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I'm terrified of losing my virginity.

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Teenage, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 October 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 28 February 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year, and everything is going so well. It couldn't be going better except for one thing; I'm a virgin and am still scared of losing my virginity. My boyfriend has been so understanding, and we talked lots about it, and have been really honest with each other. The more I think about it the more I realise that ultimately it is down to me to do it because if I'm too scared or not willing, it will never happen. But I desperately want to, and he has tried several times to penetrate me, but I usually get too scared. We use lube, protection, tried a couple of positions and have plenty of foreplay, but whenever we're about to do it I always chicken out. I know that I want to lose my virginity to him, and otherwise I am ready. I've even been to the doctor and there was nothing else she could suggest. I've talked to friends and family, and we've tried other non penetrative sexual activities, but I now desperately want to go further. Please help!

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A female reader, sarahwolf United Kingdom +, writes (28 February 2010):

hey, i am also a virgin and i am also terrified so i know what your going through, and on times i have wanted to lose my virginity but all my boyfriends have been dickheads really, it is special that you have found a nice guy and you trust him but that is what you have to do, trust him.

if your scared of the pain before you try anything take some paracitamol and musel relaction as i hear that helps the lube also does but it sounds you just get scared at the last minut so why don't you after you put on the condom and lube on then just mess around abit don't try and penatrate straight away just go back to kissing and turning each other on and now you are already prepare just trust him to insert it when you are both relaxed

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A female reader, jaime90 Australia +, writes (24 October 2008):

jaime90 agony auntI think the advice everyone has given you is really good and i just want to add you have a really good guy there to be so understanding.

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A female reader, aunty_rach United Kingdom +, writes (24 October 2008):

i was abit like you before i had sex, the thought of having sex was really scary and i kept putting it off and making excuses untill one day when i thought just do it! so i did and yes it was uncomfortable and i did bleed a little bit, nothing major. a period is far worse! that just shows how little it was. but i felt so good about myself after, it;s like having sex and loosing your virginity really changes you, it makes you more confident. so don't be scared of sex, if you find it hurts the first time you do it, do it for a little while and ask him to stop if it gets too much. you will be fine, the first time is never going to be perfect, but the 2nd time will be amazing and you will feel so close to your bf.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2008):

AskEve agony auntYou are hyping yourself up and worrying about this so much and in turn every time he goes to penetrate you, you are tensing your vaginal muscles, (maybe even without knowing), making it impossible for him to enter you. Let's get back to basics here. The reason we want to be intimate with our partner is to show them just how much we love them and we do this through intercourse, getting so close... "connecting" that we become as one. It is one of the most enjoyable experiences ever, there are no hard set rules and regulations and thousands of women never bleed at all. You won't tear or rip and the blood (if any) is miniscule. The more research you're doing into this the more you FEAR it happening.

FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Think about that sentence, say it out loud... Try it again and set the ambience in the room with candles, soft music, soft lights etc then just ENJOY the time with him, let it happen gradually and naturally, tell him to be very gentle with you then trust him! Look into his eyes and just think how lucky you are to have such a wonderful caring boyfriend. Don't even think about the "okay, here we go, this is it, almost there" type of scenario. Just enjoy the moment together. I promise you, afterwards you will wonder what all the worry was about. ENJOY!!! (winks)

~Eve~

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Again thank you for answer it's really good advice!

A friend did advise me to try going on top, and at first when we began to, it seemed to work a little, with him getting turned on, which in turn turned me on. However, we had to stop then as we were making to mucb noise! However, when we tried doing the same thing again when his family were all away for the week, the fear came back and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Due to circumstances, we haven't tried in a while, and its been preying on my mind as usual, so I think this time I'll try it in the missionary so at least my fear won't get in the way of even some penetration.

I know its terribly idealistic, but I was hoping to make him my first without using anything, but maybe we could try taking it slow with him inserting his finger perhaps.

I think the only thing I really can do is to grin and bear it, and if it doesn't work the next time to just keep trying. I had planned to do that before but things just kept getting in the way or I would make excuses.

Thanks again for your help, lookin at this objectively and talking to people is starting to help me address my attitude!

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A female reader, for_a_reason United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2008):

for_a_reason agony auntThe pain and the blood are usually pretty minimal - nowhere near having your period or injuring yourself, honestly, you'll probably laugh and say 'that was it?'

I'm a person who's terrified of pain and hates to fail so I understand exactly where you're coming from believe me! I was in a similar situation a fair few years ago, and if you'd told back then I'd be giving advice about this sort of thing I'd have laughed.

You really just need to relax and be brave. Plough through and be determined to get through it. Perhaps you should try going on top - that way you're in control, and you might find that it happens easier in that position.

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A female reader, Miss Potter United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2008):

Miss Potter agony auntHm...and which positions have you tried? So when you come close to doing it, you freeze up and just let him to his thing? Maybe a change in roles would be good? he does nothing, maybe even his wrists tied, and you on top? (I am not sure if this is a good idea for virgins) but it makes you feel in control and makes you concentrate on what you are doing rather than what the other person is doing therefore takes your mind off things...

Ah, another thing, maybe you can trying doing it with a small/thin dildo first?? It looks pretty harmless, and should be able to slide in ok?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

First of all thankyou for your answer!

We have tried to set the mood, candles, lights, etc (not music, not really into that, but could use it to mask the noises lol), and we both get turned out. However, when it gets to the point where we get the lube out and he puts the condom on, I freak out. When we tried the first time, I was literally shaking. I'm not quite as bad now, but my mood always changes when we get to this point.

We don't live together, and niether of us have a place of our own, but his parents are pretty liberal, and apparently they've heard us before anyway lol. To be honest I don't think this causes a problem.

The pain however is the most terrifying thing for me. Part of my personality is that I strive to avoid pain more than a normal person would, and am also scared of failure, so the two combined make a bad combination! I know that the pain is worse when you don't relax, but this makes me worse! I am also aware that a lot of girls bleed when they lose their virgininity, and although I've been told it's not a lot, it's another thing for me to have to think about. I have tried to do lots of research on the internet, which I thought would help me as I am always nervous of the unknown as it makes me feel out of control. I also went to swee my doctor, who told me that apart from the measures I was already taking, vaginal dilators were the only thing she could offer me.

Also one last thing, when we do try penetration, I was get the sensation of needing to wee! Is this normal and how do you cope with it lol!

Thankyou so much for help and taking the time to reply

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A female reader, for_a_reason United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2008):

for_a_reason agony auntWhat specifically are you scared of? Pain? It's really not as bad as it's often hyped up to be.

I think the trick is not to think of it as such a big deal - because it really shouldn't be. You need to just relax, calm down and take it slowly - if you stress out and tense up, it won't happen. The truth is, your first time isn't likely to be the best sex you'll ever have and trust me, you're not going miss your virginity once it's gone. I think it's best to just power through it and get it over with - you're obviously ready and want to.

Refuse to chicken out next time, open those legs wide and just do it, you'll be happy that you did, and then the big V will be out of the way and you can start enjoying your sex life.

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A female reader, Miss Potter United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2008):

Miss Potter agony auntWhat is it exactly that you are scared of? The pain? It shouldn't be that bad. How about some romantic music, slowly getting clothes off, having a glass of champagne/wine, lots of kissing and oral on you before he does anything else?

Do you live together? Or do you have a place of your own? When you try to do it, are you alone in the house/flat? Maybe its the external noises that are putting you off, or you are scarred of getting caught?

Seems to me that you just can't relax thats all it is. Dont think of having sex, start off slowly and see where it gets you. I was scared of having anal sex, because I had painful previous experiences. Then my boyfriend got me so turned on, ive asked him for it myself and it didnt hurt that much. Its just you being comfortable enough and relaxing not not pressurising yourself to have it, it will come when it should...

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