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I'm thinking we're better of friends than lovers

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 January 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 January 2008)
A female United States age 36-40, *ummed out writes:

I really need advise. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He is 26 I am 31. I am very sexual and had great self confidence in bed until now. He always had issue with sex from the begining. Couldn't get it up or keep it up. I don't understand that at all. So we got along and things are very rutine with our sex. Same Time everyday same position same everything. It seems more by the book and his rythem is very robotic. If he tries to please me other ways it is very weird and out of place. He seems to have to concentrate very hard to keep his erection going and just pump fast snd steady until its over I think he keeps his eyes closed the whole time. I'm not ugly and my body is not repulsive. As I said I had a very healthy sex life before him. I don't get this lame interaction. There is no passion no emotion it just sucks. What is wrong? Guys help please! He says its nothing. He won't talk about it. Sometimes I swear I'm woken up by him masterbating in bed next to me but he gets really mad at me for accusing him. Could he only be able to enjoy real good sex by him self? Is this a possibility? No sex I ever had felt so forced and unwanted I am feeling worse and worse by the day over it all. Its not healthy or natural. What could be wrong? I am begining to think we are better as friends than lovers.

View related questions: confidence, erection, sex life

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A male reader, chlez83 Zambia +, writes (29 January 2008):

You really care about this guy! When i was in that situation,it only took months for me to get dumped and you gave him 2yrs and are willing to allow him have some experience elsewhere then come back to you? I wish i had met you then! I honestly saw a huuge difference in sexual experience from da 1st post you gave us and now you've confirmed it.Nature and culture has forced us to accept that in any relationship,a man must be superior,even in bed but this can't always be the case.Just like you would like to match up to a more sexually advanced partner is the same way a less sexually experienced man would like to match up too so it's only fair that the process of learning is mutual.Most women are programmed to think a man should play the leading role during sex,is it a law? I strongly believe,in such a situation,it's up to a woman.like you,to take it up as a challenge and "tutor" your man so that eventually you can be on the same wavelength but i guess very few women have the patience or desire to do that.Considering your feelings you are better off letting him go.Considering his feelings,ego and self esteem,you had better swallow your pride and pretend he's your "student".

Take care.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (28 January 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntI suppose there is nothing more you can do about it. He will have to learn somewhere else and master the techniques. Hope your next one would be much better.

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A female reader, bummed out  United States +, writes (28 January 2008):

bummed out is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for answering!

I am so confused. I know he has self esteem issues worse than anyone I ever met. I try to pump him up and complement him boost his ego. 2 years now and no luck.I try to give him pleasure but he won't just take it he trys to do stuff to me too and its just off key I try to get into sex but he won't let me kiss his neck or any other part of him but his lips he says he just doesn't like it. Crazy!I just expect him to perform. 5 minutes is our longest time ever. I will give him another chance but if I hear him tell me he isn't sure if I'm faking it when I try to get into sex with him I'm afraid I have to be just friends. He is making me feel like an idiot. I feel like I don't even want to try because I get this sinking feeling when it goes bad or I can't even get into it because I can't do this and I can't do that and if I do something I know he is thinking I'm faking it. If he gives me oral and its good he looks up at me like are you faking is it good and that just kills it.when I am at orgazim he asks me want me to stop? That also kills it because he asks right when it happens. I say give me ten seconds of soft touching and then you can stop. He seems to forget that everytime OMG just talking about it makes me want to cry. I feel awful inside about this. I am so rejected. I told him to watch some videos and hopefully he gets an idea of how it goes. I know I'm his 4th and we can probably deduct 2 from that. He is my 20 something. I'm ready to let him do a few more girls and then maybe we can enjoy a complete relationship. That's sad.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (28 January 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntHe needs to have more foreplays to make you orgasm. More orals and more caressing .

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A male reader, chlez83 Zambia +, writes (28 January 2008):

If it really bothers you that much,better you end it and ask that you remain as friends.However,having been in a similar situation before,i would suggest you have more patience with him and sit down with him and talk it over.Ask him if there's anything you can do to help.Sometimes,you women expect men to do everything to satisfy while you lie back and enjoy.I guess at your age this isn't such an issue as i expect you have a certain level of experience when it comes to sex.

It may also be that you are too sexually challenging for him which may put alot of pressure on him.However,2 yrs is a long time to iron out such issues.I don't know how helpful you've been towards your sex life but sometimes you also need to put in your input.On the other hand he may have a problem you are not aware of.Sometimes it's an issue of self esteem.He may also have a meedical problem you never knew he had.I would suggest you give it "one last kick".Talk to him and see what you can do from your side to improve the situation.If all fails,you and only you have the option of asking him to just be your friend.

Good Luck and Take Care.

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