A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I would appreciate any help if possible. Thanks. I was in a long distance relationship for a year and during that time my mother was battling with leukaemia that she had been diagnosed for the pat 8 years. Thereofre, my relationship was my mum's last year alive. As she grew more sick, I was unable to recipricate my partner's love for me. She confessed her love and would have stuck by me no matter what. I was numb by this attention as I didn't feel worthy of happiness while my mum was in and out of hospital dying during that time. I became withdrawn from my partner, upset her and wouldn't make any committments to her. I simply told her I wanted friends only. I hurt her a lot by this and now I'm very sorry, guilty, upset. Well, my mother died, it broke my heart and a month after I told my partner that we were finished. She tried during the next 6 months so much to bring me round to date again or see her but I declined. Now, 6 months along, she has a new partner and says she is very happy. We kept in touch a little during that time but now she sends me an email to say it is inappropriate for her to contact me. I understand. I know I hurt her and I beat myself up about it to have ruined things when we were together. I respect her wishes as I would never harm her new relationship. I won't send her a long letter as it is not fair to spoil things for her. She really did care for me. Now I'm sad as I now realise what I had but now it is gone. Any advice or help I would apprecuate. Thank you for reading this! xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
I wanted to thank everyone for the kind and beautiful answers that I received. I didn't know what I would receive so I am touched deeply. Thank you. x
I'm going to send her a letter to acknowledge that I hurt her and apologise and thank her for being there for me. I don't want to spoil things for her, but I feel it's best to acknowledge to her my apologies so at least she will feel a bit better hopefully. Thank you all. XXX
A
female
reader, Country Woman + ♥, writes (10 October 2008):
 Oh sweetheart I am so so sorry to hear about your mum and even though I didn't lose my mum I did lose my dad last February and I can completely understand what you must have been going through during that time.
How could you possibly keep a long distance relationship going when your head and heart was filled with love and concern for your dying mother, you go onto auto pilot at the time and just getting out of bed every day and doing the mundane things is hard enough let alone keep a relationship which is not close by your side going. Being long distance means that you have to put so much more effort into communication which just wasn't possible for you.
I realise your ex partner loved you dearly and you loved her the same way but when your parent is dying if you have always been close you try to be there to comfort and show your love and care for them when they need you the most, partners and anyone else HAS to come second best I'm afraid and if they truly understand then they let you do what you need to do at the time, however your ex partner didn't see what you were going through as she was miles away so she couldn't fully comprehend the pain you were suffering.
OK so she tried to bring you back within 6 months of your mum's death but in all honesty I have come to realise that it can take a long time for someone to deal with their grief and loss and so I don't think it would be right for you to be with your ex right now as you are still grieving for your mum and that could in total take up to two years so don't beat yourself up.
You had no way of controlling the situation and if your ex loves you as much as she says she did then who knows what the future might hold.
You have to regain your strength and not think about the what might have been scenarios.
Do thinks you want for you and yes be a little selfish, make yourself feel good and don't hide yourself away. Life is for living and I think when you lose a parent you truly appreciate how we need to enjoy what time we have here, you cannot live the rest of your life in regret but instead enjoy tomorrow and every day after that.
If destiny means you will get back together then it will happen, however, if it means that there is someone else waiting out there for you then sitting around moping won't make it happen. Get busy and allow yourself to smile again, it isn't a crime and I don't think your mum would want to see you miserable but instead living your life to the fullest.
Take care and we are all here to help OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, tayalouise +, writes (10 October 2008):
 She obviously had very strong feelings for you if for 6 months afterwards she tried to talk you round, and I am quite sure those feelings are still there, however like you said she has moved on to try and forget about you.
I know it must be very difficult, but you must not blame yourself, circumstances created difficulties and its completely understandable the things that happened.
Perhaps you should look into the future, you say you don't want to harm her new relationship and I feel that contacting her would do that.
Maybe down the line you can talk to each other again and see where you're both at, but now she sounds happy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): oh..so sorry you could be bold and go out there..since its long distance maybe action is better than words.. and u could just say sorry and thank you. And that will leave a better impression in her mind at least and wish her well...doesnt mean you get her back but it means you really went all out and that carries with people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): I had this same thing happen to me so I am going to be looking for the advise too... more than likely they will all just say you have to move on and love her enough to let her go..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): Firstly, Im very sorry about your Mum. It's obvious you two were close, and I hope your alright.
Don'e feel guilty about neglecting your partner, we can all shoulda woulda coulda, but when things like that are happening, thats what we should focus on. You should let your ex know that you are sorry for overlooking your relationship. As for her saying it is inappropriate, I do sympathise. She's obviously still hurt by it, but Im sure she will come round once the anger has diminished.Don;t beat yourself up too much, we all make mistakes.
Hope this helps
best wishes
x
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