A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:A little back story before getting into my concerns-I have been married for almost half a year. We are both very much in love and have a great relationship and I'm treated very well. I'm happy! I lost my virginity to my husband, as he's the only one I've had actual penetrative sex with. Though I had been intimate with other people before him. But lately more than ever I keep thinking about past "relationships" I say it like that because these people I'm thinking of we were never serious in any way. And I find my mind going back to these past intimate encounters and replaying it in my head and I stop myself from doing so and recreating fantasies with others in my head. I don't like it and I feel bad for having these thoughts. I wasn't in love with these people, nor do I wish I was with them instead. Even if I did, I very much know I would be unhappy with any of those relationships had it gotten more serious. So I'm wondering if that has happened to anyone else? Or can help me figure out why these thoughts keep torturing me. I also haven't had any contact for years with anyone that keeps popping into my head like this. 1 thing that I thought of before I got married was that I should have "done more things" like I should have done that thing with that guy, why didn't I. And blah blah blah. And I don't know if this could be related, but our sex life leaves me unsatisfied. Granted I don't have much to compare it to. I just feel unsatisfied. And he's not selfish in bed at all, he is willing to do whatever he can to make me happy. I just don't know why I feel this way. Any advice or personal similar stories would be much appreciated!Thanks!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 It sounds to me like you are not satisfied in your relationship and that is why you are thinking off other people. You both need to juggle things up in the bedroom. Explore each other and try new things. See what works for you. Both learn new things together. You may not be satisfied at the moment but you can change things up.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 May 2017):
 I was going to ask you the same question as Uncle Wise... How do you have the time to think of all this? Are you working? What does your husband do for a living? After you alone at home for most of the day?
You seem to have a LOT of time on your hands to think of things that don't matter in the least. You don't even know what you want... You didn't want those past relationships to become serious ones, you have a husband who's doing everything that he can to make you happy and yet you're sitting and cribbing. It's like you are looking for issues to ponder over and to feel miserable about and you've dug this one up.
The problem with you seems to be that you have hot food on your plate, a roof over your head, a husband who keeps you happy and gives you nothing to complain about and so you're bored. If you had something to do where you would be engaged productively then you wouldn't have the time to think of this trash.
Busy yourself, do something that you like doing and get your mind off this rubbish. You're thinking of the past because (a) you're allowing yourself to and (b) because now that you've married, you're feeling that your days of merrymaking are over and you're stuck with your husband for life with no chance of anything else.
There only advice I have for you is to cherish what you have. There are millions of women who would kill to be where you are! Give your husband a chance... You've married they poor guy after all!
Allow yourself to enjoy sex without blocking your mind. Explore each other. Lie in bed naked, hold each other and just talk, laugh, watch a movie, or even sleep. Touch each other, kiss slowly, get to know every inch of his body and let him explore yours. Sex isn't just about the penetration and orgasm. You say that you often think of things that you could have done with guys in the past. You know what, do it with your husband! It will be so much better, trust me! Waking up next to someone who you love and trust and are sharing your life with, is one of the best feelings in the whole world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): When do you have time to do so much day-dreaming? You really need other outlets to occupy and stimulate your mind. Are you working? Your mind seems filled with a lot of trifle; yet you claim o be in-love and happy?!!
There is also the question of expectations. What kind of ideas did you build-up in your imagination about sex? Would could you possibly imagine about other people that you never actually had real sex with? You were awkward and inexperienced at the time, so you never really got much fulfillment of benefit from your earlier experimentation.
You can sometimes romanticize and create far too many magical and wondrous expectations on sex, our relationships, and marriage. Our imaginations invents certain visuals in your mind or we have dreams; but reality is so clear and true, it contradicts all your preconceived-notions. "I thought it would be different from this!"
Sound familiar? Been there, and done that!
Expecting there to be explosive orgasms every time and fireworks to go-off every night. You have to be mature and come down to earth. Life is sometimes like a dream, but sometimes it's ordinary and dull. Even if you did more things before you got married; you may not have been able to afford them, you weren't that ambitious or you would have done them; and if they never occurred to you then, why do you care now?
If it's just about sex, you're just now exiting the honey-moon phase and starting to see some reality.
Sex doesn't always create the same reactions, just having it with someone different won't solve all the puzzles. Cheating is one way people think the resolve inner-conflict about sex. You lie to yourself and say it's better because it's different. Not really. The human form is just like what you see on the medical charts in the doctors office. Girls are built one way, and boys another. Sex starts in the brain; and how you feel is really all in your head!
In all my relationships there are sexual highs and lows. They have all been go0d. My first lasted 28 years, and he passed away. The second, 10 months, and he dumped me. The third; four years, still counting and presently in progress! I'm no expert, I'm just wise; and I know what I'm talking about. Some stuff you got to live to know, books can't feel!
Sometimes I want sex, my partner is too tired; or the other way around. I even might do things I don't really feel like or care to do; to please my partner. That's how it goes. I've been blessed with having good men in my life, and each was very different from the last. They've taught me things.
Sexuality and passion are like the waves and tides. There's a rise and fall, ebb and flow. You look at your partner sometimes and wonder, "just you for now and forever?"
You think back when you're dating, and when you couldn't keep your hands off each-other. You looked at him back then; and you just wanted to wrap around him like an octopus or a python. Then other nights your head will hit the pillow, and all you want is sleep. There's someone reaching over and kissing the back of your neck. Do you say no and hurt his feelings, or just submit? That's reality, hon! After my partner died, love makes you feel like even the bad things were good when we were together.
When the fantasizing and fairy-tales start to overtake your thoughts; remember he is your prince. He's the guy who gave up looking when he found you. Close your eyes and stroke every inch of his body, and realize that it is all yours.
Just be affectionate when you don't really want sex; and you will satisfy something deeper within you that is questioning if you're really happy.
Sometimes it seems to good to be true, you wonder if it can get better, or will it start to decline from this point? Those thoughts are all natural. They are only a problem when you become fixated or obsesses on things that have no value or will not add anything positive to your relationship. Nothing kills relationships like insecurities! Manage them or they will overtake you and ruin your life!
You are a very young bride; so a lot of things are running through your youthful inexperienced-mind. You don't want the bliss and happiness to end; and you'll even devise ways you can sabotage it. That's just a little fear and insecurity.
Fear of the future and the unknown. We all feel it. I still do!
Maturing and facing real-life is scary. Don't be afraid if sex becomes a little "blah" or predictable. You'll discover that even with a different partner, there are going to be some repetitive moves and sensations that don't feel that different. Creativity, passion, and love keeps it going.
You have power and will over your feelings and sensations; and "over-thinking" is usually what causes you to lose your sensitivity and dilutes your passion. You feel unsatisfied because you're wondering if you married too soon? You're hit with those other really big question! If he is going to be the only man you'll be with forever; or did you miss something?
Love will ease these tensions and your second-guessing starts to dissipate when you get the hang of being with a life-partner.
Sweet-heart, nothing takes the place of experience. You have to live and learn. You're feeling what most of us have felt or will continue feeling on and off throughout our relationships. The purpose of these questions help us to discern our feelings and emotions. It prepares us for oncoming challenges and unforeseen obstacles.
Marriage isn't always the extinguisher of dreams. You don't have children yet; so any unmet goals or ambitions you may still have can be fulfilled. Discuss your thoughts with your new husband. Learn to trust him and be open-minded. It will put you at ease and you'll learn some of his thoughts are the same as yours. He's a little scared and confused too.
You'll reinforce your partnership by sharing your feelings; and it helps you to learn to work these things out together. You form a stronger bond through trust; and intimacy sparks up again, because you feel he knows you inside and out. Listening when he shares his thoughts with you, helps you to know him even better than you thought you ever could.
Sometimes we talk at each other, but we're not really listening. We're mostly editing and highlighting the words that we want to hear. We reject our mate's criticism, suggestions, and opinions; because they challenge us. Blocking him out makes him a stranger. Your desire for him will also fade. He'll just be another body lying next to you.
Trust is missing, you're over-thinking, and you're still caught-up in your daydreams. I may have missed the mark completely; but I've sometimes felt what you've described in your post. I hope some of this makes sense to you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2017):
 One thing you need to understand about intimacy and sex is - it's NOT better to have had sex and been with many guys than to have had sex with one person. I can't remember the name of the athlete who answered a question about sports and infidelity, but the subject came up about the 75% cheating rate among pro athletes and the sheer volume of athletes who get into trouble with child support and the dangers of casual sex. The NFL athlete who had been faithfully married to his high school sweetheart who lost their virginity to each other, when asked if he felt like he was missing out on the lifestyle his teammates were experiencing answered "Why? I get just as much sex as they do, and in most cases more! The difference is that I'm with the love of my life, and it just gets better and better!"
Sex is like a complicated dance that takes your entire life to learn. No one is born perfect at it with nothing more to learn or experience. You have a husband who is unselfish and willing to learn! You only get out of your sex life what you put into it, and it starts with getting to know your own body and how it works. The both of you can learn new moves, new techniques, new styles, new places, new words to speak to each other, and your bedroom life can go from some 10-minute put the stick in the hole sex to having an extravagant, imaginative life of its own.
You say that you love him, that he loves you, and you're happy. You weren't in a relationship with any of these past guys, so what you're fantasizing isn't reality. Those fantasies are even better to share with the guy you're with! He's not experienced either, so I guarantee you that if you were to tell him that you want more, and you both were to try out new fantasies, you might just be very pleasantly surprised.
More than 75% of women do not have an orgasm from penetrative intercourse alone, so if you thought that this was supposed to be the end-of-all joy, that's highly doubtful. That takes skill from both of you, and time to learn it. That's like never playing the violin and expecting to know what to do when you pick up a Stradivarius, or sitting in front of a Steinway grand piano and expecting to be Sergei Rachmaninoff in 6 months.
Stop channeling that dissatisfaction into meaningless and corrosive escapism and start channeling it into becoming the unstoppable duo of sexual virtuosos.
You have to be careful with Porn though as an educational tool, as it's not indicative of real sex, but rather voyeurism for the viewer to get off on. There are sexual technique videos from anything from tantric sex to karezza, using toys or edging techniques that will blow both of your minds beyond any fantasy you've ever had. They'll make those past intimate encounters you've had look like romper room and those past partners look like drooling insects in the lovemaking department. One notable exception however - some porn involving oral sex may be useful to you beyond just body parts and fake moaning.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 May 2017):
 Here is the thing OP,
The mind and our ability to fantasize is amazing. We all have a tendency to forget the crappy stuff and remember the happier things - which also means that a sexual or intimate encounter can seem SO much better years later than it actually was.
Having had only one sex partner doesn't mean you are limited in sexual pleasure. It means that YOU need to talk to your husband and TELL (and show) what you REALLY would enjoy. It means that the PERSON you trust the most (your spouse) is the one you can go explore with.
I don't believe that "the more sexual partners" you have had... the better you get at sex. I think it's more of a the better YOU know yourself and your partner - the BETTER the sex has potential to be.
Right now your sex life is stale and boring, but instead of DOING something about it - you rely on fantasies. In the long run that just doesn't work. With women, the LONGER you have crappy sex with your partner the FASTER your libido goes downhill. It will come to a point where you can't even be bothered to have sex because you know it will be a "two pump bump" and leaving you dissatisfied.
So think about it. WHAT would you like your husband to do TO you. What would YOU like to do to HIM. TALK fantasies, act them out (with the use of some common sense, mind you) avoid bringing more people into the relationship - it rarely helps a relationship to add more people.
If you think it could help look at porn. I would suggest you look at porn MADE by women FOR women if you are not into porn. If you are a NO PORN! kind of person (all cool too) there are PLENTY of smut and erotic literature out there that could get your heart racing and "inspire" you to try new things.
And don't forget if you are BORED in bed, at some point your partner will be too. But for now, he might not have a clue that you are not satisfied. So HOW can he improve?
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