A
female
age
18-21,
WiseOwl
writes:I am currently a virgin I'm 19, and there is this guy that has become my friend. We've had some attraction and little feelings for each other as more than friends but because of certain situations we never engaged any further than just staying friends. We talk about everything. We've been friends for almost 5 months. We've talked about sex. I've mentioned to him that i would like to lose my virginity even if that person wasn't my boyfriend but just my friend who i truely knew really cared for me. I have no problem with that. Also i have never been in a relationship either. We were hanging out his place when all of a sudden he kissed me. I want to have sex with my friend who is not a virgin. He wants to have sex with me too. We have decided that our friendship wouldn't go anyfurther because he will be going to school next fall in a different town and we don't believe in long distant relationship. We stil want to do it anyways. He wants to do it as a favor for me because i'm asking him to. He is not pressureing me or anything. I'm not afraid to have sex I was concerned of the after-sex part but no longer am. Because we've talked about it. We've covered everything. So I guess my question is that I've never been in a relationship but i care about this guy a lot and losing it to him i don't think i'd have an emotional problem after we'd do it and i'll hardly ever see him again, we'd still be friends. I'm just trying to figure out of the reason why i want to with him...i don't want to regret it And I don't want to think that because i haven't been in a relationship that i'm not degrading myself and just settling for whatever i can get (meaning my friend). I'm the type of person who doesn't want to "What if?" So i'll usually jump into it and find out because otherwise I'd never know. Some say that your virginity is a gift well i want to know what is so special about losing it and what is so special about keeping it? I don't want to lose it and in the future find my "true love" and he doesn't want me because i didn't lose my virginity to him. I do want to lose my virginity to that one person but in a way i mean i know i'm young but it's just hard to believe that that one person is realistic. And I want to be able to have kids before i turn 40. I'm tired of waiting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Ah, how sad it is. Ya know, a very wise person named ghandi once said,"You laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at you because you are all the same"Do you know how many virgins there are in America? Yea, talk about an extremely small number. So, why would you want to be like every other girl? I don't know about you, but I doubt Mr. Prince charming will settle for anything other than a goddess.Why do you think I believe that? Well, because I myself am a Prince lol.Not a real, rich famous etc prince, but a price as in the days of old.I am 21, and am a PROUD virgin. And I am waiting til marriage til I lose my virginity. Why? well I didn't always want to be this mr prince, not until about 11th grade.I used to be a lil punk in the 9th and 10th, always trying to use girls for sexual purposes, but luckily my heart stopped me in time. Since then, I realized that being a virgin, meant standing out from the normal, and I would become a prince. And, only a prince can marry a princess. Trust me, I have had MANY times to lose it, but no matter how horny I get, or how many chances I have, or how many times reality says a princess doesn't exist...I persevere..Do yo know the pain of saying no? Of having to "release" myself EVERY single day just to control myself from making any sexual advances? Do you know of this pain? of the feeling of regret as reality says "you will never get another chance to bang this girl again!"But guess what? I remember when my friend lost his virginity, he said that all his morals and respect for women went right down the drain...and that was the 1st thing that clicked inside my head, to make me the man I am today.He said he lost his morals, and respect for women. He became the very guy that women loathe. The one that uses girls just for sex, the one who would cheat if given the option. And I remember asking myself...do I really want to become THAT? No...I want to be 1 of a kind!Since you too are a virgin, or maybe not by now, tell me, have these thoughts crossed your mind? About reality telling you your soul mate doesn't exist? or regret that if you miss this oppurtunity it may be gone? I bet you have...Well, for me, though it may be a LIVING HELL to suffer by saying no, I've found something that would make my life meaningless.The regret of losing my virginity. Why? because I demand that my wife also be a virgin, to be pure, and then I thought to myself, if I settled for friendly sex, then I would become normal and find me a normal wife.But then, what if...one day my princess did come along? She too would only marry a guy if he was a virgin, and that would be the day my life would end. Regret would take over and consume my life. And my life would have no meaning, for I threw everything away NOT waiting for her. And that, would be the REAL living hell. So though I may suffer today and for years to come til i meet her, I know that this suffering will in NO WAY compare to the amount of suffering I will endure should I lose my virginity...So ask yourself, have you often dreamt of this true love? Of your own prince? I'm sure you have a long list as you should, but would he stay for you after you lose your virginity? If he is a true prince, then he will NOT stay for you.Why? Because Virginity represents strength, Purity, and suffering. God gave us hormones to be off the dang wall horny constantly so we can reproduce, but the true courage comes from controling those urges. When I find my true, I also have wanted her to suffer. For from suffering comes strength. And I know, that since she could hold out til marriage and for me, I would NEVER have to worry about her cheating, and my life would be complete.You have only ONE life, one chance at keeping your Virginity, and ONE chance to lose it. I don't know about you, but if I only had one shot at something in life, whether it be to make a project, or make a goal, I would do my best ever, practice day after day, work on it constantly, just to make sure it was perfect.You've kept it this long, why throw away all that you've gained? Actually, consider thisImagine all that you will be throwing away when you DO lose it. Hva eyou thought about the impact it will have on your life??If you give up your virginity, Reality will finally crush your spirit in the hopes of finding this "true love"And once he crushes that dream, he will crush the rest you have. And then, you will simply live the rest of your life as another "normal" person, working a dead end job, and going no where, doing nothing with your life.And then, one day when you get much older, and lying on your deathbed, that will be hell. For you will look back on your life with regret as you realize you did nothing special with your life. You became just like everyone else, and did not put up a fight against reality.There are those who in life have defied reality, and went on to create the world they dreamt it to be. Perhaps all of this might not becoem true, you could lose your virginity and become someone special, but your number one dream, I would imagine, would be to find this "true love" right?If your NUMBER one dream is crushed, what's to say reality won't crush the other ones?? Would you really be willing to take that chance??Why not defy reality? WHY NOT suffer and believe in those dreams deamed foolish by society??Society thinks "purity" is a sign of weakness, when in all actuality it's a sign of strength. I'm sure sex is fun and great, and I sure as hell can't wait to have it, but I want it to be with my true love, someone with whom I give my virginity too, and someone who will be special and with me for the rest of my life.Foolish as this may seem, I enjoy denying reality and what it demands I do. Reality wants me to conform to society, but I will NOT.I WILL chase that far and distant dream that she exists, and that she too is a virgin. If your prince also wants his 1st time to be special, why would he want to give it away to someone who already gave theirs up??Marriage is a trade of virginity, of purity to one another. And can only be kept pure by the bounds of marriage.But hey, it is your life, live it the way you would want. ~ Brandon
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): To me it sounds like you're hoping to quench an urge for a real relationship by scratching an itch for sex.
I'd hold out for the relationship if I was you.
But just be careful about it. You think maybe you're ready to do it with this guy after you knew him for 5 months. That was a long time.
I'm saying that I think you should pick a BF to sleep with instead of this guy, but just don't put too much credit onto some future guy and sleep with him right off just because he was willing to call it "dating" from the start.
Three weeks of an official BF, versus 5 months of "just friends?" The 5 months is still a hell of a closer relationship regardless of how everything was labelled.
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A
female
reader, ariel  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Some say that your virginity is a gift well i want to know what is so special about losing it and what is so special about keeping it?”.....Once its gone its gone. It will only be memory, hopefully a good memory. Loosing your virginity is a personal choice and should be because YOU want to. Will you be comfortable being naked with your friend? There are plenty of other ways to experiment without having penetrative sex. Be very sure you are ready. You don’t want "wam bam thankyou mam "sex. You want a toe curling experience. What about STD’s? You say it’s not his first time. Birth control…are you on the pill? What happens if by accident the condom splits and you heaven forbid get pregnant?
Take the time to explore this site,I hope you find it interesting and helpful. There are questions they ask that will help you make up your mind. http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/defining.html
Here's the definition copied from the site above.
Virgo – Origination of "Virgin"
"Virgin" originated from the Greek and Latin word "Virgo," or maiden. It was used often in Greek mythology to classify several goddesses such as Artemis (also known as Diana) and Hestia. Virgin was a label of strength and independence -- it described the goddesses who were immune to the temptations of Dionysus, Greek god of seduction and wine. Artemis is the Greek virgin goddess of the moon and the hunt; she protects women in labor, small children and wild animals. Hestia is the Greek virgin goddess of the hearth. She never takes part in the struggle of men and gods. Virginity was once a term of power.
Medieval Transformation of Virgin
In medieval times, virginity became a sexual term for a heterosexual woman in a physical state of not having had been penetrated by a penis. "Virginity" was classified as a gift from the Christian God only to be released by a "husband." It was expected for a woman to remain chaste until marriage; a woman broke her family’s honor if she was not chaste and was often punished. Tests of chastity, both medical and mystical, were used on women to verify their status.
One such test was checking for a hymen, or thin flap of skin located ½ inch inside most women’s vaginas upon birth. If the hymen was still intact, the woman was said to be "virgin." This test had been developed or adopted by various other cultures as well.
Today’s Interpretation
In the last few decades, the term or label "virgin" has become confusing as we try to label persons of both genders -- as well as transgendered persons and all persons of sexual orientations (straight, gay and bisexual).
The old concept of checking for a woman’s hymen to determine if she is a virgin is being thrown out as more is understood about the hymen. Not all women are born with hymens, some are born without fully intact hymens, and the membrane is so thin that it often breaks with normal physical activity such as running, gymnastics or horseback riding. Today it’s assumed that "virgin" means not having had been penetrated sexually. But what is considered "de-virginizing" penetration is still unclear -- does it mean penetration by a penis, finger, tongue or experience alone? Even more confusing is how society judges a "virgin." Sometimes the name is used condescendingly, sometimes in high regard and sometimes simply just as a fact.
So there you have it -- the history and confusion of the word "virgin." It still leaves a question as to what "virginity" really means. As society is still confused, it’s up to us to develop our own personal interpretation of the word. Many would like to regain the association of the word "virgin" with power, extending to all persons. However you decide to personalize the term, don’t force your interpretation on others. If your potential partner discuss "virginity" versus "non-virginity" make sure you are clear on your definitions.
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A
female
reader, WiseOwl +, writes (3 July 2008):
WiseOwl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I respect and admire you all for answering my question and giving me your advice, and personal experiences in what you believe is correct. Thank you all.
I'm also wondering if this guy you know he has explained to me that doing it just to do it is not worth it that it is something that a couple you know should be passionate and care for each other. As much as i like my guy it seems that he's a bit of a hypocrit because here he wants to with me but then have nothing involved with me after besides just staying friends. I wonder, is he kind of playing me or just using me in a sense?
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (3 July 2008):
 We are often motivated to make changes in our lives out of either fear or because we believe that taking a risk will benefit our personal growth and lead us in the direction we wish to go. I am going to assume you are a virgin by choice, not out of having no options, but whether you decided to stay a virgin is unknown. Was it because you were really just to afraid to have sex or because you simply had no desire to have it? Or..was it truly because you pictured it within the context of an "in love" committed relationship?
Right now, it seems your reason is fear, that you will never find that someone (loss of hope and options) which leads me to guess that you kept your virginity up until now because you want to share that intimacy with someone you love and that loves you and will invest in you.
"He wants to do it as a favor for me"- this statement alone tells me that you are very naive and have underestimated all the emotions you will feel after the act itself. Fear drives us to make all the rationalizations/justifications/minimalizations you are making (therapists call this denial). This person is far from committed to you in many other ways than just the impending long distance.
I think if you are really questioning the purpose of keeping your virginity, that's valid, but under these circumstances? No. Let your first time at least be with some guy that plans on emotionally and sexually committing to you. You are settling.
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A
female
reader, cutiemax09 +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Your virginity is special because you can never get it back once you lose it and it's important to lose it someone that is special because if you lose it to someone that is just gonna leave you afterwards you are going to regret losing your virginity to that person. So do what you think is best and be safe. Take Care!!!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (3 July 2008):
 Oh boy.
You are 19 and you want to have kids before you are 40. That gives you 21 years MORE YEARS THEN YOU HAVE LIVED SO FAR to do that.
Whats the rush?
What so special about your first time? Nothing really, so on your wedding day you won't be married in white will you. You will allow your fiance to see the dress before the wedding and the honeymoon, well that is just a holiday.
He is doing you a favor. YEAH RIGHT! I should try that on my gf, "Oh sure honey, will have sex with you, but only as a favor to you." Wonder how that will go, what do you think?
Most women loose their virginity to some random guy and an awful lot of them seem to regret it later. Sex, for women, is often about love, the most intimate connection you can have with a person. Doing it just for the sake of doing it, it just ain't how many women think.
Frankly if you are the type of person who wants to meet the right guy and then spend the rest of your life with him, then having random casual sex is just not a good idea. Changes are you will probably have a couple of failed relationships anyway, so what is the point of adding on to them with a guy YOU KNOW is not interested in a relationship to begin with?
Some women don't seem to handle sex only relationships very well and I get the idea you are one of them OR YOU WOULD NO LONGER BE A VIRGIN ALREADY.
One final note, while you are in the sack with this friend, Mr Right might be knocking on your door. What do you think prince Charmings reaction will be if you then open the door leaking blood and sperm?
Perhaps I should ask you this, what do you advice to guys who are still virgins at your age, should they just go to a prostitute to get it over with OR keep trying to find a real girlfriend?
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A
male
reader, DuncanGreen +, writes (3 July 2008):
 You will always remember your first time. Make it meaningful. As the prior person mentioned, although you have agreed not to take the relationship further than sex, sex can carry a huge emotional attachment, especially your first time.
To me, you sound like a girl who would like to find her true love and be married within a couple of years. If so, why not just wait it out? You're a long way away from turning 40, and good things come to those who wait.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): To answer your questions about virginity, well, many have their different version of why they think it's so important.
To me, it was the ONLY thing that was TRUELY mine. Everything that they give you is not yours that you obtain yourself. Your parents give you food and clothing. Even if you work and buy your own stuff, the stuff you buy is given to you only if you have the money to buy it. Virginity was not bought, you were born with it. You never bought it. Nobody gave it to you. You have it for yourself and you can do whatever you want with it.
Now, some decide to give it to someone they think they love, but most of them fail at it in many ways. The reason may be because the other person might have not loved them back, or the person's feelings were confused with lust. This may cause extreme anguish to the person who was a virgin because they feel a part of themselves was given away and not even apreciate it. There are others, though, who don't care about losing their virginity to anyone. They just do it and never regret it. Now be aware this group is really scarce because there are the ones who think they can handle it to lose it with just someone, but in the end can't handle the emotional turmoil of deception.
You know, if you find that special someone who you love and that he truely loves you back, he won't care if you're a virgin or not. He just will care about who you are and the person you are. Now, the decision will be yours. You can look deeply for that person, look past physical attraction, and wait for that person. Or you can just get of your anxieties now. In the end it will all be you.
And that one person is real. I have found mine. Many have found theirs. Like I said, you just have to look very deeply into everyone, do not descriminate based on how they look. Just don't give up
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A
female
reader, LilzDon'tKnow +, writes (3 July 2008):
 I'd lose it to your boy. that way there is no guilt hanging on your shoudlers
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): i know how you feel. im the same age as you and i lost it two months ago to a "friend with benefits" personally i would not recommend doing it with your friend. i got really attached and ended up wanting more from him when he didnt. who know maybe you will not do the same but as cliche as it sounds, just wait till you have a real relationship and it will be that much more special cause you waited. but its really up to you. good luck :)
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