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I'm unhappily married and recently started an affair. Is this so wrong?

Tagged as: Cheating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 October 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 24 October 2007)
A female Ireland age 41-50, *andyo writes:

I am unhappily married and i think it is too late. i recently started an affair with a man from my past who is also married. he blows hot and cold. i think we are soul mates and believe i am falling in love. i would be quite happy to stay in my marriage because i love my husband but i want this other man to be a part of my life too. is this so wrong and what sould i do. my husband has hurt me so much. he had an affair and a baby with my best friend. i have tried so hard to get over it with great difficulty. i am at a very sad place at the moment. this ex just gives my life a little bit of happiness.

View related questions: affair, best friend, soul mates, soulmate

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A female reader, sandyo Ireland +, writes (24 October 2007):

sandyo is verified as being by the original poster of the question

tanks to all who have replied but i still at a crossroads.. have met several times with my secret man and talk several times a week.. i try to get him outta my head but nothing works, i have fell hook line and sinker.. i dont know where this is gonna end up... i know that it is wrong but it like an addiction for me...

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A female reader, gmapeaches United States +, writes (23 October 2007):

gmapeaches agony auntBeen there... 9 years ago.. unhappily married.. a man would come to where i work.. just be nice to me.. on his way to mcdonalds come in and ask if i needed anything.. one day he kissed me..we both felt bad.. then a week later. again.. we tried to stop.. agreed it was wrong.. but still that pull would bring us back to that spot.. for a while.. i got divorced.. he stayed married.. eventually two years ago.. I met someone.. all sneaking. no feeling ashamed.. my other guy.. persisted. he missed me. still saw him. talked to him. he didn't want to let go. was it wrong? probably. no it was wrong. what your doing. wrong. but divorce is hard. my cheating had nothing to do with my divorce. for me I have no regrets. if i had it to do over again. i would. he gave me some of the sweetest times of my life. i loved that man. like i said.. for the last two years i have been involved with my own guy.. and had kept my other man at arms distance.. he kept insisting so this one day i broke down and met him.. we spent 10 minutes together.. did some kissing some hand holding talked a little.. he died later that day.. sadly after all those years of our secret being kept at his death.. his family found out.. i have no regets..except the hurt it may have caused his wife.. i don't know.. maybe i am the wrong person to give advice on this matter.. but you only live once.. find your happiness and hold on to it with both hands... good luck.. as much advice as you ask for.. the decision is up to you.. and no one can make it for you.

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A female reader, lovejunkie Canada +, writes (17 October 2007):

lovejunkie agony auntAffairs never really solve anything, they just make bigger messes of people's lives and families and leave you with tremendous guilt. Considering what you've already been through with your husband, it sounds like it may be time to file for divorce and move on with your life if you are that unhappy. Good luck.

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A female reader, deee999 United Kingdom +, writes (17 October 2007):


I am so sorry for you, it sounds as though you are in a dreadful situation. But you are not being honest with either of the men in your life.

The fact that you husband has behaved so badly doesn't give you permission to do the same. The fact that your ex makes you happy doesn't mean that you can hurt his wife, because you will, and you know how that feels.

Face the truth, tell the truth, if you can't be with you husband honestly, then end the relationship. It will hurt, but it will get better. End the relationship with your ex, and let him know that if he wants to be with you, then he will have to end his marriage. Be strong on your own, and let your heart heal. Then once you are strong again, you'll find happiness, and this time it will be honest and real

Take care of yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

You are making a bad situation worse by seeing this man - try and stay focused on your feelings about your marriage. I don't think I could 'move on' from the hurt your husband has created without 'moving out' and I wonder if you could find the strength to do this as I think you will realise you have great potential and strength. I doubt you will truly forgive him (I wouldn't) as the damage is too great. I am not surprised you have tried, in a noble way actually, to find this comfort and love elsewhere but if you use this other man to prop you up through a bad marriage trust me you will only in fact have two bad relationships on your hands. You actually deserve one really loving relationship - please make plans for yourself. Make plans financially to get out and once your confidence builds you will know the right time to walk away from it all.

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A female reader, stina United States +, writes (17 October 2007):

stina agony auntHello Sandyo,

Have you and your husband been to couples counseling? If not, you may want to look into it. Perhaps with the help of a professional you two could get your marriage back on track - back to the way it was when you first married (which, I'm assuming, was great.)

If couples counseling is not an option you two want to take, have you talked with your husband about how you're feeling that the relationship is not doing as well as it could? I know this is probably a stupid question, but many times I find that people - for whatever reason - are afraid to talk with their significant others about problems for fear of hurting their partner. But the only way things are going to get better is if you're honest and communicate to one another. You should really try to get what you're feeling out in words. If you can't *say* them to his face, perhaps consider writing them out and handing him a letter to read. You should stick around while he reads the letter so that you two can talk about it and he can ask questions. Perhaps you should actually set aside an evening and let him know to write his feelings down for you to read, as well. This way you both won't forget to say anything.

Also, if you really want to focus on fixing your marriage, I would try to stop contact with this other man. I know how hard that will be, I've been in a position like you (although I was not married to either man.) Instead, take the time up that you would have spent with him or talking to him with ways you could help get your current relationship on track.

How does your husband feel about the marriage? This is something that you need to find out and will probably be told during the discussion, if you end up taking my advice.

If nothing seems to work, you can't talk through your problems, you can't deal with his child, the counseling does not help, then there is always the option of seperating. This doesn't mean that you two will get divorced! It just gives you time and space to yourself so you can actually get more of a clear mind to figure out what the heck you really want. Perhaps after being away from him for a bit, even if you two talk everyday, you'll decide whether or not you really want to be without him.

If you decide that this marriage is not for you after exhausting all of your options, *then* it's time for you to decide how to proceed with this other gentleman. And I strongly advise you to only start dating him when you know that divorce is actually going to occur. It would actually probably be best if you dated once the divorce became final. It will give you the time you need to put *you* first and take care of *your* needs.

Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

When you chose to stay with your husband after what he had done, you were ment to leave what happened in the past. If you couldnt move on from that then you should have ended it.

It is wrong that you have started a relationship outside your marriage - especially as he is also married... you know how you felt when it happened to you. How could you allow yourself to do that to the unexpecting wife?

If you are unhappy within your marriage for whatever reason then you need to end your relastionship before you pursue any other relationships further. The other guy blows hot and cold because in reality his marriage is probably pretty mediocre and he is probably wondering how to get himself out of this sticky mess.

Seek new happiness. You definately need to end your marriage first.

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