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Inappropriate touching between step mother and step son!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 December 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 27 January 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm a 45 year old step-mother of a 19 year old male, and I've recently made a horrible mistake. For the past few weeks I've been flirting and teasing my step-son. My husband has ignored me for the several months now, and I just wanted some attention, especially from a young man. I thought it was just harmless fun, but it finally went too far. The other night we were both watching a movie while keeping warm under a blanket. One thing lead to another, and there was some fondling and highly inappropriate touching. I feel extremely guilty!! My step son and I haven't spoken of the matter, and I don't know how to act or what to say. I'm also wondering if I should tell my husband or just keep quiet. Please help!

View related questions: flirt, teasing

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010):

The kid's 19, he's an adult. If you and his dad aren't dating, what's the issue? You're both old enough to make your own decisions, you're not a child molester though. I wouldn't have a relationship with my stepmom, just because it would be pretty odd, just like I wouldn't date my brother's ex-wife.

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A male reader, wamalik1 Pakistan +, writes (22 January 2010):

Hello.This is not big problem . I will try to help u.

Just try to involve Ur son in other work slowly, That he dont feel that u r try to changing him and also say to start meditation daily bex it stop negative thought powerfully . you also start meditation . it also help you to solve this problem .and you and son mind will slowly come in piece which u never enjoy in your life .you will feel too relax . .

God Will Also Help u

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A female reader, laura_can Canada +, writes (4 July 2009):

I don't know if my experience fits here...

I have two stepsons, 14 i 12 - they don't live with us, but spend some weekends. I have a solid friendly relationship with the older one, but the youger one has used many opportunities for touching me in an inappropriate way, for 2 years now. I suspect he is a high-functioning autist, but parents deny this and neither of them want to explore his social unusual behaviours any further. I told my husband right away when this first occurred, but he pretended as nothing happened. My stepson repetedly wants to kiss my feet and he sneeks into the bedroom when I'm alone and touches me or rubs against me whenever he can. I told him he was not supposed to do this. Every time he says he is sorry and won't do it again, but then he does it at the first opportunity. As soon as my husband leaves the room, he makes a move. His father (my husband) believes that this is just a phase he is going through and as the child already has some difficulties, he does nothing to stop this. I started avoiding my stepson and try to keep away on weekends, because I really don't know what to do.

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A male reader, chromeyellowsportster United States +, writes (24 April 2009):

This is what I think.

I overheard my wife of 17 years telling her girlfriend about how she was having sex with my son (her stepson). She was telling her girlfriend that she didn’t want to be ‘just a quick fuck to him’ and so on.

My wife and I have a beautiful son and daughter together, a young teen and a 7 year old.

I thought my life was going great. On her birthday just before this came up I’d written her a card saying how beautiful she is and how I loved her more than ever. We have a waterfront home on the lake and hundreds of friends. I make a lot of money and get to work from home. I’m blessed in every way, except one it turns out.

The level of betrayal is so severe it can drive you insane. I’ve been able to sleep an hour or two a night. I pray all the time for guidance. I want my young childeren to be happy, but it looks like I’ll only be with them on every other weekend if we get a divorce.

My oldest son who was part and parcel to this betrayal has also lost my love. I was his best friend.

Words can’t describe the anguish. Who’s done more harm to me, Osama bin Laden or my wife? It is that bad.

I pray for them, I pray for my small childeren and myself. Please pray for us also. I am at Whit’s End.

What is wrong with people these days?

Peace to you and yours…

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008):

Really, what were you thinking? I just had to set and have my 15 year old nephew tell me that his step mother has been having sex with him since Sept. That sounds like your next step, and you want permission. To freakin' bad. You are basically a child molester. If you want some attention tell your husband to step up or at least find someone your age who does not look up to you as a parent. How can you do this to someone you are supposed to care about? He trusted you.

Your husband should know, not because I want the son to be hurt, you have done enough on that front, but he should know that you are low enough to hurt his child when you feel left out. YOU NEED HELP! GET IT QUICK!

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A male reader, askJAY South Africa +, writes (18 December 2008):

askJAY agony aunthmmm...i don't think the problem is the age.

its just that you need to sort things out with your husband, but please don't bring his son into it. shame lady, you wouldn't want his father to have unnecessary issues with him now would you? don't tell your husband what happened. if things don't work out for the marriage and for some reason young step-son wants to pursue you in any way, then he is choosing to have issues with his father and you don't have to be involved. you could just "enjoy the guy" lol.

anyway, i know my advice is not biblical or morally mainstream.

just one thing, don't make advances on the guy if he is not in control and completely willing. i know he is over 18, but still, its called abuse to take advantage of anyone in that way.

good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008):

Who initiated the inappropriate touching? You or your stepson? You don't say in your post who intitated it, but the fact that you feel guilty about it suggests that you initiated it, just as it appears you initiated the flirting and teasing of your stepson. If you don't want things to go any further, talk to your stepson and explain to him that was happened was inappropriate and can't happen again, lest you both do something that you may both regret.

If you feel your husband is ignorning you, you should talk to your husband about it and try to resolve the situation. If that doesn't work, divorce him and go back to being single again and then you can fool around with whoever you want, including the young man who's currently your stepson (after you've divorced his dad, of course).

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A female reader, survivor1987 United States +, writes (15 December 2008):

no no no no no!this cant go on! 19 or not, he is family!!! and even tho 19, at your age he is still a kid.. you may be lonely, but thats what dildos are for! shame shame shame.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (15 December 2008):

Danielepew agony auntWe are not supposed to be judgmental, but you had it coming. Harmlesss fun, you said? I can't believe it. You are the adult and the step-mother, and should have known much, much better than this. If this had happened between a step-father and a step-daughter, we'd be calling this another name. Maybe some people would even call the Police, you know, even though the son is of full age. And I think I should say all this, because you need to realize what you did. We Catholics have a prayer that goes "my fault, my fault, and only my fault", and there's good reason why. At least this is what you should be feeling.

This is a mistake, yes, but it is more than that, too. I guess that the word "mistake" sort of reduces the gravity of the matter. It puts it at the same level of saying that 2 + 2 = 5. That's a mistake, too.

It would be easier to understand if you had flirted with any other man, whatever his age. But, you chose the son. I think you need to think about why you did just that. Maybe you wanted more than a little revenge? I wonder if your insatisfaction is relieved by the thought of the man being cheated on by his own son.

You will need to tell the son that this is absolutely wrong and inacceptable, for both of you. So, you will have to stop it even if he insists. And he might, because his judgment is not that good.

I don't think you should tell your husband. It would break his heart to know that he was betrayed twice by the two people he would least expect it from. If he gets to know about it, be ready for the consequences. And they should be worse for you, because, I insist, you're the one we would expect to know much better.

And then, perhaps the big lesson you need to learn here is this: if your marriage needs fixing, fix whatever needs to be fixed. Or leave the man.

There is no end to this story. You and that stupid guy will have hurt the husband very deeply for the rest of your lives. Both of you need to live with that.

By the way, I don't hear you say you repent.

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A female reader, getright11 United States +, writes (15 December 2008):

getright11 agony auntThats just sick.

you needed attention that much? i wonder what you would do if you didnt even know that was your step son 0_0

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