A
male
age
41-50,
*heSadSon
writes:Hello to all the Aunts and UnclesOkay, I'm really needing some help here.Basically I have lost pretty much everything. I don't want to really go into that side of things too much. But I've lost my home. My business. When I went under my partner couldn't leave quick enough....I'm a very proud guy. Lots of guys are I guess. We never know when to swallow our pride. Anyway, I asked my Mum if I could move back into the family home. It's not a small house but it's not the biggest house either. I am grateful to my Mum. If it wasn't for her I'd be homeless. Yes, I am now unemployed. This is the first time I've been unemployed in my 20 years of working. I am claiming benefits which is under £300 a month. I am actively seeking employment. Anyway, when it came to negotiating rent money with my Mum it basically come down to she takes £100 a month from me. Which leaves me with £50 a week that I still have to buy food with and clothe myself with. That's £7.14 a day which isn't a lot.Now, my brother and his girlfriend also stay in the home. They clear over £3000 a month between the two of them. Now I knew they weren't paying a lot in rent. They make no contributions at all. But I have just discovered that neither of them are paying anything. Not a penny.Yet my brother has just went away and bought himself a brand new car. Am I missing the point here? Does anyone think this is unfair or is it me that's in the wrong? I just don't think this is fair, I'm looking for other people's opinions because maybe I'm just too close to this.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2016):
 Talk to your mum, as I am sure she has her reasons.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): Yes you definitely need to discuss this with your mum. I had a similar thing when I returned home after my divorce. My younger sister has always been more irresponsible with money and I think my parents just went along with her not paying. Amongst other things she used their car while I had to buy my own.I live in the most expensive part of the UK and know it would be easy for your brother and his partner to rent a flat of their own anywhere so why don't they? Your mum sounds like a soft touch and they are taking advantage. I think you should suggest to her that they also contribute after all it's only fair. Otherwise your mum will be stuck with them forever and they'll never be independent.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): You need to ask your mother directly "why am I, who has lost everything, contributing more than my brother AND his girlfriend who have the cash for cars yet they don't pay rent?" I would tell her you of course expect to pay rent and for that reason you don't understand why your brother and his gf are not.Only your mother can iron the creases out of this situation as it's her who has come to these decisions.As an outsider looking in, I almost pity your brother - despite a decent combined salary he has nothing to show except he went and got a car...Two adults in a relationship are living with parents. If he isn't a lot younger than yourself, then he really isn't living or taking risks and having a bit of an adventure with life. You have come back in a totally different situation, whilst right now you are in a low point you have experienced hard work and success. You'll get there again too, it might not be easy but you have skills your brother seemingly doesn't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 May 2016):
 So talk to her?
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A
male
reader, TheSadSon +, writes (23 May 2016):
TheSadSon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo my brother who makes no contributions at all. Gas, electricity, food, nothing.
I have always contributed to the family since I can remember.
I looked after my dying father when my brother did nothing.
And my brother and his girlfriend get a free ride.
My brother has never contributed.
I'm sorry, but I don't get that. £3000 a month between the two of them and they can't even put their hand in their pocket for £20?
That's not right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): Maybe she just thinks this is the way you would prefer it been very proud and that it helps maintain your independence thus self esteem. Don't focus on this too much, you have a life to rebuild any form of negative thinking can plummet you into places you do not need to go.
Good Luck with starting again, Phoenix Rising!!!!
How exciting wonder what the universe holds in store, new adventures.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2016):
My guess is that she is hoping by making you ACCOUNTABLE and RESPONSIBLE (as in paying rent) and actually taking a BIG chunk of your money, that you will work HARDER on finding a new job and get on your way back to independence.
Why then doesn't she do it for the other brother and his GF? Maybe he is much younger than you? Maybe he has SAT her down and shown her a plan/budget where he and the GF are saving up like MAD to buy a house? And thus she knows it's only temporary that they are staying - OR she knows HE needs more help than you. He might (despite his good income) CONSTANTLY need "help" and your MOM likes to feel wanted/needed.
She might not realize just HOW MUCH it took for you to ask for help.
So what do you do about it? Nothing.
IT IS entirely within your mom's "rights" to ask YOU for rent and not the other son, IF she so pleases. Is it fair? Perhaps not.
But in reality is it fair that a grown man in his 30's needs to live of his mom again, right?
I'm not sure of the age of your brother, I'm guessing though, that he IS much younger. If he is not... Then I think it's definitely unfair. But.. guess what? Life isn't fair.
So what do you need to do? Work harder on getting a job so you can move out and RECLAIM your independence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): The deal is lopsided, for sure. However; bear this in mind. It's her house, and she does what she pleases with it. They were already there; and you're an unexpected addition.
You did say you were proud. You might want to look back in retrospect at how you've treated your parents and family over the years. How often did you remember her birthdays, just sit down to visit, take her to dinner; or call her to see how she's doing? Ever send her flowers for no reason? Your brother stuck around, and they have been there as company all this time. She may simply enjoy having them there. They probably take her out, celebrate thing with her, and make her feel like she's still mum!
You were the proud and independent guy who focused more on himself. Perhaps you've shown her a lot of love over the years; but people make their on choices, and have their own perceptions of what they consider makes them happy and grateful. Your mother may have appreciated the way he and his girlfriend have always been there to spare her from loneliness. You speak nothing of your father. These days, people rarely do. That troubles me. Is he divorced or deceased? Has he always been absent from your life?
You're there, you're not homeless, and what your brother pays or doesn't pay is none of your business really. You have the savvy and ability to run a business; whereas your brother may be very emotionally-dependent, and may have always been. There is no way she doesn't benefit in some way for having them there. You don't see it, she does. It's not always calculated in currency and legal tender. You would see it that way, if only looking from a business standpoint.
She knows the strengths and weaknesses of her kids. She doesn't want you to become dependent like your brother, and even if they earn a decent living and bought a new car, she will still benefit from the use of it. If they were cruel to her or taking things from her; would they be there at all?
Unfortunately; sometime parents do have favorites, but that doesn't mean they love you any less. The faithful kids who come around the most often get privileges and special treatment; but it may be those kids who were treated with less attention who often end-up taking care of their parents into their twilight years. Fate has a way of evening things out, and giving them a little karma for that.
Don't measure how much your mother cares for your brother, focus on how much she loves you. Concentrate more on how much you love her and how you show it. Appreciate her generosity in it's purest form, and you might see things in a different light. Don't allow jealousy to taint your feelings towards her, or your brother. You're down on your luck,and maybe this is a humbling experience for you. Stay positive and thankful, that's when the blessing start to flow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with this. It's not that uncommon unfortunately. I don't know if you are ready to confront the whole problem. Parents who treat their children differently usually do not do it just in one aspect, in your case financially. They are unfair in most if not all of the aspects. I've seen cases where this discrimination was explained by the favored child being younger and/or of a certain gender an/or in some kind of problem... or all three of them.The discrimination starts so early that you cannot find a rational explanation most often. For some reason you feel and they certainly treat you as an OUTSIDER. For ALL OF THEM, your brother included, it is completely normal that you have to pay the rent.I suppose that you have no other place to go, so I won't advise you to leave. I honestly don't know if it would be a good idea to talk openly to them. They just won't see the things from your perspective. If they could they wouldn't have been acting the way they do. I'd try to focus on finding work and leave.And then, if at all, I would launch a discussion and let them know how I felt. I am afraid that if you do it now, you would be fighting all 4 of them and you are already forced to live there.Hang in there. It will pass. If anything this helped you see the REAL picture. I am sorry to say but you cannot count on your family, the way things are right now. You may think that it is not a useful information given the fact that you're already at the rock bottom. But don't kid yourself things could always be worse and you MUST now whom you can count on.
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