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I'm still friends with an ex and my new girlfriend gets jealous!

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 August 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 14 August 2017)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I've been with my new girlfriend for six month's, my ex am still friends with,she babysits my granddaughter, if she needs help I help her like today, I have a pickup, she bought a big snowblower, so I pick it up for her, I help other friends too, my new girlfriend gets jealous,we are only friends, I've told her there ex's am friends with, and ex's am not friends with, we are always together, my ex is like one of the guys, I've told her, her ex's or guy friends I don't get jealous about, some ex's are only in your life for a short time, some stay friends for life, to me that is being grown up, what do you girls think of my situation, thanks,I meant my new girlfriend an I are always together

View related questions: her ex, jealous, my ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2017):

Change places with her.

How would you LIKE it if she was this close to her EX BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND? Doing the exact same things you are doing with your EX? And trying to justify it all to her?

Would you believe any of her excuses to keep HIM around?

Would you LIKE it?


There is your answer.

Ps. MORE people need to practice EMPATHY!

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (14 August 2017):

judgedick agony auntThis has nothing to do with ex's but has all to do with feeling loved,

YOU need to make her feel loved and I am keeping it in mind that your only together six months,

If she is the jealous type and thinks she has the right to tell you who you can be friends with she will become an ex and you will be better off,

if your ex is too close to you and ruining your chance of finding a love you will have to work that one out for yourself to see if she is really a friend,

I think your ex has not fully moved on and you use each other for things that you could find other people better suited to do things for you, like could you not find someone better than your ex to babysit your grandchild,

why have you so many ex-GF is it because you have failed to show the one you're with that they are important to you, do you go that extra mile to make them feel special, Instead of looking for the fault in her look and see if the fault is in fact with you,

you need to work out if you want to be put on your headstone " here lies my beloved man that loved me greatly" or " here is JACK once a lover of many exes"

This is what I would have answered you if you wanted to know a man's view

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (14 August 2017):

I'd give you my advice but you only want advice from girls so never mind

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2017):

What do we 'girls' think? Interesting choice of word there, from a person who also says he's being 'grown up'. I think you are in a world of your own. You see a 'woman' sees this nonsense for what it is- I suspect your partner does and so does your ex... the simple answer is no, normal people don't think this is being grown up- far from it. It's being selfish and egotistical, you love it. If you didn't you would boundary up this relationship and keep the ex at arms length. I think you actually need to grow up- oh the irony!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (13 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntHow would you feel if your current girlfriend needed a delivery of something, or something to fix around the house, or tired changed on her car, and instead of calling YOU, she called an ex-boyfriend? He'd come over, do the chore, and then he would sit in her house and they'd spend a few hours together, sharing a coffee, or a glass of wine, or a beer, or she might cook him a "thank you" meal for doing that chore for him. They'd spend a few hours together, just the two of them, at their house.

If you're telling me that that wouldn't injure your pride that she considered another man over you, showering HIM with caretaker gratitude and carrying on what amounts to an emotional affair, then you, sir, are a liar. Your ego is overweaning as it is if you have to white knight for an ex, that if your current girlfriend were to pass you by to call an ex over to help her out and then to hang out at her house, you'd be outraged! You'd be pretending that you weren't jealous while at the same time going mad over how long it has to take for him to change a damn tire and wondering if she changed his oil after that in gratitude!

You can't pull the wool over our eyes, OP.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 August 2017):

If your ex is a true friend, she'll understand that old-ways and routines must change. She should be able to put herself in your girlfriend's shoes; knowing how she'd feel, if her new man and his ex-girlfriend are closer than they are. When they themselves were once an item.

She keeps her foot in the door by establishing a close relationship with your grandchild. The fixed family-connection trumps being the new-girl on the block. It gives her VIP-status. Your new girlfriend has to establish these connections that she can easily sabotage, being an insider.

If that's isn't a woman scheming and locking herself into your life, I don't know what is. Maybe you have some guilt you've got to resolve from the past; but when you start a new relationship; you've got to do it with a clean-slate. Respect your girlfriend's feelings. She's right.

She could find herself someone minus the "ex"-factor.

You're dealing with two women who have deep connections to you. If you think no jealousy stirs in your "ex" when she sees you with possibly a younger, maybe more attractive woman; it's almost like rubbing her nose in it. It's not as simple as jealousy or insecurity, it's the principle. The other woman had her chance, this is starting new.

If you don't understand why your girlfriend is jealous after what you've described about you and your ex; you're either selfish, or you don't know a thing about women.

Well, I can tell you this. What you don't know about women, they won't hesitate to teach you. Some will fight for you; but you had better be damned-well worth it; or they will bring you to your knees for breaking their hearts.

Exes and new-lovers don't mix. Your ex practically behaves as if she's your wife. Friend, my eye! She's got her credentials and merit-badges in-place.

These two women have to be on opposite-sides of the boundary-lines, if you want to keep your new girlfriend.

Don't let me get a hold of your new girlfriend; or I would educate her like you wouldn't believe about exes!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree.

You need to consider your new GF's feelings whether you AGREE with them or not.

Have you INTRODUCED the new GF to the old ex-gf? If not... why not? it might lessen the drama.

And you need to consider that you running around being your ex-GF's knight in shiny tinfoil is NOT really appropriate. That the ex-GF babysits for your grandchild is between HER and your "child".

I think it's quite possible to be friends with an ex-partner but you HAVE to also respect your partner.

I say introduce them to each other (in person) and see if it help, if not... then YOU have to make a choice.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (13 August 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntI think your EGO must really be intact if you don’t get jealous about her Ex’s or guy friends. It’s a very rare quality for a man indeed. Personally I can relate to you up to a point.

As for helping an Ex you are not Dial-an-Ex delivery boy as your attention is drawn away to provide and maintain harmony between you and the present GF. Obviously there’s an issue that no amount of being together compensates your eagerness to help the EX(s).

Perhaps you need an alternative liberal thinking Gf who’s more tolerate and secure in herself if you don’t wish or cannot devote 100+% of your emotional energy into one person. It’s just not fair to have this hanging over the head of a new relationship, as it will test the boundaries that would not be an issue under regular circumstances.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (13 August 2017):

mystiquek agony auntWiseowl summed it up perfectly as did Youwish. Short and sweet? Your new girlfriend will soon become your Ex girlfriend if things continue as they are. Most lsdies wouldnt be comfortable sharing you with your ex, innocent or not. I am one of those ladies. to be honest, I wonder if your ex's intentions are so innocent. Afraid you need to figure out whose company you want more because your girlfriend won't tolerate things for long. I know I wouldn't.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 August 2017):

A new relationship shouldn't have to endure the "chummy-ex" who spends a lot of time in-contact, or appearing in-person. Always needing or ready to do a favor, always calling or texting any hour of the day; and forever present at each and every social-event, or family-gathering.

It is totally unacceptable and unfair to make your newly- committed partner feel she has to compete with the everlasting-presence of a former ex-girlfriend who does everything in the world for you (and vice versa) that really is hers to do as your new girlfriend.

You don't see it, or don't want to see it; but all that extra stuff above and beyond the call of duty, is for more than feelings for a friend.

Women aren't stupid. They are quite intuitive, and see through other women when we men are too stupid to do so. Whether that stupidity is real, or pretended; they can see through you too. All based on how you interact and your general demeanor around these "so-called only-friends," aka exes. When moving on to new relationships; exes should be out of the way. Neither seen nor heard. Voluntarily on the one hand, and you set the boundaries on the other.

It's quite convenient for you to take advantage of all her eagerness to please. Being so willing and able to respond at her beck and call. She will tire of your explanations and excuses of why you have to do this and that, for an ex girlfriend. She will not see the "ex" in it; if the former squeeze gets equal time and attention. You're old enough to know better, by the way. You're no teenager or 20-something.

You may have other friends, but you didn't sleep with the others. You don't have a romantic-history with the others, and what they do for you is strictly platonic. Her love, loyalty, and devotion comes from a different place.

Woman can love so deeply, they will silently suffer and pretend friendship; if it keeps you together. Men are not so quick to allow another man to take his place. He'd rather just give-up. The resentment alone gives him the strength to just leave and find somebody else. If your ex is still single, and has no romantic-interests of her own; she's still clinging to you and your past. Whether you see that or not.

You may not get jealous of your new girlfriend's ex boy-friends; but that would depend on how much they make their presence known, and how close they are. You're also willing to negotiate under the terms you get to keep your favorite ex. Considering she's new, and the ex has been around longer.

A friend automatically steps out of the way and gives-way to your romantic-partner out of respect for the relationship. Knowing that connection runs on a different plane. If they're constantly calling, always present, and playing the third-wheel. They are jealous and interfering. You have no right to place your new girlfriend in the position of allowing for this past relationship to outshine the one she is trying to cultivate with you.

Exes are exes for a reason. Lingering feelings are not always openly admitted, but actions speak louder than words.

Exes will also choose sides; and that my friend, can cause a serious schism between two females that will ripple throughout your relationship. Your girlfriend will dump you hard and cold. With good reason. She won't stand for it.

If you want to keep this new girlfriend, you better put some distance between you and the ex; who is attempting to establish her territory, and show her just how equally important she is in your life. If you don't see it, your girlfriend will. If she was the reader who posted her feelings about it; I would advise her to keep an eye on it, and if it's just too friendly for comfort. She should dump you.

You have to make a choice. Your new relationship, or the one from the past. Your old one is going to have to cool it. She does way too much and has too strong of a presence in your life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

I can completely understand how your girlfriend feels. While I think it is fine to be on friendly terms with an ex, this woman is still very much involved in your life.

I would not want to date a man who stayed that close to an ex. I'd feel like I was sharing my boyfriend with another woman (which basically she is).

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (12 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntI think that you won't find too many women who would accept that you are a "white knight" to an ex-girlfriend, and this ex-girlfriend should have a new guy who does things for her and not you.

You *say* that you'd be fine with your girlfriend remaining close to an ex-boyfriend, but I think you're lying to her and yourself if she had an ex that if he called, she would drop everything and run over to his house to help. Everyone would say that she wasn't over her ex, and everyone would likewise say that you aren't over your ex-girlfriend either.

Your current girlfriend will be making a choice on whether to be okay with you having an ex that you're still close and emotionally intimate with, or to leave and find a guy who leaves the past in the past. You've already cast the die in that if your current girlfriend were NOT okay with you going over to your ex's house upon her beck and call, that you'd choose your ex over her.

Sorry, but I've been on this board way too long to be naive to think that either you, your ex, or both want to get back with you. It might not be you, but it might be her! She has family and other friends to be a damsel in distress with. She doesn't need you.

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