A
male
age
30-35,
*hadowtyger
writes:Okay this my story. 11 months ago i started martial arts nearby where i live, in my first lesson my eye was immediantly drawn to this beautiful girl. Over the next few months we start talking and we exchange numbers, add each other on facebook, etc, the usual. As time passes we get closer to each other, and I start to develop feelings, eventually I ask her if she wants to start going out. She asks or time to think about it, she'd been in a relationship that had turned violent and was the reason she started martial arts. I agree and give her space, we still see each 3 times a week at martial arts and we talk like we normally do. After 6 weeks without an answer I ask her again and she has a good at me and says im pressuring her, I say fine and walk away. We still talk to each other at martial arts and after a couple of weeks she asks we if im interested in her still and I say yes, the second i get home though she has a right go at me saying I dont care about her and that I clearly dont want a relationship with her. We dont talk to each other but still see at martial arts, we ignore each other and hang out with our old groups of friends. Eventually we start talking again and its like nothing ever went wrong, she again asks if I want a relationship I ask, if im going to get an answer this time she says yes etc. So I ask and she says no, so I think fine and leave it at that. Back to not talking to each other again for some reason that still remains unknown to me. On tuesday I get a message saying that she is sorry that she was a bitch to me and she's sorry for what I happened, I say im sorry as well and all seems good between us. I then ask why it didnt work between us, she asks why does it matter, I reply that I would just like to know. She blanks me, today I ask so what was the reason, she replies 'so nothing. end of convo' I think fine, end of. Now the problem, I still love her, im always thinking about her and I have to see her 2 days a week and everything I seem to do between us ends up making things worse. The answer seems to be drop my eelings for her. But I cant seem to do it. Anyone got any ideas.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): People who have been in abusive relationships have trouble with "normal" relationships.
She needs "control" and can't have a "normal" relationship until she learns to let go of some of that control.
Be friends, consider other relationships, and be open to her starting the relationship.
In fact, at my elderly age, I'd suggest you tell her how you feel, and that you understand how she may not like that, but that you are open to being friends or more if she would like, but that you are "sorry" if you offended her and that you had not intent to offend.
A
female
reader, titoefrito  +, writes (29 November 2010):
Because she was in an abusive relationship, it probably left her feeling powerless and weak. By deciding to take martial arts, that shows that she is trying to recover by giving herself a sense of safety (the ability to defend herself). She's not healed yet. Whether she realizes it or not, she needs time to build herself back up...to feel better about herself. By treating you the way that she did, she was controlling the relationship (something she didn't have before). Give it time. Just be there for her as best as you can and don't mention wanting anything more. You never know what will happen if you wait. For now, be a friend to her. Good luck.
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