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I’m still sad and upset by how I was treated in primary school!

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Question - (10 July 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 12 July 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I was always left out in my friendship group at school and this was years ago now but it always upsets me , I look back and think they probably didn't even know they were leaving me out or did not know I was upset as we were all young and at primary school and I often think in a group of friends the personalities of each person is different and like in most group you get the popular ones and the least favourite in this case it was me . in the leavers book they did not mention me as a friend and I was so upset I remember how it felt when I was upset , I was confused the most as I could not understand why the didn't mention me especially as I had been to there houses ,they had been to mine , had sleepovers , had parties together , got them presents and they got me presents for my birthday and have photos with them . as I started secondary I thought maybe I would become close to one of them and I thought it was a fresh new start but this did not happen they made new friends and I did not speak to them anymore I hoped i would but by this point I did not know what to talk about with them if I saw them at school and since reading the leavers book I assumed they simply did not see me as a friend at all , forgot to mention me or didn't like me . when I look back at primary school memories I feel so sad I know I just want to cry , its the confusion that makes me sad the most and the fact I did not ask any of them why they hadn't mention me , I also wonder whether they are still the same but I will never now . how can I not feel so sad when looking at photos from primary , should I just accept that my name was not in their friendship list in the leavers book what are other ways of accepting this and not feeling so sad and hurt

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (12 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to stop looking at your primary school photos and focus on the past. All you are going to do is keep feeling sad if you think back to them. You where all children and children can be cruel and they might do or say things to each other that hurts. Children have not fully growing up so they are still learning.

You are an adult now and if you focus on things from your primary school you are just going to remain feeling sad. I can honestly say look forward and not back. Make new friends and start new adventures now as an adult.

I have been in your shoes. I was kicked, hit, beat up, spat on and called names because I have red hair. I did not have one friend in primary school. When it came to P.E I didn't get to take part because neither team wanted me so the teacher just left me alone sitting on the bench not taking part. When I went to Secondary school I tried to move on, but the few that went to primary school with me continued the same treatment. They used to eat there lunch in the bathroom and lock the door so I would be sitting out on my own at lunch breaks. They went the extra mile to make me feel alone. But after the first year I made new friends, and as we all grew older and matured the closer we got and the more we let things go.

I don't sit feeling sorry for myself now or get mad that I did not have one friend in primary school. What is the point? Nothing will change that now, I simply just put a line under it and live my life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018):

I feel sad reading your post, as it reminds me of my own experience in grade school and high school. Yes, the memories sting, and always will to some extent. But, at the same time, in the grand scheme of things it is a minor thing to go wrong, not a tragedy like losing a parent, sibling, suffering from a terrible illness, etc. And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you will most certainly go through more painful experiences than some mean girls in primary & high school. YOu will likely have your heart broken a few times, have medical problems, face the loss of a parent, etc. in the future. I'm not trying to lecture you, but keep things in perspective that life isn't supposed to be all happy and roses. We have to find ways to focus on the good. Many people also do go through being bullied in the early years- maybe you will meet people who can relate to this later on.

People are flawed, and many many are mean and superficial. Perhaps these girls were jealous, or simply unaware, superficial, thoughtless. We don't really know their motivations, only that they left you out, and that hurts. I think that evidently you have some deep insecurities and perhaps doubts about your ability to make a strong group of friends. Let me assure you that life beyond high school is better, and I know you can find your people if you continue to look, and not lose hope. Friends can come in the form of quirky, nerdy, seemingly boring but really exciting, etc. I believe you are a good person who needs to realize that you have value, and you shouldn't be lonely. Maybe join some meetup groups in your area (Meetup online is in most cities). Join a book club. Focus on friends in the here and now. I think by focusing on past exclusions, you are tempted to believe there is something wrong with you preventing you from going forward and making new friends. There is not. You need to go bravely forward and put yourself out there. Best of luck,

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 July 2018):

You are living in the past, feeling sorry for yourself, and offering other people too much power over your feelings.

You are under 21, and have at least another 65 years of life to go. Are you going to spend all your precious youth and energy miserable over some stupid bunch of kids who have long since moved on with their lives?

People don't always feel what you want and expect them to feel. You have to enjoy life on your own terms, and in your own way. Human beings have flaws, make mistakes, and even God will forgive us.

You're sulking over a leavers book. They're out there getting their education, pursuing careers, finding romance, and having fun; happy just being young and healthy!

My dear, there are far too many of you young people wasting all that good youth on worry, self-loathing, and self-pity.

Maybe in the future, they will invent technology that will allow people to sell or give their youth away; if they're not happy with it. There would be a lot of wealthy old people who would love to be young and start life all over again, no matter how bad it was!

Now you know how shallow and stupid they really are. You're sensitive, loyal, gentle, and appreciative of friendship. You have all the attributes that will carry you far in life; if you'd let go of the past, and just keep moving forward.

Gentle-souls like you place a lot of value on the right things; but sometimes other people don't.

You can't allow a few knuckleheads to kill that light inside you; because people are not all alike. They did enjoy being with you, maybe you're not mentioned in that stupid book; but you're etched in their memory-book of good-times.

It's more important how you influence people in a positive way, and what you give; that is unique and enriches others. Sometimes they don't reward you for it. They forget, or they just take you for granted. Welcome to the real-world, sweetie!

The reality is, not everyone is like those brats from the past. You'll come-up in conversation and chats about the old-times more often than you will ever know. You contributed to their happy days; they just didn't write it in a book. It could come-out in a best-selling novel, you'll never know. You could be the writer!

It's time to out-grow these petty things. They were just dumb kids! They were inconsiderate, but you've got to let go and move on. It's a shame you're wasting your precious time like this. Seriously?!!

You are now in the present, and can pick and choose friends based on your own list of criteria. You will always have to select from the crop of good and evil, check for quality, and may have to toss some back!

There is a large enough supply and population of people to sort through. If you're suspended in the past, and full of bitterness; you can't enjoy life. You've given everything away to other people to let them flounder and abuse it.

You have all the power in the world to move forward, set your own standards, and live life according to your own talent and abilities.

Now it's on to college, and you can make all the new friends and lovers you want. You can keep a diary of all your good-times. If they've forgotten, you don't have to.

Forget them! Who cares if they've forgotten you? They're not worth all the trouble and suffering you've put yourself through. It's not entirely their fault. They didn't force you to cling to the past. That's your choice.

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