A
female
age
36-40,
*rishthedish00
writes:Hello everyone.I am having a huge problem. Please don't jugde me and be mean I'm honestly looking for some good advice. See, me and my bf have been dating 1.5 years. I live with him, his mom, and sister. When we first started dating everything was good. And now...horrible. He has complete control over me 24/7, I haven't been out of the house without him since April 2009. Not even to the convenience store. When he goes out, I have to stay at home, he calls the house randomly to check. And when he does get home, he accuses me of cheating, calls me a slut, whore, worthless, cunt, tramp, hooker, prostitute, every possible name in the book. Literally, I will wake up in the morning the first words I hear are "whore, slut". He calls me these names AT LEAST 50x a day. He doesn't bother to take me anywhere anymore and if he does I have to beg him or give him something in return. Any money I get, he holds on to. He checks my phone and all my messages many times a day, but he has a password on his and NEVER let's me see his. He used tto give his number out to girls, and hide them on his phone under guys etc or lie to me about it. Or delete the messages b4 I find them. But he swears he hasn't cheated on me. And sorry to offend some, but I have to give him oral sex almost every single day or he says "well u can do it for other guys like a slut but u can't do it for ur own bf" he lays a guilt trip or bribes me with something to do it. And if I don't he gets mad. I'm not allowed to have friends, or talk to anyone especially guys of any kind whether they are 6 or 60 it doesn't matter. I can't even defend myself when he calls me names, I have to sit there quiet or else he'll take something away from me (eg- if we were going to go out, hed say "that's it ur staying home and I'm going out" and he will. So pretty much I gotta sit there and take his abuse or he punishes me like I'm 6. And when it comes to sex, he only cares about pleasuring himself. When he is hurting me during sex and I'm practically crying and telling him "it hurts", he'll pull my hair and tell me to "shut the fuck up" and he won't stop. He has everything controlled of mine. I can't leave him I have nowhere to go! I have NO friends or family in my city, only 13 hrs away. I don't even have a job he won't let me, so that means no money. Please help. What do I do?? I love him and I want him to change! But I know he won't. he is emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive and I don't know what to do!!! I always thought I'd never end up like this I'd leave the person so fast! But actually being IN the situation is different, its easier said than done! But I don't want my life cut short because he's crazy. What do you think???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Call me crazy OP but 38 days in jail sounds like your out.
Okay bear with me here for a moment. You have two warrants out on you, they won't go away. You have a partner that is destroying you, he also won't go away.
You have to face both these problems at some point in your life why not kill two birds with one stone? You're already a prisoner and while jail isn't exactly a picnic there's no one in there that can give you the kind of hell he's currently putting you through. Plus you'll have access to counseling, support and will have the time and resources at your disposal to begin to build a new life for yourself.
You won't have to drag yourself out either because the cops will do it for you.
Okay I know that's not exactly feasible but hey it's an idea.
The alternative is to do what you must to prepare yourself to go, physically going to the bus station is easy, you grab a bag and you walk, simple. The emotional and mental part is something that has to be done in tiny steps, it takes a bit of time and research but you have to find your closest domestic abuse shelter. Give them a call, get advice from local professionals. You have to be quite sneaky about all of this, you have to plan and you have to be precise. Make a mental list of all the things you'll need that would fit in one or two bags that you could carry, only things that are important to you. List times when you could sneak out and make a break for it. Organize with the shelter a place to stay.
This might seem over the top to some, that you should just grab the bag now and go, but it's not that simple. This process will prepare you mentally, having a set goal will allow you to focus your mind on the task.
Once you've covered all the angles and prepared, set a date to go. Set the best time to do it and start counting the days. Familiarize yourself with where everything is, so you can grab it all quickly. Make no physical preparations, don't move things or pack a bag, don't make any written lists basically make sure there is absolutely no evidence of what your planning for him to find. Do some online research, go to google maps and checks the fastest routes, bus routes, etc to the shelter. Browse domestic violence websites, read testimonials from women in your position and how they escaped. Truly, make this the sole goal and focus of your life because at the moment nothing else matters.
If he has access to the same computer you use to both browse here and look up domestic violence etc. make sure you delete those entries from the history, don't just delete the entire history (like many porn addicted partners will tell you that only arouses suspicion)
Use your own phone to contact shelters and delete only those entries from the logs on your phone, create a new email address for correspondence with them.
Most importantly remember you owe him nothing, no explanation, no talking, no warning, nothing. He has to be removed from your life completely, he is a cancer that will eventually consume you.
A
female
reader, trishthedish00 +, writes (15 July 2010):
trishthedish00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd as well, his mother and sister both do not agree at all with what he does to me. They both yell at him, hit him back when he hits me etc but he just does the same to them. He'll push them back or yell at them. Or break stuff. And see I can't call the police because I have 2 warrants for unpaid parking tickets (3800 dollars) and I can't pay it because he won't let me work so if I call the police on him he will have me arrested and I will go to jail for 38 days (3800=38 days in jail if you can't pay)
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A
female
reader, trishthedish00 +, writes (15 July 2010):
trishthedish00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow...that advice hit me hard but in a very good way. Reality has sunk in. Thank you. I always swore I'd never be in this situation (as I've seen friends in the same) and now that I'm in it myself it seems totally different. I know exactly what I need to do, but its actually physically getting myself to go that's the problem. I don't have ANY family (mom died, no sisters brothers grandparents aunts uncles nothing) I have my dad but he has coronary heart disease and he's not financially well off. He can afford himself and that's it. How do I physically GET myself to that airport or bus station to go. I feel ill need to be dragged out because I can't bring myself to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): If you really loved him, you wouldn't be asking these questions. If he was living with your family and not the other way, I could see a problem getting rid of him. But since it's vice versa, get out of there immediately.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): *Warning if you are easily offended please don't read this*
"See the thing is I do love him a lot" Why are you complaining then? You know what you have to do to end this but you won't because you "love him".
You know the solution to your problems but you won't follow through. You're only trapped by yourself, he can't physically keep you there if you want to leave and if you truly wanted to leave you would have and no it's not easier said than done, it's a lot harder to live the life you are living now than it is to break the cycle.
He's not going to change, you know this, you've been around long enough and no doubt had a lot of time to put thought into this that you know HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Yet you still insist on staying.
All of the above is designed not to judge or upset you and I'm not putting you down, it's the truth and while all the other aunts feel the need to show empathy, pity and compassion, soft with their words and walking on eggshells.
I feel that is pointless because they're not telling you anything you don't already know and feeling sorry for yourself hasn't worked for you so far, so I don't see any point in feeding that. You know your situation, you know how to fix it in your mind, you have chosen to live this way and it seems to me you're willing to continue living this way in the hopes that he will change, when you know he won't because you 'love him'.
You say you don't know what to do, yet you know full well what to do, perhaps you just don't know how, well here's how you do it:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
13 hours away doesn't constitute nowhere to go, surely there are buses or a family member that will pick you up.
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/canada1.html#Nfld
Here's a list of places you can contact for professional advice on the matter and how you can break the cycle.
I have to stress though all of this is absolutely useless unless you choose to leave, choosing to leave and setting all your mind, your focus and attention onto the idea of leaving is the most important step, once you have done this then it's a long slow process but each little step you take in preparation to leave will give you strength and confidence. Just take the the first step and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (14 July 2010):
 No I don't think he is but I think he wants YOU to think that he is so that he feel like a cool ladies man and so that you stroke his ego by showing that you are jealous. This is another way of controlling you. See what happens when you don't act like you care and put on a smile and wish him a fab time next time he goes out. I also don't believe that you love him............what you are feeling is dependency , he's made you feel like you can't live without him cause that's how controlling men keep women from leaving them. Prove him wrong hun by taking control of your own life!
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A
male
reader, andre23  +, writes (14 July 2010):
If you love him that much and are willing to sacrifice your self respect and financial and social freedom then stay with him and be quiet. If you find the strength inside you and want better than that in your life then leave, but youre the once who has to make the decision, because its your life
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A
female
reader, trishthedish00 +, writes (14 July 2010):
trishthedish00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee the thing is I do love him a lot. I'm not sure why though. I don't love 99% of the things he does. I just want him to change. Do you think he's cheated/ing on me? He says no swears up and down, but then why does he hide things? I JUST found a text msg on his phone now from one of his friends 2 nites ago saying "there's no hot chicks here so u can bring trish if u want" (that's me!) Umm? Also, I actually have left him before but came back. I HAD my out but its my love that brought me back.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (14 July 2010):
Sweetie, I understand how you feel............it WILL be ok in the end.........be strong. People who have control issues do so because they have self esteem issues. In a weird twisted way he is actually afraid of losing you so he keeps you chained down cause that makes him feel safe. You need to speak to someone who can intervene, not only does he abuse you emotionally but he also abuses you physically( you said he hurts you during sex)You need to plan an exit, one day when you know he'll be out for a long time pack up all your essentials( leave the crap behind cause it's replaceable)and go somewhere safe like a church or a police station until a family member can pick you up and disappear out of his life completely. You are a sweet and beautiful girl and you know you deserve better. You know this is not the love of your life and you do not want to spend the rest of your life with a man that treats you like this so end it now before it gets worse and he really hurts you one day. You know what you need to do!!
My heart goes out to you hun...............HUGS!!!
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A
male
reader, andre23 +, writes (14 July 2010):
You poor thing. I think you should plan your getaway, save some money and get on a taxi or train and go to your family. If he really loved you he wouldnt treat you like that, its really your choice cause its your life. If you want to live the rest of your life like that then go ahead and stay with him. He wont change just like that and even if he does he is not worth it, in my opinion you need to go to your family and live with people that really care about u and treat u right, get a job, maybe go to school and move on with your life, nobody deserves to be treated like you are...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is an abusive relationship. Get out immediately. Emotional abuse almost always turns into physical abuse. If you're scared of what he might do if you break up with him, ask someone to back you up in some capacity. And if he lays a finger on you when you tell him, call the police.
No one deserves to be in a situation like this one. You don't deserve to be called names or monitored like a child.
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