A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a few questions actually. I have been in a relationship for 4 years now and it seems like things are slowly getting worse. I do everything i can for this man but he keeps saying these random comments like "I think i sould leave" or "I'm not in love with you anymore but i still want a relationship with you" or anything strange like that. I get upset when he has said these things and I question him about it. He complains that i am ranting at him and need to stop or he will leave. We have a completely crazy relationship history but ive been working so hard to keep this relationship. I just cant do it anymore though, Im tired of putting in all the effort. Is there anything I can do to keep him from thinking or saying anything like the above or could this be the end? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Always be sure when you tell someone you love them and also be sure when you tell them you don't. These are words that should not be bandied about lightly. Anyone using them to manipulate should be dumped.
Good luck
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 You can't CHANGE the way he is, he has to do that by himself and he obviously doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way he is so he's never going to change. Successful relationships are about compromise, communication, trust etc. The reason we have relationships is to see if we're compatible and from the sounds of things you and him definitely aren't. YOU are the one that's putting in all the effort here and he's treating you like a doormat. He's very slowly trying to control you, emotionally blackmailing you telling you he'll leave if you don't do as he says. You need to seriously think about your future with him, in time he'll sap all of your confidence and self esteem and will leave you anyway (in my opinion it's only a matter of time), leaving you an emotional wreck.
Take stock of your life. You deserve far better than this guy can give you. This is a relationship of HABIT more than anything else and most probably the only serious relationship you've ever had. YOU tell HIM you've had enough, tell HIM it's over and look for someone that will truly love you for who you are...
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, epifanatical  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 You have every right to be fed up with this man. If he were my boyfriend I would have given him 1 chance to explain himself and if he still is unsure I would show him the door. You dont mention if you live together or not, but if you do, tell him clearly that you dont deserve his treatment and that you want a man who loves you, respects you and darn well makes an effort. Perhaps this is what is needed to shake him outta his comfort zone, to let him see you are NOT willing to put up with his crap. A break from each other to sort out both where you stand therefore is needed. In the meantime, you get busy preparing. I wish you all the best. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Hi there
I can empathise with you here. My ex was constantly threatening to leave. It led to a very destructive cycle of behaviour in which I would try harder and harder to try and make things work, and he did less and less. We split eventually, which I thought would be the end of my world as I had spent the last few years desperately trying to keep this relationship alive. However, I soon discovered that I had been so tired of doing all the running that the end actually came as a relief and was a massive burden off my shoulders. I think you should let this relationship end and focus your efforts onto yourself and not someone who neither appreciates nor deserves you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (9 October 2008):
 i think you should let this man go. He is bullying you in an abusive mental way with hidden threats of leaving if you don't do what I want and it is not acceptable behaviour. I am sorry to say that I don't think he is in love with you anymore and that he doesn't really care. It is comfortable for him having you loving him and giving him attention all the time. He is putting in no effort. As qcumbr so beautifully puts it next time he says he is off , open the door for him. There is no love or mutual response from him so let him go.
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A
female
reader, Faybelline +, writes (9 October 2008):
 To be honest, it sounds like you could do a lot better; you shouldn't be the one putting all the effort in and then have him keep threatening to leave...besides if he really wants to leave, why hasn't he? He either doesn't really know what he wants or he's trying to make it clear that he's the one in control.
I think it seems a lot like he's using this threat of leaving to control you almost; I bet if you acted like you didn't care when he said that, or even agreed that he should leave, he'd get a shock.
If you want to make a go of it, then you need to be able to talk to each other; if he won't listen then write him a letter explaining how you feel.
Only you can know whether you want to stay with the guy or not. From what you've written, you seem pretty fed up though; you say you get upset and want to make it work but, unlike a lot of similar questions, you don't seem to be saying you love him or you don't want to lose him.
Maybe that's me over analysing but you need to seriously think about where you see the relationship going and whether it's right for you.
I wish you the best of luck. :)
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