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I'm starting to think I am unlovable :-(

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 15 February 2018)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I don’t know why it never works out for me. Every time I think it’s going to work out with a guy it ends up just being another dead end...

My last actual relationship was a year ago with a guy I’m still in love with (and who apparently still has feelings for me). I showed him love profusely and he broke up with me because he’s afraid of commitment. Ever since then I’ve felt like I’m just unlovable. Whenever I think it’s going somewhere with a guy he starts to only show interest in me for sex or he just never texts me... like for example yesterday I had a great date with a guy and we got along really well but he hasn’t contacted me at all since...is it me being paranoid or is there actually reason for concern? I’m not ugly, I have good hygeine, I’m interesting, funny, and a good listener, and I’m not annoying, when I’m with guys they seem to be genuinely happy and then they just never hit me up...I dunno what I’m doing wrong because I start to genuinely develop feelings and care for guys and in the end I always end up hurt.

View related questions: broke up, text

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom + , writes (15 February 2018):

Starlights agony auntYour giving your love to the wrong guys AND You are loveable! but not every guy you show your love too will appreciate that love and thats their loss for being blind. Dont ever pin your happiness or self worth on a guy. When the right guy shows up he will not run after you just for sex or ever make you question yourself. You need to just go easy on this topic and dont be hard on yourself for meeting guys who are unsuitable.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think it's you, OP

It might BE the kind of guy who is hitting on you or the kind of guy YOU seek out. We all have some preferences but at times we DO NOT stick to what we want, we settle for "miss matched" partners because we think we can make things work regardless!

You are SO young, you actually have TIME on your side.

My advice? TRY not to invest TOO much TOO soon. You said you had a great date yesterday but he hasn't contacted you back yet AFTER the date. OK. CHILL. That doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you.

You don't know if the guy had 5 dates lined up this week. You don't know if he actually ALREADY has a GF... etc.

He is still a stranger.

You will probably have to wade through quite a few guy who are trying to "hit it and run" (as in just have sex and vanish) again... THAT isn't about you. That is about them. The guy with commitment issues.. NOT about you. Even if you had been his PERFECT match he probably wouldn't have wanted anything serious.

Girls your age are looking for relationships... many guys your age are looking for hook-ups.

Just go slow. I have been on quite a few 1st and second dates that NEVER went any further than that. I would say I was OVERLY picky or there was something "wrong" with me - but half the time I didn't want a second date (or third) or they didn't.

NOT EVERY guy is going to WANT to get to know you. YOU are not going to want to get every guy either. Some will be hits many more will be misses!

This is why the dating process CAN work. TRY not to overthink things. Even if you DO meet a guy you really like, HE might not be right for you. Which is why you hold back a little and do not invest (EMOTIONALLY) too soon.

And don't jump into bed with a guy because he is good with words, either.

Just go slow. It might mean you have to "stop and start" over and over - but it beats being with someone who is just a really bad match/fit.

Relax, you will meet someone good.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 February 2018):

N91 agony auntI think most people will of gone through a phase like this in their life.

I don't think it will be anything you're doing in particular, you just need to understand and accept that you aren't going to match everyone's dating criteria. Think of guys you've let go in the past because they weren't what you were looking for, that's what's happening to you.

You're young, you're going to meet ALOT of guys that just want sex at your age. Whilst that's not a bad thing on their part, as they're at a stage in their life where they don't want a GF and that's fine. If anything you're weeding out bad potential partners in regards to what you're searching for.

In the respect of hanging out with people then not hearing back after it. What are you expecting? The other person to act like a dick with you because they don't see a future? Of course not, they're going to be polite in person then diffuse the situation at a later date.

Stop with the negativty. Life is unfair at points, but you can't just get angry at it and sulk because you're not getting anywhere with guys, it will happen someday and it will be worth it when it comes. Stop trying to force things and just let it happen naturally, you don't go out all guns blazing trying to find a boyfriend, you go with the flow and things fall into place without effort.

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