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I'm worried about my ex she has contacted me out of the blue and I don't wish to have anything to do with her

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 March 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, *tarting again 101 writes:

Hello everyone.

How are you all?

Okay, so I'm not sure how this goes? First time here.

I really need some advice.

I, like many others had everything. Cutting a long story short. I lost it all. I got involved with a lady I should never have gotten involved with. Which resulted in me losing family members, friends, my home, my car, my job. I lost everything. I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last.

It was a horrible, horrible time... My self confidence, everything was shot to pieces because of this lady.

It's taken me almost 4 years to rebuild my life and I am still rebuilding. I've made new friends. Some great friends. Work is okay. I'd prefer better, but beggars can't be choosers right?

I 'try' to be very careful in what I do now. I've not been in a relationship for 4 years now because of what happened to me. I don't really let girls get close to me anymore in fear that they will do the same thing to me.

Anyway, I guess I'm a much more careful person. I'm always extra vigilant...

With regards to social media I thought my account was air tight. I thought I had it at my highest security settings...

Well my ex has been in touch... She contacted me in the early hours of the morning and I'm petrified she's going to cause trouble again?

I don't know how she found me, but I'm really scared. My mind is racing because I'm saying to myself she was obviously looking for me and what's even more worrying is this is two in the morning.

My question is... Do I message her and tell her - Please! I don't want any trouble? I hope you're happy and life is good! Everything is in the past. Do I just ignore it or do I block her, but I worry this will set her off again and she will start to contact my friends on this social networking site? You can't see my friends list but you can see people who have liked stuff you have put up.

What do I do? I'm really worried about this!

Thanks to everyone in advance!

Hope you all have a good day.

View related questions: confidence, my ex

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (11 March 2016):

Ciar agony auntDo NOT answer her. Regardless of what you say responding to her is granting her the audience she obviously wants (or wanted at 2 in the morning anyway).

Besides, right now she doesn't really know what to make of you and what's become of you since you and she parted ways. That air of mystery is a good thing. It keeps her on her toes and she can't easily form a plan of attack when she doesn't quite know what to make of you.

Say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to her. Take a screen shot of the message, showing the date and time and keep it for your records in case she takes it further. Then block and delete the message and change your settings so that only friends can see you.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (11 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou should not live your life in fear of someone else, what could she possibly do that makes you so afraid off her? What was it she done in the past that caused you to lose everything? There are much deeper issues here than social media, you cannot seem to get in to another relationship because of the damage she has done, was it really that bad? Is it something you wish to discuss with someone?

I agree with everyone else, block her, she will not be able to see your page or anything else about you, don't reply to her. Just go straight to blocking her, and carry on rebuilding your life.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (11 March 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI agree. Just block her, make all your settings private and that way she can't see what your friends have "liked". There are ways to do that and absolutely nothing will show on your page to someone who's not your friend. I also suggest that you remove your profile picture for the time being as well as your cover photo. Don't let her see you in any way.

Don't respond at all... Don't ever make that mistake. That's what she wants from you.

If things get murky then don't hesitate to report her to the police

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI wouldn't answer her, I would block her.

Once you block her she can't access your page and therefore she can't contact friends either.

I'd check the setting again, maybe from another computer - look yourself up and SEE exactly what EVERYONE can see. IF she CAN see anything you don't want her too. try adjusting settings.

I'm not really sure what she can tell all these people that will make you lose them as friends, but IF you feel she is harassing you, contact FB and if it continues the Police as well.

What does she "have" on you that scares you so much?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2016):

I don't know, there are a lot of possibilities. I could say that since it has been for years and she has not contacted you, she may have assumed that enough time had passed and it's possible that she is seeking forgiveness and a chance to make amends.I don't know if you had any idea what was going on with her the past 4 years and I don't know what she said to you when she contacted you. if she simply added you to that social media, she may be testing the waters. she may not realize how seriously her actions destroyed your life or she may not feel it is her fault. again, I don't really know if this was a methodical way of slowly "punishing" you for having "wronged" her (I.e. she didn't get her way) or if she has been slowly "building a case" and by contacting you she gets to make her "final move." since I don't know anything I hesitate to make her out to be a sociopath, and as a recovering addict I have hurt many people as much as I really didn't want to and there is no possible way I could ever make up for it. that is where the idea of making amends came from.

however, I work with a sponsor and I have contacted people I have hurt to social media. the difference is, I did not send a friend request. At the suggestion of my sponsor, I stated that I had been in a 12 step program and that part of that included making amends and that I was interested in doing that. I went on to say that I was not expecting forgiveness or friendship and that I only wanted to state that I had awknowledge that where I went wrong, and asked what was I could do to attempt to make up for it if they were willing to hear me. I stated that I would like to meet face to face and that my sponsor be present. I also said that if they felt better over the phone that would be second-best or I could write a letter if they were willing to read it. I made it clear that if they did not respond I would not move forward with communication. I had some people flat out tell me to not contact them and I simply responded with God bless you and that was it. and others who were skeptical but willing to listen and draw payment plans with me and still others who said they saw I was doing better and that they had been praying.

the problem is I don't believe she is asking for amends. it sounds like she wants to pick up where you left off and act like she did nothing wrong. my suggestion would be to tell her that you want nothing to do with her and that you do not want her to contact you. Yes, she probably will go off and she probably will try to ruin things for you. this is where you save all messages and when possible save screenshot and print off anything you can. I would also ask for a free legal consultation to describe what has happened thus far so that you can build a case to get a PPO/TPO (personal protective order/temporary protective order) I don't know what it is called where you live. do you guys have free legal consultation where you live? I am certain you have something similar. from what I understand at least where I live, a person has to be told to leave somebody alone before they can be hit with a restraining order and sued for harassment.

I am sure you did the best job you could making whatever dating site you were on airtight. she probably did a lot of work on tracking you down and I would say you have a good solid case. all I can say is document document document.I hope that you err on the side of caution because it is not paranoid to let her know she is bothering you. it is also prudent to tell her that you have potential harassment case if she attempts to contact you provided that works for the laws where are you live.

blessings

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (11 March 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntPersonally I would probably start with my response to her being immediately blocking her. Then ask that your friends block her as well. Should she find another way to then find you, report her to the site itself. Hopefully not, but if she doesn't get the message and continues to find ways to find you or her harassment escalates to something more sinister, then I would politely let her know that you wish her well but re establishing a friendship is not something you are interested in. Save the message to show that you have made this request, otherwise proving harassment could prove a bit difficult. From that point, don't indulge in any further explanation or discussion. If she has bunny boiler tendencies, then of course go to the police should you feel threatened in any way. Hope she gets the message without it getting messy. All the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2016):

I would ignore her and block her. If you block her, she can't see anything. I am pretty sure you can change your social network settings to make everything private. So she can't see anything.

I had a friend like this who I just can't get rid of. She's an awful person, a two timer. I want nothing to do with her or with anyone who associates with her. She doesn't talk to me but she still tries to get in touch with exes of mine and my current boyfriend either directly or indirectly. Which obviously makes my blood boil. She tends to have influence over people because she has a good personality, so people often mistake her, can't see her agenda and can't see what a evil troublemaker she is.

What I have found to be a good way of dealing with this is ignoring her, not let her get under my skin and being the best I can be. It's best to continue moving forward with your life, make all the improvements you need. If your friends are true they will stand by you. The better your life becomes, the more insignificant and pathetic she will look to others. And the more transparent she will become to others. Don't let her stand in the way of your success.

People like them just want a reaction. So don't give it to her. Block her. And be confident that nothing she does will affect the new life you've made for yourself.

If she turns psycho or harasses you or anything file a police report or get a restraining order against her. Seriously.

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