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I'm scared of my abusive boyfriend

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2005) 32 Answers - (Newest, 6 April 2011)
A , *kiblue writes:

Please help I just got beaten very badly and need advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He and I have had a completely trustful, honest, supportive relationship. Yet every now and then it can be a verbally abusive relationship. Tonight I experienced the worst fight I have ever had with him. He has been stressed lately about his job and decided to take it out on me.

He started being verbally abusive towards me, and I ask what I did to deserve this? I was so hurt from some of the things he said to me that I slammed one of the doors in our house. He opened it and immediately started throwing me into the wall saying that I could have broken the door. He threw me into the wall about four times. I cried harder than I ever think I have cried in my life. I told him that we are through.

I'm still in shock and am bruised. He tried to apologize immediately after he saw how hurt I was, but I left and am now at my sister's house. I love him so much but I don't want to be taken advantage of. If I forgive him and get back together I am afraid the same thing will happen again, and once again I will go through the pain that I am going through now. What do I do now? I am so weak and am afraid that I will forgive him too easily and fall back into the same pattern. Yet I do love him and sometimes see my self being with him for a very long time.

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A female reader, shynessreality  United Kingdom +, writes (6 April 2011):

Honey you should get away from him and stay away. I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend ages 13- 17 years old, and he started physically abusing me when I was 13 by giving me the odd punch, and trying to suffocate me. I stayed with him, and then when I was 15 , and he had turned 16, he started attempting to rape me violently each time I saw him, and still I went back because I was scared, as he was bullying me at school, and telling everyone I was a prostitute. I stayed with him, and then a year later, he managed to rape me,and after that I gave up trying to fight him, and just let him have sex with me.

I only managed to get away because I was introduced back to christianity, and that gave me the strength to leave him and not come back. You need to leave because if you dont , he will take that as a sign that he can just do whatever he wants to you and you wont leave, so it will get a lot worse, please leave for your own safety, God bless x

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A female reader, lexi2108 Canada +, writes (22 March 2011):

it wont change. you have to get out now befor it gets worse. iv been in the same situation. my ex boyfriend, started just to do little things like push me or call me names. and then it got to punching and pushing me into things, throwing things at me. threatning my life. he always apoligized afterwards to me, but it never changed. it was almost like a daily thing for him and thats when i finally left. it will only get worse .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011):

hi, I'm in the same position and have been for about 2 years now ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs now and we have a 9 month baby girl together and im here to tell you that he will not change and that im been choked, beaten, kicked, punched, mentall, physically and emotionally abused and nothing has changed. he once choked me until i passed out ( i thought i was dying)theres been alot of times were he told me he was going to kill and i really thought he was going to and still do believ he could be capable of that.i only work 2 days a week waitressing and cant support my daughter by myself so im terified to leave him so on a daily basis put up will emotionally and verbal abuse. its been a few months since he has hit me.if and when i leave him it will have to be when he is gone and he will come home to me, my daughter and all of our things gone. if not i believe he will really hurt and maybe something worse...... its hard and i was once very very in love with him but now im just terrified of being wiht him and being without him. it wont get better. i need help too. sorry. thanks.

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A female reader, PLaymate415 United States +, writes (29 January 2009):

Hi,

My name is Franchesca. I live in a little town central California where I met my boy friend 3 years ago. We've been together for 2 and wouldn't you believe it we've been going through the same thing. Befor he used to choak me to teach me a lesson but things only got worse from there. Well to make a long story short.. i moved out of my boyfriends house to give us space. Now were getting along better than ever. I believe he has changed and he solution was space. Well i hope that things woorked out for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008):

hi there im in your situation at the moment but i dont know if i have the strength to leave him, i know I HAVE TO and ive known that since the beginning and like everyone says things do get worse and everyday there getting worse i also have a lil girl and i kno if i cant leave for me i have to leave for her but yea leave the prick and i swear you'll never regret it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008):

i know exactly what u r going through. My EX and i were the perfect couple, everyone admired our relationship. but one day when we were arguing he squeezed my hand very hard, i talked to him about him and he said sorry. i forgave him and we moved on. of course the next time it was a shove, then a slap in the face, then i was getting dragged by my hair on the ground, till he pulled a knife on me once IN PUBLIC. That was a big wake up call for me! No matter how much he apologises or how much he says he loves or how much you know you love him...it will NEVER stop!!! Get out now! It is gonna be hard but take it one dy at a time before you know it you would have got used to not having him around and you will realise just how much happier you actually are without him. Keep strong :)

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A female reader, shively United States +, writes (25 February 2008):

I understand what your going through, because i've had the same expirence myself except after he threw me aginst the wall a couple times he would then choke me till i'd pass out. after words he wouldn't say sorry or nothin. I've also had worse nights than that with him. my advice is if you love him stick with it a little longer but make sure if he starts herting you worse than before to end it. and remember to alwase take photo's of your wounds. and also photo's of what he herts you with. so just in case you can show it to the cop's. because if you brake up with him, he'll most likely go down with a fight.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

I would suggest you to get out this abusive relationship becuaseif you let these men get away with this behaviour they start taking you for granted and I can bet you he will do it agian to you. He will just find an excuse and you shoud know a descent man will never get phycially or verbly abusive. Choose a man who is your standard I know you will be feeling very bad now and you might even feel like goin back to him but things will stay the same dnt let him get away with this find a better person and be happy.

all the best

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

First action. Leave him.. start packing his stuff, change the lock and kick him out of the house..Report instantly to the police any threats or violence that he had done or might do. That person is not worth given a chance. Abusive people are manipulative. They never feel guilty about what they done. They are sick in mind, health. They always used excuses to behaving violently such as blaming their past relationship. Yet they used their couple as a punching bag for their frustration.

I do agree one of the male writer, if he did realise how much pain he had done to you, he would had feel sick to even think about it yet alone to touch you. I'm not suprise a lot of women choose to be single nowadays. If you choose to forget what he had done to you, it means you are giving a power and saying yes to his behaviour. Always do personal background check on the men. Sometimes they appear really sympthatic, and would tell you 100 version of stories of his ex. Check yourself whether it is true, did she left him because another men, or she was actually terrified by his behaviour or did his behaviour end up pushing her to another men who is more caring and secure? If a men start behaving possesively , that's always not a good sign. If he stops you from doing things you enjoy without any valid reason,it time to rethink whether if it's worth changing yourself for the person. Or even simple things like shouting you in front of other people and embrassing you with his tantrums, it's time to runaway.

I had similar experience being abuse by my ex. He was supposed to protect me but he acted differently. He used to check my phone, computer and even waited me at my door to see who's picking me up and dropping me off. At first I did love him, I was in love with him, but one inccident, he got jealeous for no reason and try to strangle me, accusing me of being unfaithful. He even said he wanted to kill me. When i explained to him, he never did appologise and regret it. It had made me a distance, and i rather spent my time at home than going to his place. He doesn't like me socialising with my friends and even grumble if i see my sister. He wants me to be 24hr monitored. He doesn't even respect my family and friends. He often shouts and scream and saying awful words to me if i'm late etc. Sometimes i feel like a maid and sex slaves to him. I was terrified of him. He had me feel low self confidence and I always had to appologise to him. When I did check his past background, i found out he did also abused his ex gf and drives her mental. I also found out he said bad things about me to his parents, saying i was unfaithful but failed to acknowledge the reason of the breakup was that he was abussing me. The person who he said i was cheating with was actually the one who had help me gained my confidence and help me when i was crying being abused by my ex. It took a year to heal the pain but I'm finally happy with my life. I never felt better. The last thing i heared he is dating a girl and that girl is now staying at his place while finding a job. If that girl is reading this, please don't ignore any sign.. Please get help.. He's not worth it..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

i can relate to what you are saying, my boyfriend is like that. I have to put up with him calling me fat when I am carrying his child. I can't leave him though because he so manipulative. I suggest you stay at your sisters as life will be easer without him and you will realise that you don't need him. I wish my boyfriend wasn't the maniac he his because I would have been long gone by now! The only reason i stay is because I do not want the rest of my family to get hurt because I know he will do damge to all of there homes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007):

heyah... i was in that kind of relationship and i know how u feel because i felt that there was no way out and no matta wat he will always be ther.. which is true he may always be in your head but believe me us women dont deserve that we give everything 4 men the least we deserve is the right 1.. go out with your sister meet new people an enjoy life.. TAKE EACH DAY AS IT COMES!! xx

Good Luck x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007):

no girl should be hurt by their boyfriend and men think they can get away with been abusive towards there girlfriends.men are like roses watch out for the pricks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007):

I know what you mean. I was with my boyfriend for about a 1yr and a half. Everything was fine until we started to disagree. Everytime he gets angry, he says mean things like b****, f*** you, and so on. Honestly, you don't deserve that. Neither do I. We as women have so much to offer. It's a waste of time to put up with a man that doesn't know what real love is. I say move on. That relationship will only make you stronger and know the difference between healthy and unhealty.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007):

hi, im in a very similar situation, my boyfriend lost his job got extremly drunk one night we got into an argument and i ended up getting dragged around the house by my hair, eventually i did get free i ran back upstairs and i told him i would sleep in spare room it resulted in him following me and one again dragging me by my hair out of the room at the bottom of the stairs he grabbed my arm twisted it round my back and threatened to break it, but because he didnt actually hit me i thought this was ok so i took him back. As he reassured me he was sorry and that it wouldnt happen again but it did several times and right now im struggleing to get out of the situation. Please dont make the mistake and go back to him it will result in major regret. be strong x

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A female reader, chrissies United Kingdom +, writes (10 October 2007):

chrissies agony auntStay away,believe me your strenght will come back ,it will trust me.sit down on your own in a space wher you do not feel frightened and ask your self,do i really love him or is it the fear i feel that makes me feel like this.as i hav said before to another reader fear can make you feel things that you don't want to feel.he does not love you,this i think you know and no body can make some one love some one else.get help now and don't turn back.talk and talk and talk to some one who will listen and who you can trust.so much talking really helps, and helps you see what is the real from the unreal.this is real and is not love.he will not change for you.this will happen again and again and again.i know i have been there.he may even tell you all the " i will get help,i will stop ,ia m sorry".but it won't change he tells you this because with you he has full control of you and he does'nt know of anyone else he can control but you.so now you have had the strenght to leave, stay gone don't don't turn back,no matter what he says or does.you are strong you have proved that ,you left did'nt you.well then that is strenght not weakness.start thinking of you and your live, as that is what he is taking from you.next time you may not be hear to tell your story.so get all the support you need and ask for it. Do something for you and you only and you will see how good life is,and then start feeling better and better and stronger about your self.he is the weak one,he has no control over his own life thats why he has to control some one else.it's not not you my dear friend.choose between living and dying,thats your real and only chioce your given with this man.i would like to hear you back again some day and hear soon and that your doing well.i want to think that you will be alive to wake up every day no matter what.don't let him kill you,you have left and living.stay alive.please please get help so many places.you can contact me for any of these places of help or may be just an ear to listen.lots of love and mores tray x x x x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007):

i am sorry for what he did, i understand i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and just the other day he had it in his head that i was cheating on me, i got pushed, shoved, kicked, bruised, and what is worse i have 2 little girls, one of them cried out during this and he made me lie face down on the floor, while he checked on them, no matter what i said i got punished, i felt so bad, but if i didn't do exactly what he told me to, i was afraid he would hurt me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007):

All I can say to you is run and keep on running. He will never change and next time it will be worse and each time after that..They say they are sorry and that they will never let it happen again, but trust me I grew up watching my mom get beat by the same guy for years and it does get worse...I understand you love him and it hurts not being with him and all you want to do is run to him and say I forgive you,but how many times will you forgive him til your dead or really hurt you so bad you can't walk again or have brain damage.....I really think your better off without him... I understand love does make us women do stupid things but this one you can't go back to or forgive him...I hope I have helped....Jody,Redondo Beach CA..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007):

you need to understand that if your boyfriend is capeable of abusing you once,what is going to stop him from doing again? only you can stop by not allowing him to think it's okay to treat you like this.if he could understand the affect he's had on you. he wouldn't be able to call him self real man.a real man doesn't harm woman.

you're boyfriend isn't a real man but a monster. and that should be enough to say to your self '' why am i trying to change an abusive man? and why should i have to deal with the abuse? he is trying to crush any other thoughts because thats how he trys control over you and brain wash.don't feel guilt for another second. because you have nothing to feel guilt for!!! he's the one that should be feeling guilt. and the reason you're feeling guilt is because you wish that he would understand the impact of his actions.No justification, no excuse. Period.

he's not worthy of you. if you treats you worthless.

never think love is not an accuse for anyone to be abusive. and if he loved you in any sense he would be feeling sick with himself right now. he won't be able to think of his actions. because he's relieing on you to feel the guilt and because he's not man enought. and honestly you would be making the situition worst for yourself if you went back to him that would be kind of say'' it's okay to hurt me beacuse i love you'',you can not change him by changing yourself. i know it's hard to deal; with but don't relie on the fact he'll change because he would end detroy and brain wash you. before starts changing, sorry wouldn't be enough. otherwise he will start to think that it's okay to treat you like that and he won't have to deal with the guilt because by making yourself helpless.change the situation and not him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007):

Hi, I hope that you'll listen to my advice. I know that you love your boyfriend very much, and the thought of losing him or letting go is just terrifying. Trust me, I understand. Because i have gone through the same thing. Me and him have had the relationship going for 1 year and a half. Except in my situation, my boyfriend would slap me across the face and sometimes slam me into the walls. But when he's not angry or pissed off, he's extremely normal and sweet. After many times of fighting and getting both physically and emotionally hurt, I decided to do what's best for the both of us. I told him that I couldn't take it anymore. He did not take this very well and starting breaking down and apologizing imediately promising me he would change. Although I felt bad, I know that he couldn't change. He'd said that many times in the past, and after all the chances I've given him, I just gave up. After that, we stopped seeing eachother. Sure, I missed him alot. Actually, more than alot. I couldn't stop crying for the next few days. But then I started to tell myself. "Why am I crying? This is the best for both of us. It shouldn't always be about him, I have a life too." And now, I feel like a free woman. Believe me, even though I've gone through alot, I still tend to keep my head up high and stay confident. Being sad about the situation won't make a difference. There are many other special things in life that are important, and that I love. It can't just be about him. I deserve better, and so do you. You can start all o ver and trust me hun, after you let go, you can start all over being a more confident woman, and being grateful of how wonderful and special you really are. It's time for others to appreciate that.

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A female reader, Auntie Amber :) United Kingdom +, writes (10 March 2007):

Auntie Amber :) agony auntdont even think about it hun!!! if he loves u he wouldnt beat u! u need 2 let him go and enjoy the rest of your life...dont let him pull u down...hes not worth it....go out with ur sister and make a night of it... meet some new people! speak soon hun xx auntie amber xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007):

from anonymous continued message dated 9th march 2007. dont let your heart rule your head take stock and think !! take care honey enjoy time with your sister life is tooo short dont become a wreck nd move forward, talking from recent experiencexxxxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007):

Hi i can see that you feel very hurt by this!!!! he should have controlled his anger and now this has left you not only physical but mental scars.. you slammed the door cause you were scared it seems and possibly angery 2 !! but you do not deserve this treatment and it will happen again may b emotionaly next time! its hard when you love some one and that love can take over, but realy think about your self respect if you go back this will destroy your self-esteem !! which affects everything around you its already affecting you now. move on girl dont be a victim of domestic violence. your in agood place now, hold tight and dont go back xxxxxx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006):

I have to agree with the other comment. Once he gets abusive, he'll always be abusive. Time to move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2006):

Hi, I am in the same sort of relationship violence shouting and when we argue his says some really nasty cruel things i have realised tonight thats after nearly 4 yrs together enough is enough, get out now and stay out of it because trust me it really doesnt get any better only worse. hope u will be ok.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2006):

Dear Skiblue,

If he realizes he can get away with it once, he'll do it again. I recommend as well you tell the police, but if you can't do that then stay with someone you feel safe with to make sure he can't come after you. You deserve to be treated better, and not just as someone he can use when he is stressed. Please be careful...I hope you'll be okay.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006):

I think you should get out of the relationship before its too late. But if your not sure what exactly what to do ask GOD he created us and he has all the answers you need GOD loves you and you boyfriend but you have a unhealthly relationship and GOD doesnt like seeing you to be treated like that because your worth so much and GOD has a will for you to do so dont be scared to ask god.GOD DIDNT GIVE US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT OF LOVE, PEACE AND A SOUND MIND. but if dont believe that he exist then ask him if he an reveal himself to you and he will but GOD loves you and he just want what best for you. so I will prey to GOD that he will give you the answer to what you need to do in your situation. god BLESS YOU AND HOPE TO HERE FOR YOU SOON. AND I BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT BEFORE.

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A female reader, Delila +, writes (18 September 2005):

This is what probably will happen. When you have calmed down and are over the shock I would say that you will give him at least one more chance actually I see you giving him lots more chances. In fact you will probably start making excuses for him and blaming your self as you kind of are all ready. You may even find yourself apologising for annoying him so much. As time goes on and your self esteem gets lower and he starts getting more powerful and scarey, you will feel like you are trapped and can never get away from him.

What might happen if you love and respect yourself..... You will never go back with him.... You will not talk to him or have any thing to do with him ever again.

Did you know that quite a large number of women every year die at the hands of an abusuve partner. Some women are going through it as I write and will continue to do so because they can see no way out. I went through it. Abusive relationships are hard to give up, and it only happens when we are ready, it took me five years to pluck up the courage and realise I had to go. I remember I kept thinking that he would change. It was so great to get free but I was shocked when I was at the womens refuge and I saw women there who had been comming there for years and kept going back to their husbands/partners for more because they promised they would never do it again. I was lucky because I was young and still had loads of time to heal. Read up somemore stuff on domestic violence, educate yourself, empower yourself and don't get pregnant!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2005):

dear confused

I know exactly what you are going through I am seeking that same advice but the diffence between you and me is that you have the nerve to leave him where as I can't ba thank ful for that i am still trying to figure out how to leave him

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (14 April 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntI think your safety and security is of paramount importance but I believe there is a bit more to this situation.

You say your relationship can be verbally abusive. Does that mean you both are verbally abusive to each other? You have said that your relationship is based on honesty, trust and support. You probably feel very let down now. I think you also suffer from low self esteem which would benefit from counselling.

I realise you love him but there is no excuse for ANY displays of violence. However, you have been together for almost two years and can I assume that he hasn't done this before? I am not going to make excuses for him but I do believe he should seek support in terms of anger and stress management.

Only once he has received all the help and assistance that he needs in order to control his temper should you consider going back with him.

I do hope this helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2005):

Please, please listen to the lady before. Do not think that this will not happen again. IT WILL. So what if he was stressed, would you behave like that to him. Do yourself a favour RUN FROM THIS MAN. You will find love again dont worry. I know, i have been in your shoes

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A reader, REBECCA +, writes (14 April 2005):

Hi

Please listen to the other advice!!

I was put in hospital by a boyfriend a couple of times before i left him!!

This won't be a one off or just because his stressed!

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!!

You deserve to be treated like a woman and not a stress reliver

Take care and get out now

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (14 April 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntPlease, please, please look in the phone book right now and dial up your local police. Ask to speak to the domestic abuse liaison officer. This is a specially-trained social worker, who understands abused women and how they think. She will tell you what your options are for getting away from this man and how to stay safe.

Please do this. I speak to you as the ex-wife of an abuser. I know how easy it is to sweep it under the carpet and/or to blame yourself. (I endured it for 7 years.) If you try to ignore it, the abuse will escalate.

Don't wait, thinking you can do it later. Abusers get off on making you scared and hurting you - there may not be a chance later, if you've been beaten up and left unconscious!

Please go somewhere safe as soon as you can, ring a friend and stay with her. Or go to a motel. Then contact the police and tell them what's happened. You don't have to press charges, but they need to know about your boyfriend in case things get worse.

I hope that you'll take my advice, dear. I care and I've been there.

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