A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey there, id really appreciate some advice :0) the thing is, im the first to admit i have the most perfect boyfriend i could wish for .hes gorgeous, funny, clever, kind.However i am extremely insecure. i think it may be a result of my dad having lots of affairs when i was younger and other cases of infedelity in my family????anyway, our relationship is perfect and although wev only been together 5 months are very much in love and i believe he is the one for me.But....i am such a nightmare girlfriend sometimes and i know im gonna drive him away if i cintinue. we will b perfectly fine, then il just go in a mood if he mentions another girl/tlks about another girl. we went to the theatre the other nite and there were lots of beautiful women half naked in suspenders. i woulnt speak to him at all and said i wanted to be single so i could go and have sex with other men. i feel so so jealos and feel the need to make him jealous. iv made him cry twice over the weekend by saying i wanted to end it. but i really dont!!i know that i need help with my insecurity because i dont want to lose the love of my life.iv talked to him about it and hes so patient.he says hes going to help me but the qustion is...can i get help??can i change??i cant just change how i think and feel!!and also does it mean tht i dont love him becasue i feel like i do but why do i want to hurt him??im so sorry its so long but would be so grateful of some advice.lots of love xxxp.s i feel more inferior latley as iv been kicked out of university and he is still there doing medicine!!!!
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affair, insecure, jealous, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, elise22  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Just realised this question was from six years ago... On the off chance that you're getting emails when there's a reply: how did you cope? What happened to your relationship?
A
female
reader, elise22 +, writes (6 November 2013):
I have pretty much the same thing, been with my boyfriend for five months and I'm terribly insecure. I get moody too when he talks about other girls, and I know I can be a nightmare sometimes.
I don't really know how to overcome this so I can't really help you with this, except to say: whatever happens, whatever you do, NEVER say you want to break up with him again! That really hurts and will make him insecure, so swallow your tongue when you feel like saying it! This is really important, saying you want to break up will eventually make him break up with you. As for the insecurity, I have no idea how to overcome it. Just try to have faith I guess, I'm trying and failing to do the same.
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A
female
reader, monkeyboots +, writes (2 October 2007):
hi its me again....he finished with me today, said things could never carry on the way they were....ah well :0( thanku so much 4 ur help neway.xxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I am going through something similar myself, and I know how you feel. I'm constantly getting myself worked up and upset over my boyfriend talking to other girls or finding anyone else attractive, which I know is ridiculous !! The annoying thing is I know when I'm doing it that its stupid, and yet I still can't stop myself. I think that I just need help to let things go, and be generally more laid back. Like you, I have found my perfect partner in life and I'm terrified of losing him. I just feel like I'm not good enough and that he will find someone else who doesn't cause so much hassle...even though he reassures me constantly that he would never leave me. Unlike you though, I can think of no reason why I should be so insecure as I've never experienced people close to me having affairs. I think a lot of these feelings stem from the media's portrayal of men in general. They are made out to be able to cheat no matter how in love they seem with their partner, and this makes trust near impossible for some people.
I realise this turned more into a rant about myself than helping solve your problem, for which I apologise. I think we just need to work through the paranoia, and if your partner is like mine, he will understand and help you through it. I have to believe that it will get better, and I have learned to calm myself when I feel the jealousy rising. Just reassure yourself of how much he cares for you, and think of all the times that he has proved that to you. It does help, even though it may not sound too effective. Whenever you feel jealous of another girl you think is more attractive, or intelligent than you, just remind yourself that your partner is with you and not them.
I hope things get better for you, and if you and your partner are meant to be, then I think things will settle down.
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A
female
reader, little miss fix it  +, writes (2 October 2007):
Hi there,i was exactly the same i do think your dad having affairs has had an effect on you.I wonder how your mother may have felt and if you picked up on some of her upset? my father used to put me down because i wasnt pretty enough or clever enough,even being left handed was wrong.I grew up with zero self confidence i had a long term relationship at 15 resulting in the birth of my daughter.I was jealous of other girls throughout even though i had no reason to be.I am now 33 and have another daughter with another long term partner,Both relatonships failed due to my lack of trust.It sounds to me that your boyfriend is a loving partner but to overcome being insecure you have to be happy with yourself and remember you are worthy of love,Even the rich and famous can be insecure.Also try to find some time for yourself,me time when you go and do your own thing without your man it will help boost your confidence,pamper yourself from time to time.I dont know if maybe talking to your father about this might help since he seems to be the root cause of your insecuritys.I myself am still overcoming my childhood and have no contact with mum or dad,i have grown stronger and in time you will too.Keep strong and i hope things will get better for you as i'm sure they will.big hugs and kisses take it easy X X X X X X X X X X X X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I have this problem too. I use a website called Moodgym to help me change my faulty thought processes and I recommend that you do the same. I have managed to move from attacking verbally to withdrawing while I calm down but my partner still wonders about me I am sure. I think it makes him doubt me, but I am trying very hard to get this sorted and I am not sure he realises how hard it is. I was very badly betrayed when I was younger and I don’t think I ever got over it. This may turn into a rant but at least I will get it off my chest, so thanks for sending in your problem. Your background is definitely playing a part in this and who can blame you.
Another factor is that there is an incredible amount of pressure on women to be perfect sexual goddesses. If we fail, why care, our blokes can access all sort of other women via the internet. We aren’t expected to be clever any more. Have you noticed that as well? I know can’t be every women out there, what I wish for with all my heart is for what I am, to be enough. I expect you feel the same. If you look at tv and film, magazines etc, everywhere women are portrayed sexually, but in order to justify that they have to beautiful as well. You can’t watch a tv series without a woman taking her clothes off, but there aren’t any men doing the same. They have no idea how it feels, I wonder what they would feel like if male sexuality was there for our pleasure as much, with little emphasis on women’s bodies, or cameras cutting off so that our breasts and genitals are out of shot but there is a nice view of a big willy for us? I wonder how much insecurity that would breed in them. We never see men shown that way. There is no way most of us can measure up to these objects of perfection and even if we do, we can’t be all of them.
My family are quite intellectual and always respected brains more than beauty. Although I was very pretty when I was young and am not bad now, I never knew it. I did not judge myself that way. Now I do. If I think that my partner is coveting other women it fills me with self-loathing and hatred. This I know is completely unreasonable. He makes comments about women on tv and I have noticed that his family also continually comment on the looks of women. He has told me that I am no ----- ------- (name of glamorous film star). This type of comparison is not one I would have dreamed of making about myself before. He freely and in a way innocently, makes comments about glamorous women in underwear, saying things like he never knew people like that. It sounds a bit wistful to me and I get vibrations from it which I turn on myself. A pragmatic person would say, poor guy, why do you give him hell about something meaningless.
I know I have gone on a lot about me but perhaps you can get something from it. Even women’s magazines ruthlessly make us evaluate ourselves against other women physically. Our role models now usually have no talent. Add to that experience of betrayal in your own life and is it any wonder that you are the way you are? It does not mean it is right though. The key to coping is self-confidence, removal of low self esteem. WI have to adapt myself into a stronger being just so that I can cope with other people and think positively about my role in making my life better. It is so important.
A person can’t live with insecurity that is too loud, unreasonable and self damaging. It is important to find better ways of thinking and self confidence and overcome past experiences. Not all men are the same. Scary. I am rather mature now so I only hope I can do something. Anything for some peace! So, my heartfelt good wishes and good luck to you and let’s hope we can both move on for our own sakes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Of course you will change, no-one has to stay the same kind of person for the whole of their life. But change doesn't happen consciously, you can't "force" yourself to change. It happens when new experiences in our life give us different meanings on how we should be and behave.
My concern is that I think you might have to loose what you have, to be able to change. I mean, it sounds like you will drive him away, sooner rather than later. You are both young, and you should be in a honeymoon period of romance. Life is about making mistakes in relationships, learning from them and then eventually finding someone where you really are right for one another and both ready to properly commit. It sounds like maybe you aren't emotionally ready, for a relationship? If you were, these kind of issues generally sort themselves out.
You blame your insecurity on your dad, but is that really helping you now in your life? It seems to me that by seeing yourself as a victim in this way that it causing you this problem.
I don't believe anything is about blame, it is about responsibility. Your dad may have made some serious mistakes, but another persons mistakes will only affect you negatively if you let them.
What side of "cause and effect" are you on? Are you going to let people in your life cause you to be who you are? Is your dad going to cause you to be insecure? If you break with your boyfriend are you going to let the experience "cause" you to feel that you can't trust guys and have problems with trust in the future?
Or are you going to be the effect in your life, in that you are responsible for your decisions and that everything in your life and everything that happens to you is through your choice. You can just as easily learn from your dad that it will lead you to find a man who is not like your dad and that his weaknesses can only make your relationships better. By seeing that you cause the things in your life is an empowering thought that completely gets rid of paranoid insecure thoughts.
Having said all that, you're young and are at the beginning of learning about yourself, love and relationships. If the guy is right, and the relationship is at the right time, you will trust and be settled. If not, you will continue to get more insecure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Well you do love him. It's just that you don't really love yourself right now. That can bring out the worst in people. When I go through moments where I feel insecure and unhappy with myself I become very hateful, really sensitive and lash out at people for no reason. Everything seems like a threat to me. I think that is what is happening to you.
You are going through a hard time though since you just got kicked out of school and all. Maybe if you had alot more going for you, you would feel a lot happier with yourself. I have been in your position so I understand.
What I usually do (but I don't think you are going to do this, but I'll tell you anyways) is that when I feel down and insecure I take time to myself to really think about my situation and try to think about what I need to do to feel better. Sometimes I just need to chill by myself and listen to music for an hour. Or sometimes I just need to go shopping for new clothes. Go on a diet. Or just relax. But you can't really get better with him by your side. You need space away from him so that you can really look at yourself and try to improve whatever it is that is getting you down.
Maybe you should think about trying to get back in school. Having alot of positive things going for you in your life will automatically make you feel better about yourself.
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