A
female
age
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*adydyanne
writes:I wanted to say hello to all on this site..I am a new one here,just found this site...I think I am going enjoy this place...Well anyway, my problem is also like one I read on here and that made me want to join... I have been married for 26 years...and am so lonely...which I have been most of my marriage, but I guess with kids to raise and running here and there I never let it get me down. Sure we have sex..."A bam bam thank you mam"...but since my youngest has turned 18 and off to school last year..I have gotten so lonely...I guess I have let my kids fulfill my life..when they were here...the kids and I were so close...they were my life...my husband has always been a great provider, works hard for our needs ...but he just has not ever showed much love towards me...I have b**ched and complained,but his answer is "I am here and I work and provide for us". He works, comes home, sleeps and watches tv and will fix things when things break down..but we never go anywhere together, except to family functions on holidays..I have begged for day trips or planning a vacation,or just a movie...but he doesn't want to go...he tells me "you got a car...go...where ever you want to go..."I ask him, with who??? his answer...family,the kids or a friend...but I would love to have him join me...during the years with the kids growing up...we would every now and then go to the beach...he would stay in the room and sleep and then when the kids and I come in from a day on the beach... he would leave and walk around for awhile..our feet never touched the sand at the same time..One thing he is always after me to do is...let any women I choose...join us in our bed...but of all 26 years i've only done it twice and i hated it...but i guess I tried it to see if it would make a difference in our marriage...but it made me hate having sex with him..so now I just let him get it when he wants it and lay there for the 5 minutes of sex..he never goes anywhere except work,so I know he don't run around on me...so what can/should I do??? Any advice??? I am so lonesome...
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female
reader, ladydyanne +, writes (1 August 2007):
ladydyanne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the ones that left me some answers...i have thought about therapy,but i know i will have to go alone...and i need to mention,i am disable (joints problems) and with a limited income...so i feel stuck...so i dunno...
A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Yes you should go to counselling. I wonder whether he will join you or send you off alone. You are very brave to have tried three in a bed for him, but what worries me is you seem to be putting all yout needs asside for him, even doiung things you don't want to. It looks like you have done this for a long time. I doubt that he will change but you are right to try. Life is short and there is a big world out there for you to discover, as well as the person you are. Perhaps the person you are has been hiding under a bushel. You have made a great success of married and family life and done a great job for everyone. Now it is your turn to find out what you want and find the courage to follow that path. It will be a great adventure and don't be scared, just take step by step. You are a very good woman, kind and considerate to others - now some time to consider yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): I know exactly what you are going through, with just a couple of minimal changes. Been married 26 yrs. myself (no kids though) my career was my distraction. My husband was very distant too. The strong silent type, though he was a good provider, I never wanted for a thing. But emotionally I was starving! Our sex life was the same 5 min. ride and I gave up trying to make it more fulfilling because he could never last long enough to satisfy me. Though he never wanted other women in our bed, I did have several affairs over the years, searching for the emotional (and sexual) connection I was missing! When my career ended through corporate downsizing, I realized how empty and lonely I was emotionally. Since we didn't have any kids, I moved out and started seeing a guy I played in a band with and we fell in love with each other. I still haven't brought myself to file for divorce yet because my husband is so depressed over the separation, I fear that he'll commit suicide once I file the paperwork, but I desperately want to be with this other man, who is exciting, fun, interesting and has fulfilled my every need. (He doesn't know about this other man either). You have to make a tough decision right now. You have to decide if you two can work out your differences. It may even take counseling to bring some change into your marriage. But your husband has to be willing to make those changes and he has to STOP asking for other women to share your bed. No good will ever come out of that! If after counseling, and both of you recoginizing there's a problem and trying to solve it, if nothing changes I'd say it's time for you to end the marriage. Sometimes you simply can't revive something that's truly dead. It sounds like your spouse checked out of your marriage (emotionally) a long time ago. I wish you the best. There are no easy answers.
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A
male
reader, drobnet +, writes (30 July 2007):
honey, your man has been conditioned to respond the way that he has over the last 26 years by you. he can learn to reponddifferently but it will take some time. get your hands on a dog training book, find a simple one that explains the reinforcement techniques and do not give in, but follow the techniques until you get your desires met. ex. give treats to him, when he does something that you want. work on one topic at a time. then advance to another level until you are getting better success on that topic.it took some time for things to get like they are, it willtake some time to change. just hope it will be quicker to remedy. (do not let anyone know what you are doing)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 July 2007):
 I think you two need to get to some counseling pronto. Sometimes a couple needs help reconnecting after the last little bird leaves the nest. Your marriage may only need a little boost. If your husband won't go with you try going yourself and see if it helps. If you are still unhappy after counseling then you may want to separate and see if you are happier living apart. Nobody should have to be miserable or lonely in a marriage but sometimes all it takes are some wise words from a therapist to point the relationship in the right direction. Good luck honey, glad you found us.
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