to start getting ready to get out of this relationship as you will not be finding what you want with him if at 41 he still is putting it off.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think what you are really looking for is clarification. After 6 years he should KNOW if he wants kids with you or not. And so should you.

Not if he says, NO I don't want kids at all, what then? Are you willing to walk?

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A female reader, mrspiggy United Kingdom +, writes (15 March 2015):

mrspiggy agony auntWhat you are suggesting is NOT an ultimatum. You just want him to clarify when 'someday' is. Which is absolutely your right. Sit him down and have a serious conversation with him. Explain to him that while his aversion to marriage is not a deal breaker, not having children is.

If he does not want children that's okay. But you do and you need to find someone in the same mindset as you.

To keep saying 'someday' at his age may mean never.

Do what is best for you before you have too many regrets.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015):

I'm going to disagree with the others and say you absolutely must deal with this.

'I'd be daft if I didnt acknowledge that time is pushing on with my own body, so I feel I need to get a straight yes or no answer, not a someday answer.'

What you've described here is not an ultimatum. At all.

What you want is clarification of whether does really want a baby and when.

Those are smart questions to ask. It is your life as much as his at stake so you HAVE to KNOW from where he stands so that you can make choices about your own life.

One consequence of him saying I never want children is that you might leave him. No one is denying that.

But the distinction to make is that your leaving him won't be a result of you asking for clarification. It will be a result of inherently incompatible dreams. Your dreams will be incompatible whether you ask the tough questions or not.

The only difference is you find out sooner rather than later in one scenario, or you find out at the age of 37 that he definitely doesn't want children.

In the latter case,you then either live with it and stay with him with regret and resentment and envy for other women. Or you leave him after 14 years to HOPEFULLY find another man who will HOPEFULLY want to have children and HOPEFULLY both your bodies are up to the task. Bearing in mind that some couples struggle to concieve and it takes them a good couple of years before doctors consider IVF.

You would be burying your head in the sand if you don't ask, and you'll kick yourself later for it. Remember, asking doesn't CAUSE the problem. Asking merely makes you AWARE of the problem, if there is one.

With some luck he's changed his mind.

But based on what you've said, I doubt it.

Think about what you are willing to compromise and what you're not willing to compromise. What you're willing to sacrifice to chase your dreams or what dreams you're willing to forgo. When you know these answers, only then can you have a meaningful discussion with him.

Do remember that he has to want to be a father. So don't let him do it only for you. That will be a poisoned pill.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (15 March 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt I sort of agree with Janniepeg.

When a person say they do not believe in marriage,... what they actually mean is that they do not believe in forever, or they do not be in forever with you.

They believe that feelings change, attraction dies, and love may end any time,for whatever odd reason.

Which, of course, is factually hard to debate. Everything is impermanent. I mean, there are parents and children falling out for good !, siblings severing all ties....imagine if a married couple can't go bust at some unforeseen time in future.

Only, that's not the way a person in love reasons. Love is ALSO a leap of faith, a confident bet on the future- hopefully based on actual compatibility , not on a pipe dream, not a CRAZY bet... and yet. How can anybody be 100% sure this is " the one " , that this story is going to last, that there is not someone else " better " for us somewhere ?... We can't. We just decide we love strongly enough that that we will run the risk anyway.

A person who does not feel like committing forever is saying : I love you , as long as things will stay the same, - as long as I will keep getting out of this the same level of ( fill the blank: sexual gratification, financial security, emotional support, intellectual entertainment... it may be anything ).

It may be love, but it's not unconditional love (... If unconditional love does exist, can actually exist... that would be all another debate ).

Anyway , this was kind of a digression. So : is giving a baby ultimatum a bad idea ?

Yes. Very bad. It may trigger a negative reaction on principle, nobody likes to be blackmailed into doing something by force which they perhaps haven't even excluded yet. But tell me ( or, most people I guess ) : either you do X, or else, my immediate,knee jerk reaction will be an :or else, then.

In your case, I am afraid the odds are against you.He may change his mind on his own, more probably he may not. I mean, come on, he had six years to think about the issue and he has not come up with a clearer idea yet ?. Also, he was 35 when you met, so now he is 41, and he still says " some day " ?...Some day when ??, when he has a bad case of ED ? Does he want to have kids when he's 80,like Charlie Chaplin ?...Charlie Chapline was an oddball, and he had a huge patrimony to leave to his orphans....

We can't really change other people's minds / attitudes, just OURS. It's up to us to decide our priorities, and if we could live happily also in lack of those.

I think you should decide ..starting from the pessimistic ( but quite possible ) assumption that no, he won't marry and won't have kids with you- how that would sound ? Not ideal, but acceptable ?... A sacrifice, but he is worth it ?..

Or , is it something that would prevent you from being REALLY happy and filfilled ? Would you resent him ( and yourself ) for having made you give up your fondest dream of having a husband and a family ?...

If this is the case, you need to be brave and realize that " love ", romantic love, is NOT enough. It's never enough, alas. We also NEED to have compatible goals, wishes, mindsets, plans.Without which, even if the r/ship should last ( which probably won't )- it will be something sort of stunted and crippled.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (15 March 2015):

janniepeg agony auntI do think if a man says he doesn't believe in marriage it means he loves you less than a man who does but that's just me. He may mean his feelings towards you now is not less than when you first met. What he's saying is that love does not last forever, so let's not bring children into this. He will react to your ultimatum by saying he's not the guy for you. Based on what you said about he, he probably is not. For me to feel secure, I need a man to have faith that it's forever. A man does not commit according to timeline, or because a woman is slowly going to lose her eggs. It has to do with his attitude that's shaped by his upbringing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015):

"I have mentioned marriage before to which he has said he doesn't believe in. Sure I'm disappointed, but he assures me he it doesn't mean he loves me any less."

Yes, it does. If he isn't willing to make a spiritual and legal lifetime commitment so he can retain the option to walk away at any moment with no further obligation and no further responsibility to you, especially knowing your feelings, then he doesn't really love you.

"How would you react to your partner giving you an ultimatum over children? Would you instantly be negative towards it?"

I would have to seriously reassess my relationship with a woman who would use a baby as a bargaining chip. Every child deserves to be loved, wanted and planned by BOTH parents. That said, why would you want to make a lifetime commitment of having a child with someone who is unwilling to make a lifetime commitment to YOU?

It would appear the two of you are fundamentally incompatible but he's stringing you along by telling you what you want to hear while being careful not to make promises to which he can be held.

If you truly want marriage and children, then you need to meet a guy who wants what you want. The probability he's going to change his mind about having kids is very slim. That you are even considering using baby blackmail suggests it's time to cut your losses and exit this relationship.

Besides, if you keep badgering him about kids he will likely start to think it's time to trade you in for a younger model with whom he can share stories about his most recent crazy baby mad girlfriend (you).

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