A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been watching the patterns in my family, and I notice that I share alot in common with perhaps both of my grandmothers, but one in particular.She always seemed to me like she didn't really 'neeeeeed' someone to be with. She seemed like she wanted people to take care of and to have fun with, but not like it was life or death. But, when she actually did end up with men, they were the most insidious types. Her first husband was an abusive alcoholic and one day just walked out of the house on her and her three young children, never to return. Then she met another alcoholic who had rages, and infront of the kids set the house on fire and killed one of the kid's dog infront of the kid. I guess she got back with him after this (he didn't live with her, though) and they traveled quite a bit together, and he mellowed out over time, and eventually stopped drinking, but his years of chainsmoking left him unable to breathe at all, and she took him in while he was slowly dying of lung disease. His final thank you to her was to shoot himself dead in her house, I suppose because he was so physically miserable. On the surface, though, she doesn't seem like she would tolerate such behavior (setting her house on fire, killing the dog infront of the kids! awful!!!). She's not incredibly dumb at all (actually she is a mathematical prodeigy, and has been self-supporting herself for years with her skills), and she can be assertive. But, when people are rude to her, she takes a step back, detaches and lets whatever crap happen that will happen. She doesn't try to change or to stop it, yet I've never had a sense that she is very angry about the past at all. She never felt like an angry person and she never talks ill of almost anyone, including these two abusive men.I don't know if I could let things get as bad as she did, but I have dated and fallen for a few guys who felt like they could get just as worse as the two loves of her life, and I do end up forgiving them, but I also feel and express more anger than her I think, although people have a hard time telling that I am anything other than neutral or happy on the outside. Maybe she and I also appear the same on the outside? She and I are either closet-codependents or she and I don't care about finding the best one, and only go with those that give us more thrills and interesting experiences (hers goes a little extreme I think). Or, we don't have expectations and end up in situations like these, or close to these. I feel a sense of horror everytime I start to date someone and their behavior or what they're saying slowly becomes reminsicent of that which I consider to be similar to the two men that she spent most of her life with. I just don't understand her, or I for that matter. I don't want to be like her, but I am like her even when I try not to be. Can anyone shed some light on any of this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009):
Unless you were directly raised by your grandmother, I think its more likely that you are projecting your insights about her past onto your relationships. You just found a hammer- so all the world is a nail.
So you may be right, but I wouldnt put it at more than 50/50.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  + ♥, writes (12 October 2009):
 That you recognize this pattern is a step in the direction of changing it. Whether it's a "learned" behavior from having grown up around this woman, or it is genetic. Find a good counselor and begin taking steps to change the pattern. You are already on the right path, just need to take it further so you are not victimized in the same way. I suspect the reason your grandmother puts up with so much abuse is not that she lacks the intelligence to do otherwise, but she avoid confrontation and would never initiate it. That puts her in the category of being a victim every time. She's also an incredibly patient person, because she's laid back and basically happy, she can put up with alot, where as bitchy, hot-headed woman would say WTF and pull the plug on someone who doesn't treat them the way they want to be treated. You can learn how to find middle ground, that is not necessarily becoming a bitch, but learning where your limits are and sticking with them no matter what! You first have to love yourself (yes, I know it sounds shallow and selfish) but it's the key to making sure you do not get abused in your relationships. There is a fine line between accepting people for who they are; and having them push you over unhealthy boundaries. Many intelligent women are insecure about themselves -- they think they can't do better, or they feel like they have something to offer another person who is a bit "messed up" so they think they can "fix" them, which almost always backfires but it's a hard cycle to break. I hope you will continue on this path of awareness because that is where you will begin to make the most changes. I wish you the best.
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