A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, My boyfriend used to be a fairly heavy drug user before I met him (according to him) but has not been using for almost 2 years now. He just told me that he's been smoking weed occasionally with friends, and this really upsets me. Because of serious drug and alcohol problems with my father when I was young, I've always stayed away from all drugs. I really don't have that much of a problem with weed in general, I have friends who smoke all the time and it doesn't really bother me, but somehow it's different with my boyfriend. I'm trying really hard not to be judgmental about it, but I'm struggling with how to approach this. I don't feel I have the right to tell him what to do, but I need him to understand how I feel about it. He already knows my history with my dad. I know I need to have a conversation with him, but I just don't know how to go about it. I really value this relationship. I love this man and we've been together over a year now, so I want to do this the right way. Thank you all for your time.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 September 2013):
 it's different because he's your partner.
the problem is this... you want a partner that is totally drug and alcohol free... that is your right
he wants to smoke pot.. that is his right
if you can't agree one of you will have to walk away
you are correct you can't tell him to quit.
you can't even really ask him to quit.
and to BRIBE him to quit with a watch or other gift.. that won't work.
he has to want to quit for himself. quitting for a bribe or to please you because it's what YOU want is not going to work... if it does.. he'll be resentful and it may show up in other ways.
So here you go you now have a HUGE decision to make.
do you stay with him even though you don't want a partner who is using or do you leave him as long as he chooses to use?
the problem is I'm betting you are not willing to do what you really NEED TO do... which is tell him exactly this:
"I love you I want to be with you. I am sorry however, I cannot and WILL NOT be with you as long as you choose to use. I am not telling you to stop because I can't do that but I am walking away from you until you choose to stop and can show me that you have."
The problem is if you tell him you want him to stop that you can't or won't tolerate it, then you have to back your words up with your feet. UNTIL you are willing to walk away as long as he's using you can't say or do anything as it will undermine your position.
Telling him to stop or you will leave and then not leaving will just let him know he can do stuff and you love him too much to leave him.
IF it's a deal breaker then break the deal
if it's not a deal breaker then you can't say or do anything.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 Offer a compromise. Say ill get u a nice watch or something u both agree on thats nice n for long term use so he sticks to the agreement. Get him something nice in exchange for him quitting. I got my gf an ankle bracelet custom made to a design that fits her personality n she has stayed away for over 90 days!!
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