A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Thanks for taking the time to read my question.Basically, my issue is to do with jealousy. At the moment I'm in a FWB with a girl, we've been on this arrangement for about 7 months. Through this time we've had a few bad patches where we argued and didn't speak for about a week or two. The first because I slept with someone else and she didn't like it, but we got back into it as I said that we never laid down any rules saying we didn't still have freedom to do what we wanted.We fell out again and didn't speak for about another 2 weeks. I slept with someone else in this period and got chatting to other girls before we found our way back to each other again.She has told me she hasn't slept with anyone else since me (she's slept with 4 people Inc me), which I believe as she's very image conscious and worries what people think of her so I really can't see her lying about it.During one of the times we weren't speaking she hooked up with a guy on a night out, they went back to hers and she said nothing happened, one of my beat mates is good friends with this guy and he backed the story up saying he couldn't get hard through drugs. So the implication of what was going to happen was there and we argued about it but she said 'she didn't want anything to happen anyways' which I thought was pretty bs - I've also never been taken back to her house, although her parents do know about me, so it's not like I'm being kept secret. I noticed earlier today that she had been liking his pics on instagram, shirtless pics, so it's pretty obvious why they're being liked. And they were like 6 and 12 weeks ago. So still very recently to when we've been going good together.I also know she still speaks to this guy, I've seen his name come up on her phone when she's been at my house. No matter what I just can't seem to shake this jealously. Whenever she's out and I'm not I'm wondering what she's up to, even when she usually rings me at the end of most nights out (she usually gets into really bad states).I know we're not together but I don't want to be meeting someone who thinks it's okay to chat to and be liking other people's pics when SHE was the one who wasn't happy with other people in the equation, so we decided to keep it exclusive.Even recently she has been at my house where we've just chilled and not even slept together, which I think is a little odd for fwb? She got a little pissed with me also the other week when I lied to her when I was drunk, so it's a little confusing. We've been going well though since or last big fall out.Anything you guys can suggest to work on this jealously issue ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 FWB is FRIENDS with benefits so YEAH friends hang out without having sex... so the F part is there.
FWB do not have any say in anything the other is doing. That's the whole point... Boyfriends and girlfriends argue. FWB do not.
As for Jealousy being territorial... NOPE... Jealousy is an emotion rooted totally in insecurity.
Methinks you like her more than you are admitting even to yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): It may be territorial, but it also may be that you care. Everyone argues, relationships are not easy, it's work, but people atone point start looking for someone, because they get older and to not have a mate is a very sad state.
What you said about having regular sex and hang out with someone when you are bored. See, this attitude a bit sucks. It sounds like you are using another person for your gratification, it's all about you. It's not like you enjoying another company, but you call sher up when you are horny or you have nothing better to do.
She said about bein a good company to you even if you don't have sex because she wants to be treated like a interesting fun to be human being, not just a commodity to be used for sex only.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 FWBs mean you don't have to argue? Five years ago I was in one and we attempted a real relationship. We had gone through shut down periods like you did. Maybe you feel like you can't argue in FWBs but if you felt like that was necessary it would have happened instead of just running away from it. When we got real we did have arguments that stemmed from needs not being met, and there were trust issues. On the surface it would seem like i was carefree and enjoying life but at the same time I was suppressing my real needs.
While I can't paint every guy as the same, non committal and having inner turmoil because of past issues but if you want a real relationship, both of you need to make an effort to make each other happy. FWBs do not exempt you from the same things that you need in a real relationship.
Men always assume women in FWBs can't stay faithful. The women who initially care about image would start to look at other men not because they are inclined to be promiscuous but rather, to even the score, or to scatter attention to different people so they don't get too attached to you.
So it's futile trying to play this game while wanting the same things as you want in real relationship but not ready to put in effort as required in them. Real men can handle a woman's strong emotions and be her hero. Unless the woman is being a drama queen and too irrational.
I would never ever be in a FWB situation because I know I would always want more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's weird because everything was going good until I saw this. I knew they still spoke but for some reason seeing that just really pissed me off. Felt like I didn't even want to speak to her after I saw it. Sounds stupid I know.
She split up with a long term bf when we started meeting and I still don't think she's ready for a relationship. I think I'm a little confused to what I want. I'm happy with having regular sex and someone to hang out with when I'm bored, but also at times which it was more serious. But then ill see my mates arguing with their gf and think thank god I don't have to deal with anything like that.
I'm really not sure what triggers this for me but it must be something along the lines of being territorial, because that's what jealously is right?
She was at my house on Friday and slept over and we didn't sleep together because of the time of the month and the next day she was like are you mad? I said of course not how can that be helped? And she said well my company is that good anyway I can make you have a good time without it - Makes me wonder when she says things like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): Casual sex is very hard to keep up for a long time. It's a lot of work, and basically what it requires is a total lack of emotions, which we humans have plenty. Guys usually succeed of doing longer than girls, but still it depends on a guy. What you are describing is that you guys are not really FWB anymore but more boyfriend and girfriend. She gets gelous, and you go along with it and stop sleeping with other women. That's already for you not FWB. Otherwise you would continue dating others despite of her jealousy. With FWB there is no exclusivity under no circumstances. It's a form of relationship that alowed both parties to do what they want in regard to sex and sexual partners. Usually it works very well for guys, because women have a tendency get attached to the person they have sex with and develop feelings. That's why I could never understand this. You guys need to figure out what is it you are doing. You are right, it makes no sense when she can full around, and you can't in your situation.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 April 2015):
People can get jealous even if they are not together. You are attached to her, but as far as feelings you need to have a deep respect for that person. Which I don't think you do with this girl. I guess what you have is territorial feelings, the feeling of wanting your girl to be only yours.
I've done FWB before. All that cuddling, watching movies together, line blurring stuff. They were all done as a way to make the other person attached to you so they won't look for anyone else. It's about possessiveness and it's not genuine. Talk about restricting freedom without the real benefits that come from a true relationship.
If you don't want to feel jealous then perhaps you shouldn't look for things to get jealous about, such as looking at her instagram? Don't ask don't tell policy? FWBs are not supposed to be exclusive but some have managed to be exclusive for years. I knew some had lied about it though. If people can stay true to each other even in FWBs then why not try real relationships?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 April 2015):
 I think you two should just cut it out. And not see each other any more - you are (what from what you write) not interested in a GF, but sex. However, you don't want your casual sex partner to be interested in other guys.
I would have to say fair is fair. IF you can not have sex with others NEITHER can she, but liking pictures on Instagram? Are you serious? How is that ANY OF YOUR business as her F-buddy?
FWB don't fight over little petty things. It's supposed to be drama free.
Maybe either DATE a girl or STICK to a strict casual relationship?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): Oh I've lost count of the number of times I've heard that 'FWB' has got complicated. If you have developed feelings for each other then perhaps you need to re-evaluate the nature of the relationship? Perhaps you now have feelings for her, hence the jealousy? I hope you work it out for both of you so that nobody gets hurt. Just be honest with each other about what you want and what you feel. Are you usually the jealous type? If so, what triggers it? You know yourself best. It sounds quite nice by the way that you are able to spend time together which is not just about sex! Good luck
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (12 April 2015):
 People get into these arrangements because they think it's more straight forward and easier for both parties, but the truth is it's anything but straight forward. It blurs the lines and creates a lot of uncertainties.
My advice is, if you've already agreed to be exclusive then why not put the finishing touch on it by being officially boyfriend & girlfriend? You're already acting like it anyway. Is there anything stopping you from doing that?
If she's not agreeable then you might want to reconsider this façade of 'friends with benefits' and cut ties with one another completely. Neither one of you are truly prepared to live up to it. You've already fought about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): It sounds as though you have feelings for her? FWB can be a bit dangerous because one or the other can end up having feelings, or both could, in which case that's fine as it shifts from FWB to something else. Maybe think about what you feel and what you want. Jealously can sometimes arise from ego etc but also from feelings. If you are the jealous type for either of those reasons perhaps an FWB situation is not with you. I've heard of so many cases that start of as FWB and end up getting more complicated. FWB as far as I know is not supposed to be exclusive so I guess the only reason you should be asking about other people would be for health reasons? Hope this helps.
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