A
female
age
36-40,
*arie-Jane
writes:Hello,After Christmas (2016) I left my partner, as I came to realise I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It was slowly wearing me down and I started to get ill; for the first time in nearly 20 years, my eczema came back and spread all over my body. I felt depressed and unappreciated. I tried to confront and talk to him about things that weren't right, but he never took any accountability for his actions or apologised for the way he sometimes spoke to me and treated me. So I used the Christmas break as a way of getting away from him. We were initially going to use the week I was away to re-evaluate our relationship, but we ended up ending the relationship over the phone. Now that I have moved my things out of the house and, temporarily living with family, I'm starting to feel like I miss him and maybe I made the wrong decision?. I'm also feeling as though I should warn other women about what he's like, but fear that I'll come across desperate and crazy (as he's making me out to be). I felt as though I put an awful lot of myself, emotionally, into the relationship. I moved from one end of the country (UK)to the other to be with him, changed my lifestyle, tried to find work and try do find hobbies and make friends when he didn't have to change a thing or even want to compromise on anything.I felt that I had to change myself to be with him. Although he said he wanted to be with me and saw me as a'partner', he always put himself first; even to the point of wanting to get a mortgage and buy a house, regardless if I wanted to or not.I have a lot of pain and hurt left over and I just need some guidance with how best to move forward.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Thank you for the feedback, everyone. It backs up what I knew deep down anyway. I'm in the process of moving my life forward and looking to get some counciling to help with the emotional side of things,
Thanks again for you help! x
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 January 2017):
 Stay the course and have faith.
Forget about warning other women, as it will indeed make you look desperate and crazy and it will also look like he dumped you and you're just trying to get back at him.
Anyone with common sense knows some folks are exes for a reason and it won't take other women long to figure out what he's about. They'll either choose to put up with it or they'll leave him. You have no control over that choice, just as you likely wouldn't have listened if some woman had warned you about him.
It's early days and what you're going through, all the doubts and fears and second guessing yourself are NORMAL and something you can work through. There will come a time when you'll back and be amazed at the effect he had on you and why you didn't leave sooner.
You're doing the right thing. It feels scary at first, but that's ok. It will get better and so will you.
I think you've started the year on a very good note-by purging that which takes away from the quality of your life.
Have faith. It will work out just fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2017): Why would you second-guess your decision to leave in one paragraph, and feel you should warn other women about him in the next?
Take that warning and absorb it! You already know what a tool he is, so take your own advice.
Sweetheart, you miss that part of him that used to be good to you. The bad-side of him prevailed and drove you away from him. Let no one, including yourself, convince you that you made a bad decision. It's just a symptom of the detachment process. No more dopamine-fixes to make you feel good when you were in denial to yourself that you were in a bad situation. It is a part of healing to ruminate about the good old-times, when you got along better. The reality is, he is an abusive and cruel man. Missing him is not healthy. Being with him is even more unhealthy.
Concentrate more on yourself and healing, not your twisted addiction to his control and abuse. He had power over you, but you proved yourself even stronger and more in control.
You escaped. That took a mighty huge amount of courage.
Resist all temptation and regret. Do not make any attempts to contact him, or worry about other women. They'll figure him out for themselves.
Get used to independence and work on getting your strength back. Life does not revolve around having a man around every day of your life. You have to be an individual sometimes. Yes, everyone gets lonely and needs companionship. At the moment, you're fragile and under repair. You just need to focus on getting him out of your system and moving on. The good days are long past. He became the monster in your life.
Sweetheart, look forward. Don't look back. You're in no shape now for him, or any man. You need to get a little counseling, some spiritual enlightenment, and see your doctor about your eczema. Stop focusing on him, and avoid self-pity.
You've got to allow a little light and joy in. You miss who he used to be, not what he is now. Your heartbreak is lying to you. Ignore it and listen to your common-sense.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (20 January 2017):
Of course you will feel like you miss him...You have known him for nearly 20 years. He has become a part of your life, for better or for worse.
Here comes the truth about getting away from someone abusive...Getting away was not the hard part...what you do with your life now, that is the true challenge.
I am sure you have some idea of the kind of man you would want in your life. How you want to be treated, and how you want to be loved.
Now you have to believe that you deserve that as much as anyone else, and you will no longer settle for less.
Accept what happened to you as a learning experience. It was not something to make you feel depressed, or bad about yourself, but for you to learn what kind of man you want in your life.
As for letting other women know about him...DON'T!! The more you re-relive him to any other woman, that keeps you attached to him and your past. Reset your life clock, and this time leave him out of it completely, as if he never happened.
Move on...strong and confident...with your new knowledge and way of being.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 January 2017):
 First of all, well done for walking away from this relationship. You know it - and he - were not right for you. Don't be tempted to go back, or to try to warn other women. They will find out for themselves what he is really like and it will be their choice how they choose to handle that. If you try to get involved, it will only prolong your pain. Delete all ways of contacting him. Block his number. Block him on social media.
You move forward one step at a time, one day at a time. Thinking too far ahead at this point will just overwhelm you. Start each day with "how will I survive this day?" and "what can I do today which will cheer me up - even if only for a short while?"
Look up old friends, go for regular walks, exercise in whatever way you enjoy (salsa classes, trampoline classes, swimming, riding, running, whatever is your "bag").
You KNOW you deserve better. Give yourself time to recover from this ordeal, lick your wounds, then go out and enjoy life until you find someone who deserves to be in a relationship with you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 January 2017):
 You imagine his life as being unchanged without you. It's a fantasy. And even if it were true then that would show how unimportant you were to him.
Do not undervalue yourself. Hold your head up and start to chart your own direction. Life can become much more fun for you now you are making your own plans and taking your own decisions.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 January 2017):
 He's making you out to be crazy and you want to warn others about him, yet you think you've made the wrong decision? You just miss being in a relationship, not being with him. It will fade - therapy may help.
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