A
male
age
41-50,
*ATTYL149
writes:At the time of writing I turned 37 about two months ago. My love life has basically been non existent. I've been in one relationship and that only lasted about five months partway through 2009. This may be a long message, but I wanted to explain the situationMy first ever date was in March 2009. I have lacked confidence in talking to women. I did use to before but it never went anywhere, and the one time I got a number, I phoned up and basically got told that I wasn't meant to have her numberIn my first "relationship" I couldn't admit to having been single all my life, so I said I'd been in a couple of relationships before. I had no experience so wasn't really sure what to do. Another struggle was and is still is that I'm a virgin. I definitely couldn't admit to that, but when it came to sex, I felt lost at seaAlthough I probably did get some, I don't really remember sex education lessons at school. Having been to an all boys school, I didn't have a lot of contact with girls so I didn't have that chance to get experienceOne thing I'd never felt the need to do was masturbate. Although it should seem instinctive, I didn't know what to do and never thought about it. Not until I was about 29 did I first give it a go, trying to work out what to do. I got there in the endSince then I have been out with six other women. The first one was one date only. The next one was three, but there was no spark there, the next two were also one date only. After that I managed to get two dates, but she had two teenage kids with autism and lived about fifteen miles away from me, and as I don't drive, I had to rely on the train. Her need to look after the kids basically ended the relationshipThis brings me on to this week. I had my first date in a while and it went well and we agreed to see each other again and go for a pub meal, but I've had no reply to my last message and I've got a feeling that this will end at the one date stageWhile it didn't really seem a problem a few years ago, as I'm getting older, I feel it is getting more and more difficult with my lack of experience. I'm relying on dating sites as I don't see how I can meet anyone any other way, especially when most people my age are married and have kids. I don't have a desperate desire to get married or have kidsI 'm sure that someone who has had proper relationship experience would not want to go out with someone with very limited experience. I therefore find that I'm quite limited with who I message and then I hardly get any replies. I'm never sure what I'm supposed to put in my first message to get a reply. I get very disheartened and leave it for a few months. At my age, I can't really afford to do this. I'm using Plenty Of Fish at the moment. As for Tinder, that is a waste of time as I never get any matches. When most people I know are in a relationship then I do feel left out. It does get me down that I'm single and I almost feel like I'm destined to remain this way
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): Even if you went to an all boys school, there were girls in your town. Unless the school was in the middle of nowhere; there were lots of activities you could have shared with other guys leading to meeting girls.
The problem is you've isolated yourself and you've lived like a monk all these years. You've never really ventured forward into the real world. You like tons of guys over 25 who claim to be heterosexuals; but have no experience with women, the story is always the same. They have no luck with women, women are never interested, and they don't get any sex.
I'm gay, and get hit on by women all the time. Always have.
I just turn on the charm and politely let them know there isn't likely to be anything developed beyond friends. They are usually quite nice about it, yet disappointed. We enjoy conversation and I've made some wonderful lady friends. I'm not scared of vaginas or women. I had sex with females before guys. Once you overcome your fear, I think you'll do fine.
Frankly speaking, it's unusual and scary behavior that normally spooks women. That, and very peculiar looking guys who act nervous and fidgety around people. It's natural to avoid someone who breaks out in a sweat or acts really nervous. Awkwardness and the lack of interactive skills from isolation and living in your room most of your life; will make it tough to interact with people. Understandably, it would be hard to form friendships and romance connections. Aside from bonding with techno-nerds, hi-tech geeks, and introverts over the internet through gaming. I can use these terms, I'm a bit of nerd or geek myself. I do have a boyfriend. I've got skills in romance and great interactive skills. They've taken years to develop. Skills that have to be honed, exercised, and put to practiced to keep them sharp and relevant. It started from childhood.
You're starting a third of the way into a lifetime.
You just keep practicing at it. Read books and watching videos on developing social-skills. Observe other fellows and how they charm the ladies. Telling the truth will get you many points and gain their trust. Women don't mind helping, but it does scare them a bit that a man has been so withdrawn from society for so long that he doesn't know how to connect with a female. When it's a natural male instinct. Even if you're gay!
Keep at it. No matter how awkward you are. You build confidence by overcoming fear. Being honest with yourself and the person you have met. Let her know you are working at being a better man and mastering dating; then allow her to bring it out of you. Even if she has to teach you how to make love.
It's difficult to actually tell guys like you what you should do without actually meeting you. We must judge from your stories what your issues are, and make a lot of speculation. From experience I know that mostly it's oddball personality traits, very unusual appearance, and the fact many of you shelter yourselves from people. So your social-skills are under-developed. Charm is non-existent, if you're the techno-nerd who spends all is time gaming. Daily using devices to communicate, deep into your technological professions, and into the comic book culture for entertainment. It takes time breaking out of that shell. All it takes is will and determination. Socializing regularly rubs off on you. Practice, practice, practice!
You can't be in a relationship if you don't have a clue what it takes emotionally and physically. If you can't just enjoy dating until something more emotional develops. Most likely those you have dated pickup on your over-eagerness to have a relationship; when you haven't even learned how to form a love-connection, and how to work at it.
You must take it slow. Be honest about having only a few girlfriends; but not until intimacy and making out is on the table. If you take it to the bedroom; most experienced ladies will guide you through sex, and all you do from there is let your primal instincts kick-in. You know the basics, technique is a skill you develop with more practice. Watch romance flicks and how guys romance and seduce females. It's fictitious, and Hollywood hooie; but romantic, and it might develop your charm.
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