A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm really tired. I got divorce 2 years a go and walked away with nothing,my choice. I have a young daughter which I share the custody. Here is the problem, I insisted that my parents join me and they got a residency and I'm they sponsor, few months here and few months back home. They helped me with taking care of my kid before the divorce and now. Every time they go back I should insist until they come back. They don't like it here and I don't need their help here but I'm thinkg that if they lose their residency they will have problem as they get older and I won't be there to help them. I pay for their most of the expenses including medical and everything else beside the airfare when they travel back and fort. I'm in a bad situation now. I have just one income and I cant have any saving by paying for 3.5, having my kid half a time. I expected them to learn English fluently during these 6 years but they don't show interest. I am going to get married soon and here it gets complicated. They say no way and dont want to stay for a minute and I have to focus on my life and this not right to live with my new husband. My ex put some blaim on my parents supporting me to get divorce, not true, and they are still hurt about it. So I was thinkg they go back home as I get married but they should come back after 6 months prepared for the exam to get their citizenship and get free to stay longer back home or move completely here. They refuse staying with my new husband and to be honest I think is not right atleast at the beginning of the marriage. For me it will be like a failure. All these years. All the money I have spend will be gone with no result. And I feel guilty for getting married. What should I do? Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2016): I'm the OP. Thank you for responses. It is not about me. I do not need their help and if they go back home they don't need my support financially. Both parents are retired and have their income and house back home. It is about the future because I can't go to visit often or be there as they get older. If I'm lucky every few years and my ex doesn't allow me to take my child. They love my soon to be husband, they believe if they stay they bother us and we have to focus on our life and at the beginning of the marriage it is so wrong that they stay with us which I understand. I feel guilty because that is the main reason for leaving and not trying to get their citizenship. If they leave all the traveling and money that they have spent and also me during these few years will be gone with no result. I feel like a failure. Just don't know what is the best option here.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016): We're in the similar situation. We want to get the right papers for my mother in law so that she can have healthcare. So I can relate to what you're saying.However, we don't have other problems you mention. Still, I think I can share some of the things I learned. You cannot (and should not) accept the responsibility for others 100%. Be honest with your parents. Explain that it is what SUITS YOU as their primer carer, that if they do not cooperate, there will come a time when you won't be able to help them.Before you do this you must be clear on this with yourself. If they refuse, that's that. You must accept that you won't be able to help them. You must believe in what you are saying, that's the only way for them to understand the gravity of the situation.In our case, we need to get permanent papers for my mother in law, because if she falls ill, the only way for us to help her is to care for her here (even though she doesn't want to live her actually). We do not have the means to pay for her medical bills in our country of origin and we cannot pay for the bills here, unless she has good insurance, which she can only get if she works with us on getting her the right papers.So, we did exactly what I advised you to do. First, we were clear about the situation ourselves. Should she refuse, we accepted the fact that we would be helpless. It's horrible to think that way, but it's real life. I love her, respect her and want to be there for her. My husband is her only son. But, we cannot let her be irrational and in a way blackmail us. There's just so much we can do and we cannot take on full responsibility for her. We send her as much as wee can. We pay for all the plane tickets for her to come. We sometimes take her on holidays with us. But, as I said we cannot afford to take care of her if she falls ill unless she has papers here where we live.The last time we talked about this, she was presented with hard facts and after thinking about it, she agreed. It was her choice.That's the only thing you can do. Weigh your options, make a firm decision, present it to your parents and let them decide.Being a foreigner someplace is never easy. Especially for elderly people. I'm sure that you can all find a common ground if you leave emotions out of it.Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016): Your parents are elderly and it's best you make the visits back and forth. If they don't wish to speak English, don't like your new husband, and you can't afford to fly them back and forth; it seems a logical no-brainer that you should make the trips with your daughter to see them.
It's really not about your convenience or what is uncomfortable for you. They are the elder ones! They get to do what they want, says what they want, and be where they want. They're the parents in this situation; and they've earned the right. Your drama belongs to you, and if you want to continue seeing your parents; you'll obviously have to go to them.
They can get their healthcare insurance and eldercare through social services if that becomes absolutely necessary. Money can be exchanged through wire or by mail. They may have to survive without your help. If they refuse to come, it appears that decision has been made. Why should you feel guilty about getting married? You're an adult and old enough to make your own decisions. Your parent's approval isn't required, and eventually it will come out of necessity. Simply because they can't do a thing about it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 February 2016):
 Listen to your parents, outline your concerns, and what you would like to have happen, for them, and for you, and then ask them what they really want. Tell them to think very carefully about when they are older, explain to them your wishes for them to know and be available for your daughter, and any other children you may have.
Also make sure your new husband is aware and okay with what you are discussing.
Ask your parents to spend some time weighing up all the good points about staying, and all the bad points and then they can make their decision.
Make sure that if they are not wanting to stay, you can make arrangements for you and your children to visit them on a regular basis.
Good luck, I hope your parents make a good choice for THEM and that you are able to be happy with their choice. I also wish you well for your future.
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