A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm single, so this isn't something I'm writing out of emotion, but something I have pondered in the past. I came across a lot of articles online lately about what guys like and dislike in relationships and it seems as though a lot of guys mentioned they frown upon jealousy. I've also noticed that if a female feels negatively about something and expresses it to her boyfriend she's then labled a jealous girlfriend, even if it seems double standard. When I look around me, or when I go out, it seems as though the world is filled with very pretty girls, wild girls, and just all sorts of temptations. Everywhere a guy looks is some form of nudity created to stimulate his mind sexually, even Facebook anymore. I'm wondering how some females can manage not being jealous and I'm wondering how some guys don't see how this affects their partners. I dated a guy one time who watched loads of porn. And he would always call me jealous but then one day I pulled up a play girl website and he flipped out. My last boyfriend followed a lot of twerking pages on Facebook and his news feed was nothing but bubble butts. But he got upset when I started following naked men pages. Are their men in the world who understand the position girlfriends face when it comes to competition? And is it unreasonable? Do guys really want a girlfriend who's indifferent about such things? And if so, at what point would he draw the line of she never does?
View related questions:
facebook, jealous, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2018): And that theory all works well perhaps for individuals MAYBE sometimes but until the problem of male privlidge is addressed we are going to keep having people having the same problems coming back here . Are you going to keep telling them to find mature men In an ever dwindling pool and not care less about me. Taking responsibility for changing
What do you propose be done about the very real issue of male priveldge . If you don't believe it's true please explain why men account for the majority of power and wealth positions in this world , why women are primary are the victims of crime and when men are the victims of crime it's primarily inflicted by men and why women are used as sex objects and trafficked in Dili I am extreme manner across the planet
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (22 April 2018):
 Sorry I lost half my answer :( the gist of it was that if a man is blowing up over things you know are not OK then he's 99% feeling guilty and too childish to admit to his wrongdoing or just too immature to see it.
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (21 April 2018):
And you know what, you have to remember that people who have double standards are either control freaks OR people that haven't bothered to learn how to take accountability for their own actions, as they're too tactless and immature to know they've done wrong but throw their toys out the pram when YOU do the same thing, because it's not fair on their childish egos.
Your exes sound like childish selfish dicks and when you come across someone that you sense being immature or a bit of a dick cut it off there! Don't waste time on little boys because the behaviour you're concerned about is the bahaviour of boys who AREN'T mature enough for a relationship.
This does also relate to insecurity to some degree- if you're having a complex every time you see a pretty girl on the screen to the point you're jealous of porn THAT is something a man would find annoying and IS an indicator of insecurity.
BUT if a man is acting like a pig and you tell him it upsets you and he then blows up about it, THAT is the behaviour of a twatty childish man. For example I used to go mental at my boyfriend because EVERY time he saw an attractive woman he would say EXPLICIT locker room stuff to me, like come on! ALL THE TIME. It was like going out with a 13 year old that had seen a woman for the first time That kind of thing is not OK and it doesn't show maturity OR that he thought about how that would make me feel. Furthermore he would ALWAYS call me oversensitive, jealous and "play dumb" like he didn't know he was acting like a sleazy teenager. He would get REALLY defensive and you know what? Men that get defensive when they're in the wrong are the WRONG type of men to be dating. I realise that now.
Because a good man will know what makes his woman happy and have enough tact and maturity to not talk about women he'd like to f**k to his gf constantly (what my ex used to do)
It comes down to the type of guy you're with and if your concern is reasonable. If it's born from insecurity men will be more likely to blow off the handle but at the end of the day if you're secure in yourself things like a guy watching porn WON'T make you feel inferior. We are all different shapes, colours sizes, porn is just enhanced SIMULATION for a quick fix. Most men do it, but the difference is men that do it in front of watching naked women twerking, is like them wiping their arse in front of you - is that the sign of a good quality mature man?
The bottom line is be SECURE in yourself, and KNOW what your standards are. When you've thought about what they are try and look at hem objectively and analyse if they're reasonable and not a product of insecurity. When you realise them DON'T settle for less than those standards.
for example look at the past losers, now you know that you DON'T want guys them in your life. Live and learn and if you find that you are feeling inferior to other women realise that IS insecurity, and maybe get some CBT/ therapy. You do seem insecure andthe issue is obviously causing you some anxiety or you wouldn't be here.
Take care of yourself and learn to love you for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018): You will notice that many male answers brush off your feelings as insignificant of imply the problem is so simple to overcome yet most women understand exactly what this is like because they experience this everyday since birthThis is a prime example of male priveldge in actio and not being able to see another's experience for what it truly is . The world is unjust for women yet most men are happy for it to be that way and see no need to protest or even agree that it is so This is why it's so important you hold your convictions and choose your associations very carefully. Most men are so ignorant of the way women are treated as meat ( or they don't care) that they will tell women it's simply their insecurities and they need to just accept it . This is just not good enough . Change will only come when people recognise women's true value as equal to men's and nothing to do with their appearnce Sure that starts with women themselves but MEN have a responsibility here too. not to simply call women insecure and to recognise they are the main consumers of this rubbish
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 April 2018):
 This is a classic case of being unable to control what is happening around you but recognizing that your strength lies in how you react to it.
I have never been able to understand how someone can be jealous of an image on a screen. I mean, it's just something someone is looking at. It's not like he is having a relationship with any of the women or even in contact with them. It's the same as guys (or ladies) lusting over pop stars or actors. Great daydreaming material but nothing to get jealous over.
In my view it's all down to insecurity. If you are secure in yourself, you will not feel threatened by someone looking at porn or anything else on a screen. I would recommend working on our own self esteem so you can laugh stuff like this off.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018): Don't get jealous. Get Even!Do we really see these women as sexual. No!I don't at least.I see them as being used by money greedy corporations who are selling their ware on account of a beautiful/sexy woman. The herd follows and follows on a dark and treacherous path and has been for years.These woman in turn, enjoy the money and the fame it brings them and darest I say, that they are enticing men - until they wake up?!Beauty should be from God for God is beautiful and enticing, but then God can be a raging sea or a Giraffe (I see God in all)!People should see this too, but choose to only look at outside beauty and care nothing for what is the reality of what is real.Life is not about money or sex that only men (mostly) get gratification from because of corporate greed and lies! Woman feel that they have to compete, but they don't. But we have to stop walking blind and so do the men. We are all made of the same stuff. So how and why did it become sooo distorted? ... ?Real Beauty comes from life and truth and Love. And that can only come from within. God is a jealous God.But not by mans standards. Life is too short to live that way!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018): Sadly in a world that teaches women are only worth how they measure up to the beauty standard , quality men can be hard to find.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 April 2018):
 Of course there is a double standard for men and women. Sometimes the lines are bit more blurred than they used to be.. but double standards are common.
However, HAVING a standard should be common sense.
Which means a guy who is VERY into porn may not be something you are interested in. Or a guy who believes only HE can watch porn.
Or, a guy who thinks it's appropriate to "follow" various not-really-appropriate pages online - he may JUST not be such a good catch or match (for ANY woman, as he OBVIOUSLY view women as pieces of meat.)
I don't think MOST men feel this way or act this way. At least not from my experience. But I also would NOT keep such a guy around. If a guy can't be respectful in a relationship, he isn't "date-able" in my book.
As for double standards. We all have them. Think about it. How often have you heard that men should NEVER hit a women but not that women shouldn't hit men? And yes, I perfectly get that there is a difference (usually) in physical power and so forth - but violence is violence and should not BE OK - ever.
I don't HAVE the issue of feeling jealous, because I have a husband who isn't a sleaze. A husband who doesn't see women as props, inferior, weak or existing for HIS sexual pleasure.
While we are not that same, he has his strong suits and I have mine, we are equals in the marriage. I don't think we could have lasted over 20 years together if we weren't.
So... instead of dating men who does INAPPROPRIATE stuff, set you standards for a partner a tad higher. Be good at communication and NEVER settle for a "fixer-upper" someone who needs to change is many ways to be perfect.
Date quality men.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018): I understand your questions and unfortunately we live in a world where women are effectively taught that it is their role ( and the role of all women) to be ornamental and they better dare not complain Your very correct that women are much much more objectified for the way they look than men and it's just assumed by society ( men and many women who have been conditioned to accept it ) that womenShould just shut up and put up with it .Any woman who complains or even mentions the double standards is quickly labeled as jealous or worse yet and angry feminist ( as if being a woman who wants equality for both genders is somehow a BAD thing ) Unfortunately the nature of porn and the way woman are grouped like meat in a market under labels further worsens this mentality but the public mind is smallThe only thing you can do is know that you as an individual don't have to go along with the flow . Does this mean you need to be jealous , no of course not . However you can certainly hold your beliefs firm about their being a double standard and surround yourself with people who also feel strongly about the need to have equality in their lives . You can attempt to elimate as much as possible those who follow strict gender roles and stereotypes and you can form relationships with men ( although they may be few ) who recognise these issues and will understand the impact this imbalance can cause on any woman he knows or possible daughter he has and is conscious of being part of change rather than reinforcing this imbalance It's a lot about who you associate with and the people you let in. Your correct that most men are ignorant that there is anything wrong with objectifying women or even having a double standard . They think it's perfectly ok because 'hey they are attracted to women' and also many women feel it's ok because ' that's just the way things are ' but remember that throughout history there have been many times people have thought very archaic and unjust behaviours were ok simply because they were the norm at the time Break the mold and show the world you won't be on this earth simply to be measured and judged by men
...............................
|
