A
female
age
18-21,
*Jess*
writes:I'll try and keep it simple. Basically in september I am moving away for university, its about two hours away, which isn't too bad. The problem is, I was feeling really optimistic about it in the beginning, the university is beautiful and I'm really interested in my course and it just seemed like its gonna be a big adventure, meet loads of new people and just have fun all the time. But just recently its actually dawning on me that I have to go. It wasn't just a little fantasy of 'how cool would it be if I went to university?' same as 'if i won the lottery what would I spend it on?' it didnt feel like it would ever actually happen. And now I'm realising how much I'm gonna lose. My friends, my family, my boyfriend, my home, college, the place I live. I mean, everyone says I'm not losing these things, that they will still be here but thats the whole point. They will be here and I won't. And as time goes on I'm just getting more and more scared of leaving. I don't want to go! Even if I manage to keep hold of my boyfriend and my friends, everything is gonna change and I'm really scared of that. Everything can go so horribly wrong. I don't want to lose my boyfriend. What if I get there and I absolutely hate it? I know I'm gonna drift from my family because I've found that I've been drifting from them recently just because I'm out of the house more than I used to be. I've finally become happy with every aspect of my life just in time for everything to be flipped upside down. What can I do? How can I be strong enough to do this? Every time I think about it I just get this huge feeling of sadness and panic. I'm trying not to think about it because I'm sick of crying to be honest and I know that uni is the right place for me to go but I just feel so alone in the fact that I'm leaving everyone behind when all I want to do is take them with me. Please help :(
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female
reader, *Jess* +, writes (6 June 2008):
*Jess* is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you! Again!!!! Really Pete, you are good at this. haha, you should have a talk show. xxx
A
male
reader, Dr Pete + ♥, writes (6 June 2008):
 Life would be really easy if we could get less attached to people just by deciding to do so! I think Jess it will be difficult no matter what you do. If you stay close, you will miss him, but if you pull apart from him now, you will feel that breakup feeling until you do actually go away.
But, I do think that it won't feel anywhere as near as bad as you think it will. Whenever things feel like they are too much, try and give yourself a little talk and remind yourself that what you're feeling is normal and that things will be OK.
When you move to uni you will have your time filled up so much with getting to know knew people, and trying to remember your new timetable and what to do, you really won't have much time to worry and feel sad.
You can still see each other every few weeks, if you wanted to. Some relationships get stronger when they have some time away. This is usually a healthy thing because it allows you both to have your own personal time as well as being together. It will be OK, honest!
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A
female
reader, *Jess* +, writes (5 June 2008):
*Jess* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was just thinking, it wouldn't be so hard to move away and leave my boyfriend if I wasn't so attached. Which brought me to the thought, does that mean I need to get less attached so its easier? Won't it make the relationship harder to keep going if I'm not as attached? What do you guys think? xxx
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A
female
reader, *Jess* +, writes (24 May 2008):
*Jess* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): I have been in exactly the same situation. Before I went to university I was not very keen on the idea, for many reasons (it wasn't my first choice, it wasn't my first choice of course either.) My boyfriend and I both went to university at the same time, and I was devastated. But we both came home from university every few weeks and spent some wonderful weekends together. We also visited each other during holidays, and for a few days if we had no lectures. When you're away from someone, the time you do see each other for is so much more appreciated, and so much sweeter. Not to mention there's many ways to maintain contact; phone, email, MSN etc.
The same goes for your friends and family - as Fiona says, you're not going to lose them.
I strongly advise you go to university and try it. It can open your eyes in so many ways. It can help you to become a more independent person; to leave behind your childhood and how you were brought up. You can make new friends - not forget your old friends, but merely open your mind to the fact that throughout life, situations change and you have to adapt to them. If you find, as I did, that actually, your instincts were right and university isn't for you, it will still have given you a wealth of knowledge about yourself, and you won't be forever tortured by "what ifs". You'll know you've done your best as grown as a person.
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A
female
reader, *Jess* +, writes (24 May 2008):
*Jess* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Pete, that really made me feel better :) I think I'll just read your answer every morning and evening then hopefuly I'll be ok haha. xxx
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A
male
reader, Dr Pete + ♥, writes (24 May 2008):
Hey Jess
It is totally normal to have all these feelings about going off to University. Pretty much everything in your life changes at once, and that is naturally frightening.
But - everyone you will be around is in exactly the same boat as you, and for that reason you tend to make amazing new friendships and get through it together.
To be blunt; you will more than likely have the best time of your life at university, so much so that thoughts of home, your friends and maybe even your boyfriend will become far less important.
You can't keep thinking "what ifs" about how your relationship may turn out. I think though you are just naturally worrying about it all. But certainly don't let your relationship stop you from making the most of university - I've seen that happen so much and it's a shame.
You're lucky to get the opportunity to go to University, you'll have the best experience ever, whether your relationship with your boyfriend works out or not. Just enjoy each moment for what it is, and take each day as it comes, you can't ever predict the future and you moving away won't ruin a relationship - if it's meant to last it will last through you going to university.
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A
female
reader, *Jess* +, writes (24 May 2008):
*Jess* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReally? They stayed together for the whole 3 years of uni? To be honest, the long distance relationship is the thing I am most scared about. I had one with my ex and it was the worst thing ever, the slow and painful deterioration. The boyfriend I'm with now (Chris) means so much more to me than my ex did, I'm really scared that I'm gonna end up with heart break a million times worse than before. What makes it worse is that we see each other pretty much every day now... He's very supportive about me going and says he will be here for me if it gets tough and that we can make it work but I keep thinking... if it doesn't... what am I gonna do? I love him so much its unbearable to think that I could lose him over nothing but the distance. I'm so worried about it :(
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (24 May 2008):
 I think it is natural to be nervous about going to a new place to study. You are not loosing your friends and family, you can go home on alternate weekends if you like. Many people do that.
Remember that everybody else is in the same situation, and don't think you have to tough out half a term without going home.
It can be hard to settle into things at first. You will make some good friends, who are just like yourself in personailty.
I cannot be 100% about the relationship, although some girls do last with their boyfriends. Some people do meet somebody else. It all depends on how committed you are.
A really good mate of mine, who I met at uni, knew her boyfriend before she went; she went home every fortnight. Othertimes he came to stay. Believe it or not they are married, and still together all this time later.
So if it is meant to be...
I would be concerned about your studies, and not falling behind and doing resits. The social side of things is the easy part.
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