A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 41 and just came out of a 20+ year marriage. Met a guy online, met in real life, 'clicked' physically and (for me at least) emotionally. But he hasn't. THe sex is incredible - first person I have orgasmed with ever - and I am utterly smitten. But he isn't. He wants to keep things casual (but exclusive) and I don't know if I do if am totally honest.The sensible part of me keeps telling me to run for the hills and look for something serious but my heart tells me to keep on with this and see where it leads. I really thought this sort of thing belonged in the realms of adolescene but I hurt so much right now it is insane.What do I do??
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female
reader, SaraB +, writes (11 June 2012):
Original poster here - thanks for all the advice girls (and guys). You are right of course; he IS playing me and I have told him I know he is. Much as I don't want to I have deleted his number, email address etc.
Thank you for telling me what I already knew - you are all fab xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): As you are already hurting and wanting more than this man can give you, carry on looking and don't agree to sex until you've sussed out what the guy is looking for.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I agree with Oldbag, in fact I think he is feeding you a line , "casual but exclusive " probably means he wants to make sure you are remaining at his disposal and not going anywhere, while he is sniffing around and checking what's out there, in search of someone he will want to date for real, not casually. At which point, bye bye, my casual exclusive lover.
Of course that's just my impression, I could not prove it, but regardless of that, you are anyway in an awkward position and in an unbalanced relationship, where you are smitten and he is not. If this is leading somewhere, it's to disappointment and hurt feelings.
You should also honestly ask yourself how much of these " feelings " come from the heart and how much from satisfied hormones doing their happy dance.
Finding incredible sex, and your first orgasms ever, at 41 must surely have a powerful impact ,but it might unduly influence good judgement. If this guy wasn't so good in bed and could not give you orgasms , same as those before him, would you STILL be smitten, would you still think that he is so great as a person ?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Hi there
If he has told you he wants to keep it casual, but exclusive, then he wants his cake and his freedom.
After a 20+ year marriage you may want great sex, but if you go down this road its going to hurt you even more than it is now.You are emotionally invested,you see sex as part of a relationship. This man sees sex as an act.He probably is attracted physically to you, but thats it.
Walk away and tell him why, you need to find one of those men who DOES want more than sex.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 You've accurately described a situation wherein HE enjoys s*x with you ... WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONS INVOLVED (on his part).... whilest YOU are falling for him......
The "end result" is easily predictable... HE will use you.... you will experience heartbreak.... and - until YOU put an end to it - you will be his tart.....
I hope you figure this out quickly and do not endure too much of the pain that can be involved.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 If you have talked with him about your feelings and he wants to keep things "casual", I would tell him you are going to have to say goodbye. You sound like you are looking for a stable relationship. If that is true, you are never going to be happy with someone you're having casual sex with. Sex is not casual for most people. It is something that is supposed to be extremely meaningful. Honestly, I do not really understand the term "casual relationship". Relationships of any kind are anything but casual. This guy just wants sex. I am glad you found someone who can make you orgasm, but he can't love you or make you happy. Not to be disrespectful, but get your head out of the sand. You want more. Tell him it's over because this will cause you nothing but hurt.
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A
female
reader, SaraB +, writes (10 June 2012):
Have to agree with the previous posters - you are on a high road to nowhere, great sex or not :-( Sorry hunni you sound so sad and this is not what you want to hear but you aren't going to be happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 June 2012):
 If you want to get to know this guy and want him to get to know you, DO NOT have sex again. Doing the FWB is NOT for someone like you. You don't have casual sex I'm betting. When you have sex you mean something with it. You add emotions.
I think it may have been a BIT much for him. He wants sex and that is it. Maybe a little bit of good company but he doesn't want a relationship, no matter how MUCH great sex you two have, he will not just change his mind.
So I would either NOT see him at all, or only see him as a friend ( no sex).
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Went through exactly the same thing a few years ago (after coming out of a long marriage)met someone who I fell head over heels for, great sex lived with him but always knew he wasn't emotionally invested. It didn't end well.
Two things I live by now.
Don't rush into sex and when someone tells you they don't feel the same about you as you do for them...don't waste any time or emotion...leave.
try not to fall into the friends with benefits trap to keep someone in your life. It won't change anything and you will face a lot of pain when they dump you for someone they want a proper relationship with.
Sorry to be so negative but I am your age and I have the T-shirt...and so do a lot of women I know.
Don't waste another second on someone who basically just wants you for the sex, wait til you find someone who proves they want a relationship with you.
Good Luck xxx
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A
male
reader, Ayan Ganguly  +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Wow..you sound very satisfied with your life then why are you letting petty confusions to creep in??..talk straight to him and before doing that know what you want for yourself..its your life and you live with the choices you make..so make up your mind and then convey your feelings to him in straight terms...'coz if he really wants to keep it casual i get a feeling that you would really be hurting yourself in the near future...there is no dearth of good guys..and vacuum is always meant to be filled..so don't worry
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (10 June 2012):
Talk to him about it. Don't beat around the bush or wait for something to happen. If he really doesn't see a future with you other than a casual fling, you have a right to know before you really commit your heart to this even further than you have now. You're already hurting and I'm afraid that if you go to "see where this leads" you'll find it leads nowhere.
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