A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 1-1/2 years. We are both over 40, educated, mentally stable and own our own homes. I want a relationship that will eventually (not too long, but not rushing into anything either) lead to a normal relationship progression: engagement, living together and marriage and have communicated this to him. My boyfriend says he loves me and only wants to be with me but will not ask me for a committed relationship or talk about a possible future together (yes, I’ve asked a couple times but well after the 1-year mark). Due to the economy I’ve had to cut back on a lot and in the process of trying to sell my house (I can pay the bills just not a lot of extras). I’ve been extremely stressed out about where I will live when my home sells but he has never offered to let me move in (even temporarily). He spends 1 or 2 nights a week at my house and usually all weekend, including all meals, but has never brought groceries with the exception of a box of HIS favorite cereal to supplement what I make him for breakfast (I’ve made comments about not being able to feed myself right now but still he eats, a lot). We do a lot together and I LOVE spending time with him and having him in my life. He does take me to dollar movies and the occasional budget restaurant and of course we celebrate the gift holidays. I don’t want to be just the girlfriend forever and it’s really hurting me to know the man I want to be with doesn’t want a commitment. I truly believe it’s not that men don’t want to get married it’s just they haven’t found the right girl. I have given him 6-months to figure out what he wants from us. I don’t want to lose him but can’t continue to feel this way. What do I do? -Confused Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): Thank you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): I don't think he will make a commitment so I would just do NC and find someone who will. He also should be contributing more. You have enough to worry about as it is, don't waste 6 more months of your time. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Another six months for him to figure it out? I believe he already figured it out after the first six months and you're the one that needs to figure out he is not going to commit to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 March 2011):
You're a educated girl, I don't doubt that. But you have a lot to learn about men if you believe that "it's not that they don't want to get married - it's that they haven't met the right woman."
Trust me, if we men were that simple, you women wouldn't have half the problems you have. You wouldn't be in the position that you are in now.
Fact is, there are man who will commit. There are men who won't.
The ones that don't have either had a bad time with women/relationships, or their lives are made easier by a lack of true commitment.
Your boyfriend strikes me as a man who basically won't commit because he already has what he wants. He has you, willing to take him into your house and feed him, and practically give him what he wants (it's not like he pays his way when he's at yours - I do when I'm at my girlfriend's place, and most other decent men do too).
He also gets away with treating you somewhat cheaply. I can understand that if he doesn't have a lot of money, he can't spend a lot on you. But I don't have a lot of money, so I tend to save then treat my girlfriend to something nice, rather than consistently pay for budget things. That just shows a lack if imagination really.
And, to top it off, in your moment of real need he's not stepped up to the mark. He's not offered to help you, to allow you to move in even temporarily. Nothing.
My feelings are, he simply doesn't want commitment. I think he has what he wants. I don't think he's looking for more.
Thankfully, you seem to have seen a large problem, and though I think you're still not seeing it in full, you did give him a 6 month ultimatum. The problem is I think he will use this against you. I think he'll waste your time and such. At his age, with his so called maturity he should know after 1 1/2 years whether he wants to be with you, especially since you've brought it up enough.
I would suggest that you re-read your own post to see that he's not that great, then accelerate your time limit and move on. I don't think he's the white knight, and I think in 6 months he'll just leave you to dry.
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