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I'm wracked with guilt for having an affair! How do I get over this?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 April 2007) 6 Answers - (Newest, 26 April 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

i had an affair and ended a 14 year relationship with the father of my 2 children,the affair was complicated and ended messily. i am racked with guilt for so many reasons,how do i get through or over this guilt?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007):

Hi anonymous,

I'm sorry to hear about what's happened. Whilst you have made a mistake you do not deserve to be consumed with guilt. All people make mistakes, and you are just a person. You're neither a good, or a bad person, you're just a person that does both good and bad.

Guilt is an unhealthy emotion because it's notorious for stopping you from making any positive changes. You are probably telling yourself guilt-provoking thoughts such as "I'm such a bad wife / mother / person", "I did the ultimately betrayal", "I'm worthless". Guilt sabotages your chances of moving past these thoughts and those thoughts that criticise you will only lead you to put yourself down even further, thereby making yourself feel more depressed. Do you deserve that? Of course you don't. Even if you feel you've done something wrong, try and accept yourself as someone who made a mistake but that it doesn't make you a bad or selfish person. Shame and guilt grow in the dark of your mind and it is important to talk out these feelings with a professional. Would you see a relationships counsellor? I think they are the best way for you to move on from your current feelings. A Relate counsellor will see you on your own, if you want to see one in the evenings there will be a wait but often you can see one right away if you can attend during the day. The website is www.relate.org.uk.

At the moment you are just kicking yourself whilst you're already down and that doesn't do any good for you at all. Instead you can take responsibility for overcoming your emotional pain by being compassionate with yourself - try being your own best friend instead of your own worst critic for a while, I think it will change your perspective on your future. I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (26 April 2007):

eddie agony auntYou sound like you've been honest with yourself. Unfortunately, there is no great answer. You can forgive yourself but you have to live with the results of your actions. You can't change what you've done. This is the down side of the excitement the affair brought you. Many people make this mistake. You need to move on...but...you can't force anyone to let you off the hook until they're ready. That's blunt but true. This is the consequence of the adventure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007):

Hey Sweetie,

Take no notice of the harsh posters, no-one knows the full ins and outs of your story enough to judge you like that and the last thing you need are judgmental morons kicking you when you're down!

My thoughts are that something must have been not quite right with your relationship if you went so far as to have an affair. The fact that the affair didn't work out could well be a blessing in disguise as I am guessing that your affair partner was most likey a catalyst rather that the solution to an unhappy relationship.

The best thing is always to try and work out what's wrong in a current relationship before looking elsewhere, but that's very easy to say and your problem is what to do now, not what you maybe should or should not have done. I think you should really examine whether your guilt is clouding your true feelings about the situation. If you hadn't had the affair, and were still with your ex would you be happy? If you were still with your affair partner would you be happy?

The fact that neither relationship has survived this whole thing makes me think that once the dust has settled, you may well feel better than you have in years because you are free and not tied to a 14-year relationship that you were unhappy in, nor to a relationship that was most likey a fling.

Take some time to rebuild your life, your confidence and spend time helping your kids adjust and Im sure that someone great will come along for you at the right time when you have moved on from all of this. Enjoy being an independent cosmopolitan single fantastic Mum, hang out with friends and please give your self a break from feeling so guilty. These things happen, we're all human and the best you can do is, well your best really! You can't change what has happened, and your ex may be hurt and upset but all you can do is be honest, apologise and move on.

I wish you all the very best and I appreciate it must be horrible for you right now, but things will get better I promise. There's a whole world out there, 14 years in a relationship can make you forget that! xxx

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A female reader, glamgirl +, writes (26 April 2007):

glamgirl agony auntYou may have made a mistake but you learn from your mistakes. Just remember everything happens for a reason

something good may come out of this.

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A male reader, agony_uncle_r United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2007):

what your looking for is for others to tell you that everything is alright and what you did can be excused. well im sorry but hurting a loving husband and father and braking up a family in my eyes isnt excuseable... forgiveness is only found when true regret is felt, forgiveness is earnt from those its needed from, like your hurt kids and former husband.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007):

You feel guilty because you hurt the father of your children. But what you have got to remember is to move on and count this as a mistake in your life.

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