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I'm very happy in my relationship but why do I suddenly want to contact my abusive ex to tell him how awful he was to me?

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

When I was 16-18 I dated an emotionally and physically abusive man who was a little older than me. My first time was with him and it wasn't something I wanted, but we were somehow together for a couple years. When it ended, it didn't properly end. . . he sent me letters every day, turned up at my house, sent messages to my friends, threatened to kill himself of cause problems for my family. This went on for another year or so, and I won't go into details but eventually, it stopped.

I'm now almost 24 and I haven't heard a word from him for almost three years. I was so desperate to get him out of my life and leave me alone and now he has.

I've been with my current boyfriend for four years and I'm so happy.

I never thought about my ex until today. I don't know why but I've just started having these weird feelings. I keep thinking about stuff - not in a good or bad way, and how much he hurt me. Why has this suddenly happened? Am I right to feel guilty for thinking about it at all?Why am I now doing this?

I just feel stronger now and it's so hard for me not to contact him and tell him how I feel and how awful he was, but I know I shouldn't do that because it's bringing attention back to the situation which I shouldn't want. What's wrong with me? I'm so confused

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (29 July 2017):

DON'T DO IT. You are just going to open a can of worms, or worst, Pandora's Box.

You also need to look for a therapist that can help you deal with that issue you are having right now. You see, when people have been abused for a long time, and then they switch to normal, healthy relationships, they feel WEIRD, and do things to try to go back to the old Toxic and Unhealthy relationships.


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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (6 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou had a tough past, and yes it will come back sometimes, you need to let them feelings out, so talk to a friend if you have someone close enough or else write a letter to him, tell him all the things he made you feel, write it all down and then seal it up and burn it. It is a great way to let all your emotions out.

He is an abusive person and if you contact him he will more than likely cause trouble with you and your boyfriend and get in your head again. It is okay to think about the past and be angry and sad.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (31 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYour best revenge is to live a happy life. Smile to yourself at the thought that you survived his abuse and are now a stronger person as a result of it.

The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.

Be happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2017):

Its simply because you are now a stronger person than you were and you KNOW you are better than him.

I don't necessarily agree with people saying you shouldn't want to ever think about him again or want to contact him.

I know how you feel and because you are now confident and happy you want him to know that you arent this timid thing he was able to bully and put down anymore.

Believe me every relationship he's had since he has done the same thing. He hasn't treated anybody better than he did you.

Don't feel guilty for wanting to put him in his place or even thinking about it. You want closure but the fact you are way better off now is closure. You won and you survived.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (31 March 2017):

N91 agony auntAs usual I agree with Honeypie.

I was also going to suggest writing it all down, letting absolutely everything out with no filter and if necessary and you feel like you may, let the tears out too.

Get everything out in the open. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES contact your ex, you are doing fine now in your new relationship, so keep it that way.

I'm almost certain you will feel a lot better by letting your feelings out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2017):

No one in their right !mind would contact an abusive ex unless you trully wanted to sabotage the relationship you are now in.

By contacting him you are giving him the right to mess your life up a little bit more!

While you may feel you are in a situation of control where you can make him feel bad, the reality is that he is a nasty piece of work and you should be eternally thankful you have no contact.

You remember those films where you think:

"Why has she gone and done that!" as the hapless woman runs in heels, screams loudly while being chased, drops things when hiding, sneezes and generally waves a giant flag to reveal her hiding place.

This is now you.

When you should keep quiet you are thinking that you should contact him!

Your boyfriend you love will be eternally confused as to why you made contact with your ex

and you missy will be the hapless screaming victim.

If you stay quiet you may be able to rewrite your life script and move on happily with your wonderful life!

Shake the dust off your feet and stay away from the ex!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think you are starting to process what happened on another level. For years you were scared, worried, intimidated, stressed etc. etc. NOW you have gotten to the ANGRY part. Which I think is good.

However, you DO NOT need to contact him to go through that stage. No matter WHAT you say to this guy he is NOT going to apologize or feel BAD for what he did. He is NOT going to magically stop being an abusive, manipulative and DANGEROUS person, JUST because you tell him what he did was wrong. HE DOESN'T CARE that what he did cause SO much drama and problems for everyone else. HE probably NEVER will.

Do you REALLY want him back in your life? Because if you contact him, he will UNDOUBTEDLY think it's an INVITATION to terrorize you ALL over again. IS that fair on your family? Your friends and your new BF?

Go out and BUY a journal and WRITE everything down as it pops into your head. Process it by writing it down. What HE did, HOW it made you feel.

You have a MILLION times better chance at getting through this without CONTACTING that crazy ex-bf.

If you are still grappling with what went on - Talk to your doctor get a referral and FIND a therapist.

Hopefully, YOU learned a LOT of lessons from that toxic, abusive and dysfunctional relationship you had at 16-18 - remember those lessons as you move forward.

If you put your hand in a bears mouth and he BIT IT OFF, would you then go back and stick the other hand in the bear mouth? I hope not. Same goes with contacting this ex-bf/ex-abuser.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (31 March 2017):

YouWish agony auntFirst of all, if a guy was physically abusive towards you, you shouldn't want to be in the same COUNTY, let alone in the same room as he is.

Second, you're healing from the ordeal. Your life is on the upswing, and your ego wants to confront him from a position of power when before you were in a position of degradation. That's very understandable.

In the movies, it's like the scene from Pretty Woman when the previously scorned heroine returns to the clothing store that threw her out, and they realize that she had more money to shop than most of the other customers. When she returns, dressed lavishly, they fall all over themselves to help her, and she rejects THEM by saying "You work on commission? Big mistake. BIG. HUGE. I have to go shopping now." and leaves.

Your ego wants the vindication. I would recommend your better life be its own vindication because of two reasons:

1. The guy is abusive.

2. New boyfriends consider women who go contacting their exes to be a dealbreaking event, or at least one that devastates trust.

Let the fact that you ARE stronger now be its own vindication. Give yourself daydreams that he's somewhere suffering, looking like the years hit him with the ugly stick, and he's sad and miserable forever. Then smile and kiss the guy you're with now.

But do not contact an abuser. Ever.

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