A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi im 18 and my boyfriend is 35. i have not.told.my.parents yet as they do not like the idea of age diffrrences when.it comesto relationships. ive never been with an.older man before so when my parents found out for the first time they freaked. my mum told me to end it or she would disownme and many other several threats have been made. they also dont like his race and that causes alot of grief. i told them that it was over and i ended it but secretly we are still togetherin order to be with him ive been lying to my family. ive decided that i can not do this anymore and they need to know. does anyone have any suggestions on how i could tell them. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, my2cents +, writes (6 August 2012):
I feel you are a strong person, are probably more mature than some your age as this may be the reason you are attracted to a person of his age.In the expression thrown around that 'age is just a number' I believe in this and have seen it work many times with age difference relationships.You have let the cat out of the bag which is exactly what needed to be done if youwant to continue to be with your boyfriend. Your dads reaction is common as you are his daughter. Your mum is probably a little more open minded. Its the nature of the two sexes. In saying that, you should keep opening up to your mum when you can, letting her know more of your feelings towards him, convincing her that he makes you happy and he wont harm you as you wrote earlier. That paragraph is the type of information you should be sharing with her because she will obviously seek out the 'cons' of your argument. I assume she would still deep down be thinking he's going to take you away from them or that you might drop out of school for him andwreck your life. You also wrote 'he actually wants you to finish your studies' which shows he is the opposite and does care for you as he wants you to do well. Does your mum know this?Bad mouthing to your sister Im not sure I understand completely but seems odd from what I read. Will things get better you ask? They will get better, remember you just told them and they are thinking about it so it will take them a few days to return to their normal selves, even your dad
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): so i told my parents nd now my dad hates me he is taking it quite badly my mother is not to bad to my face but bad mouths us to my sister. its alot harder for me at home now. it feels horrible to.b called so many names by the people who are meant to love u most in the world. will everything get better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): Seems like you know what you are doing & are comfortable with his age and the feelings between you two. The question you ask is how do you tell them??
Youre correct in saying you want to tell them as this will start the ball rolling in terms of your parents knowing what you want and how you feel about him. The most common issue is that parents judgewithout knowing exactly what their child wants, even though you are technically an adult. I would suggest bringing the situation up again and asking them questions about why they feel this way, specially if they have never met him. They might discuss it amongst themselves over the next fews days of telling them but seriously, thats what you want. You need it out in the open for your situation to move forward. Try a small mention to them first and go from there
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): i ubderstand what you are saying however this man.could not hurt a fly. he genually cares about me. his race does not affecylt me. if anything it mhas taught me.alot of things. my mother and father have age difference themselves. my boy friend.and i talk.everyday and never run out of things to.say its great. so everty time i use to.mention his name my mum would change the subject straight away. what do i do.if she continues to.do.this when im tryibg to tell her
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (1 August 2012):
 I hit 'Enter' prematurely.
The problem with concealing a lover from your family is you isolate yourself from your support network and become more heavily dependent upon that lover.
You cannot easily gauge the health of your relationship because you can't run scenarios by people without arousing suspicion.
You put yourself in a vulnerable position.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (1 August 2012):
Given the age difference and the fact that his race is an issue they are likely going to 'freak' and try to lay down the law regardless of how you put it so I'd either just spit it out (when they're in a decent mood) or stop seeing the guy.
Have you given any thought to why your family is so concerned? That those concerns might be valid?
I don't subscribe to the motto that age is just a number. If that were true, paedophilia would be legal and socially acceptable and the average lifespan would be considerably longer. Just think, if he had dated you a year or 2 ago, he could have gone to jail and been added to the sex offenders registry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): my parents have not met this.man yet and they should not jufge us.until they do. this man makes me unbelievalby happy and when.i.am not with him my.heart literally.hurts. he makes me feel so much better about everything. my parents were scared that he would stop me from.finishing.school but he actually encourages me to finish it and helps me with.it if he can. i have no.idea what to.do
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): This one always comes up as you can see by searching through this forum. Its never easy to tell parents that your love is with an older man. What is it about this man that makes you feel this way? Is his race going to affect your life or beliefs? Eg are u christian and he is muslim where you would have to convert etc. Do they know how you feel about him?
I would suggest mentioning it to them again as it seems from your post that it happened a while ago that threats were made. If you can elloborate on a few more points, i might be able to suggest more advice. Hang in there
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): we have been.seeing each other for nearly a year. we love each.other very much.and even talk.about moving in.together and when.it.comes.to.the far future he has even told.me that he wants to marry mea
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (31 July 2012):
I think Aunty Bimbim has a particularly good answer, before you tell your parents anything you need to explore this subject with them by asking ''why didnt you feel X was not right for me? I am just curious.'' it might be that they see a serious flaw in him that you didnt, Im not saying you are stupid of course but they might see more from their perspective than you. do that before you plan to tell them anything. then you can make an informed decision. also talking it over with a counsellor or trusted adult outside the family would give you more perspective. good luck regardless.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 The only REAL "question" here is: WHEN are you going to realize that a 35 year old man is ONLY interested in you because you are a tender, sweet (and maybe virginal) young lady who is enamored of him..... AND, he may get to have a torrid "romance" with you.... that is, before he throws you over for some OTHER young girl of about your age.....
There's nothing WRONG with your parents' concern.... except that they need to recognize that forbidding this "relationship" will only drive you and this old cad together more solidly... AND make YOU behave still MORE immaturely in your effort to "show them" that you are adult and know much more than they do....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 There is no good way of telling them - they are never going to be happy with this so no matter how nicely you tell them they will not support you.
Keep in mind they are your parents, and while you are living under their roof you are their responsibility. They want you to be happy and they have your best interests at heart, hence why they know that you dating a man 17 years older than you is a very bad idea.
I could give you a list longer than my arm as to why this relationship is a bad idea, and why you should actually listen to your parents and break up with him - but I wont go into that because it doesnt sound like anything is going to break up with this man.
Tell your parents, just get it over and done with and talk to them - but dont expect it to have a happy ending because no parent would ever support a relationship like this.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (31 July 2012):
 I can understand your parent's concern. You say your boyfriend is of a different race, is he Australian born or did he immigrate to Australia as a child, or as an adult, or are your parents of a different race to the majority of Australians?
Are there cultural practices associated with your boyfriend's race that may be causing extra concern for your parents. Is your boyfriend working, at age 35 it could be expected for him to be quite settled financially in Australia, does he own his own home?
It is difficult to judge from your question if there could be valid reasons for their concern or if they are just stuck in the 1960s and still scared of Reds Under the Beds!
You also don't say how long you and your boyfriend have been seeing each other, or what your future plans/dreams may be.
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