A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So i am about to be 20 years old in month, during my freshman year i met this guy who was out of the ordinary. Hes 22 years old, and hes a virgin for religious reasons. But yet hes messed around with girls, including myself. We are in a relationship, but he gets so upset because i am not a virgin. Ive gone to church with him, ive discussed my views with god and my religon but its like he doesnt get it. I love him and i just want him to realize that it shouldnt matter if i am a virgin or not. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Persuade him into "messing about"... slowly does it, when you are naked and doing things tell him how you feel, come on hard to him, and try to seduce him.
Dont make the mistake of going for the dick... eye contact, holding each other, sexy talking and kissing is much more successful option to pick.
If that doesn't work cut your losses, if it does, ride him... Religious people love the do and get forgiven anyway.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): "If you loved me enough then you would ______" is emotional blackmail.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Sorry babes, but virginity is very important to him. He will not be able to enter into a long term relationship with a non-virgin and will not be able to marry one.
You have done nothing wrong. But for religious people who think virginity is the most important thing of all, it's impossible to overlook your sexual experience.
Forget about this guy and find someone who loves you and accepts you just the way you are. This guy doesn't love you enough for you to stay with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): This guy is not insecure. He is struggling because he is being asked to turn against one of his deepest lifelong beliefs.
It's pathetic that so many people really don't understand the difference.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Shouldn't matter? That is up to him. His life, his choices. Your life, your choices. You don't get to say how someone else should lead their life or you will have to accept someone else telling you how to lead your life.
Some people make choices we don't like that, but that is their choice. If you can't respect his choices, his beliefs, then why should he respect your choices, your beliefs?
Respect goes both ways and it seems you both lack the capacity at the moment to allow for differences in other people. To bad, but it happens. Either you overcome it, or drift apart because your expectations of each other do not match up. But there is no wrong or right here. If you can't get past it, then why should he? And if he can't get past it, then why should you?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2010):
 So he does engage in sexual activity, he just doesn't do intercourse? Interesting rationalization on his part. His penis presumably is stimulated? Manual and/or oral stimulation?
If he's fooling around sexually and has done everything but intercourse, then I think he's a bit naive as to saving his virginity for religious reasons. Perhaps he's not the best at logic, and this is more of an emotional problem for him?
I'd say he's probably not the guy for you, but not because you are not a virgin. I wonder how he explains his sexual activity within the context of his religious views. I'd be curious to hear that particular rationalization. My guess is that he's actually really rather insecure and just can't handle the idea of possibly being compared to someone else. I'd say set this one loose and find someone who is comfortable with your sexual experience. You can't talk him into getting over it if he's not able to do so.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): There is no fixing this.
Of course he has no right to judge you for your past. But declining a relationship with you is not the same thing as judging you. He has the right to choose someone he feels compatible with.
Even though he probably does not see you as some kind of worthless slutty person, he may still never feel okay about being involved with someone who does not share his values and life experiences. It sounds like he is never going to feel compatible with you in this way, so this relationship is doomed.
The common thing for people to do in these situations is to try to push through it. Popular belief holds that peopel are supposed to get over it with time. But the problem is that this usually does not work. If he tries to push this conflict aside and just hope it fades, he is probably setting himself up for years of emotional torment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2010):
 Sorry, this is something that can not be fixed. Find a guy who can accept ALL of you, not just use you til a virgin shows up..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): If he loves you it won't matter whether you are a virgin or not. The main thing is your relationship with God and with him. Everything else is secondary, imho.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): No amount of willpower can fix an unwanted sexual past. Break up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): You are ATTRACTED to him, you do not LOVE him. Physical attraction is automatic. Love requires knowledge, willpower and E-F-F-O-R-T (a swearword these days to be sure).He deserves a virgin wife, for whom he is saving himself. And you'll never be The One for him. So, leave him alone and find yourself another guy.
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A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (20 August 2010):
 This sounds like something we can't cure I'm afraid. You're doing everything you can to accomodate him and his beliefs, which is very understanding of you. If he can't get past his own issues with you not being a virgin, that's something we can't fix because it's his opinion.
Maybe you should ask him what about you not being a virgin bothers him? Is it that you've not saved yourself for marriage? Is it that somebody has taken your innocence so you're worth less to him?
He should try to understand how much you love him, and what you're doing to accomodate his religion. Your sexual past is something you can't fix, but make it clear that if you could, you would. The rest is up to him I'm afraid
good luck!
xxx
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