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I’m trying to understand where I stand with her before telling her how I feel! We are both very shy.

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 March 2019) 1 Answers - (Newest, 18 March 2019)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi again

I posted on here a few days ago with the title “Is she shy or just not into me?”. The situation has changed a lot since I posted that so I wanted to get your opinions once again. I’m sorry if this is long, my mind is a bit of a mess at the moment and I feel I need to talk to someone about it but sadly most of my friends aren’t there for me. I am also very shy so you should know that before reading the story.

If you didn’t read the previous post I’ll give a brief background. I’ve had a crush on a girl at my university for 6 months. She is an international student and seems shy, not sure if this is her personality or language barrier. She can speak well when she is confident. For the first 6 months we would see each other most days, sometimes chat a little but there was nothing there really. I liked her but had no hope. In the last 2 weeks it changed and I started to feel hope. She came over to sit with me and chatted for 4 hours, and seemed keen to keep chatting when we had to go to bed. The very next day she wanted to make a cake with me, we made it, decorated it and chatted for several hours again. She is a very shy girl but seemed to really open up. The following Friday she made seafood and asked if I would like to try, she sat and chatted with me while I did it. Then on the Sunday as she always wanted to learn piano I gave her a piano lesson, she seemed really interested, recorded me playing one of my songs, and then really like my paintings and I gave her one and she seemed so happy. I felt things were moving along nicely and things had improved so much in just 1 week. She was asking what I would do after graduating and if I would ever consider working in her country.

However after that something has changed. She became less chatty again and didn’t hang around as much. She used to always engage with my social media posts but now doesn’t even look at them. Then one day our mutual friend told me that she came to live in this accommodation because she liked a guy who was here, but she just got rejected by him on Thursday. This story seemed a bit odd as she was quite happy, he seemed happy as well and talking about her (he is gay though). He was really eager to tell me and said “that is the conversation I was just having with her outside” as if he had to explain why they were talking. It just felt weird. I asked him if she was ok or quite upset and he said “why would she be upset?” which seemed very odd. He kept saying weird things like “you should have seen what she looked like when she was running for the bus”. It sounded like he liked her, but I’m almost 100% sure he is gay. It made me wonder if she just asked him to tell me that so that I would know she wasn’t interested in me. Maybe that is an overreaction but I just don’t understand the situation.

When I spoke to her that evening, she was really warm again, invited me to go gokarting with her sometime and I thought she meant our whole group of friends (maybe she did), but then I asked her to visit another city with me that she said she wanted to see and she said yes. We didn’t know when the weather would be good or when she is free so we said we would plan it later. This situation made me feel weird as she didn’t seem like a girl who was just rejected, but perhaps she can hide it.

Since then, she has been hard to find. She didn’t spend any time outside her room really. She had asked me for some advice on something the night before and I said I’d do some research for her, so I sent it to her and she just replied with “thank you ?” so I guessed wasn’t up for chatting. Today I saw her and again she wasn’t very chatty, I asked her if she knew which day she would be free to visit the city as the weather for Saturday or Thursday was quite good (her day off), and she told me she was busy on Saturday doing a group project (which is true) and then I asked about Thursday and she seemed very hesitant, she said err err err umm and eventually said to ask her next Friday when she would know.

I know asking her is the easiest way, and I will do, but I don’t know if now is the wrong time to ask, she might be hurting from the other guy rejecting her and that is why she has gone cold. If she doesn’t like me now, then I don’t want to tell her and ruin it if I still have the chance to take things slowly and let her get to know me more with time and maybe she could like me later.

I just don’t know what to think. Maybe she liked this guy but felt I was getting close so wanted to check with him before trying anything with me. Maybe she is just friendly with me and it’s a coincidence. Maybe she was interested in me but lost interest and the rejection story was a way to let me know she likes someone else.

I just don’t know what to think as she seemed to really be opening up and I felt she could be interested. She complimented me a lot, plays with her hair, seems shy, makes eye contact but then looks away and blushes if I look at her for too long. Etc.

Any thoughts?

I know I am obsessing about it a bit and should try to take a step back, I am doing that today. Yesterday I was a total mess but I’m trying to control it more now. I just don’t know what I should do If I should tell her my feelings, wait until she stops hurting to tell her, wait until we’ve spent more time together to tell her etc.

View related questions: crush, shy, university

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (18 March 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt I would not focus much on trying to decode the " was she rejected ? " saga. You don't even know if it's true, since you did not hear that from her, but from a third party who may have misunderstood, or given you his personal interpretation of things.Anuway, maybe that is not as relevant as you think.

What I find relevant, unluckily, is her er-er-er- umming, and takeing a general step back when you launched the idea of a trip in another town just the two of you together. Er-er-er-umm is never a great sign, and I think that if she had been actually interested romantically in you, and being , supposedly, a shy girl who would not take the initiative with guys ( although, if she just got rejected by that guy in her dorm, then actually she CAN take the initiative if she wants ? ) she would have jumped at the chance of going on a quasi -date with you.

I think the problem is just that this trip is TOO dateish for her tastes. She likes spending time with you, she feels at ease in your company, you share interests etc.- but probably she does not see you in a romantic light. I think she was just trying to make friends with you, and it took her a little to come out of her shell even just for friendship, - because she is a foreigner in your country, because there's somewhat of a language barrier, and because she is not an outgoing type anyway. Little by little she started being closer to you, but as a friend , as someone to talk with and unwind with , and to ask advice and help in her studies etc. I guess a trip somewhere only the two of you , without the rest of your bunch of friends, -it's more of a coupley kind of things, and she pulled the brakes right away, but , she is too polite or too shy to tell you clearly " forget about it ",...hence the er-er umm.

Anyway : I notice now that your post went unanswered , unluckily, for quite a few days ,o I guess you had your answer now . I. e. ; if that Friday that you were supposed to fix a precise date for your day-trip, you did exactly that ; then I am wrong ( and very glad to be wrong ! ). If she kept being vague , and not knowing when she is free, etc.- she is giving you the runaround , in the attempt to shake you off her as a suitor, without offending you or losing your friendship.

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