A
female
age
51-59,
*qsssemee
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm torn, confused, and seeking your comments. I have been dating Mike for 10 months. I moved in with him a month ago and recently found out (two weeks ago) that he is into threesomes. He was invited (8 months ago) to participate with a marriage couple to partake the wife's fantasy of being with two men pleasing her. How it all started -- Mike met the husband/recruiter at a coffee shop...and it went from there with interviewing, accepting terms, scheduling for the party to happen. Per Mike, with the husband's coaching, Mike wrote a long email detailing what he will do for her to meet her fantasy. Cut the chase...Mike told me that it never happened because of the conflicted time arrangement which interfered with his work. The couple did not reply back to Mike with the new time proposed.Somehow, I do not believe Mike. Yesterday, I asked him if ever he gets an invite again, would he consider doing it? He answered "not likely that it will happen and there is a slight chance I would consider it."I could not sleep at all as this trouble me so much. This is completely against my moral/values. I shut down my liking for Mike. I cannot find myself to accept and respect anyone who would consider do such an act that could result in wrecking a marriage regardless if consent was given. Love making should be private and personal between two lovers. There should be no third party involvement. The married couple should seek counselor/therapy to look for what they lack, and not from an idiot stranger to come into your home to smell and lick your spouse's private parts. I was happy prior to moving in. I was looking for love, looking for something solid who has moral and value like mine. How can I undone my care and love? How can ever like Mike again? Will I one day stop loving Mike and see him as an idiot stranger? I feel so alone and cannot stop my water work. Thank you.Lonely Heavy Heart
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (2 October 2015):
 Um...did I read this correctly? Mike received and accepted this invitation 2 months into your relationship? You've been dating for 10 months and he was in negotiations 8 months ago. Right?
Easy enough for me to say this but this is a huge compatibility issue. He's into group sex AND he has no problem stepping outside his own commitments to engage in it.
OP, do yourself a favour and just rip the Band Aid off. These small tugs are just torturous. It's not a matter of accepting that he loves camping while you love fine dining, or he that likes the Three Stooges while you like classic films. This is a HUGE philosophical and lifestyle difference here. He's already lost your respect and your trust. Without that what do you have?
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (2 October 2015):
 I think that you feel disappointed that things have turned for the ugly just when you thought there is a bright future ahead... But there is nothing that you can do for his shortcomings.
He has 2 strikes here: (1) Two months into a relationship with you and he is negotiating a threesome to cuckold some dude's wife! (2) the type of sex that he was to cheat on with you violates your very fabric of what you expect in a sexual relationship.
You should not hide your feelings nor feel disappointed that you have them. You are much better off now, 10 months into relationship, that he does not fit your view of the future rather than realizing this once you are married.
Just let go of your disappointment and go with your heart. Let this guy go, be tough and seek your happiness elsewhere without him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 October 2015):
 I would not want to be with a guy who hooks up with people online to be a 3rd wheel in a sex session. No way.
If I were you I'd look for a new place to live asap.
This isn't a one off. My bet is he has dome it before and will do it again, and HE (unlike you) don't think there is anything wrong in it.
Now I have to say if a married couple are into these kinds of things that is their business. What they like sexually is none of your business. They are nothing to YOU. HE on the other hand is. HE is your partner, your BF, so if this is something you do not agree with... HE is ready to cheat on you to get HIS rocks off with strangers of the internet.
And how come this subject didn't come up BEFORE he asked you to move in? My guess? He knew you weren't into that but he wanted you to move in with him, thinking that if you live together you will "allow" it, look the other way. YOU will be "stuck" with him for a while.
Sorry, I'd move out, end it, cut the contact and move on.
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (2 October 2015):
Wow, I understand your concerns. You should tell him that you are not into this lifestyle, and if he wants to be with you, then it has to be a monogamous relationship.Try not to judge him for simply liking threesomes. There are people that prefer this lifestyle without it coming in the way of their relationship, and if he was going to be with a willing couple, then what is the problem? The only thing I find a little dodgy is that he was planning on this encounter whilst you two were already in a relationship. Were you two serious at that time, or was it just casual dating? If it was serious, then I would put this as a breach of trust - because he ought to know that most people would *naturally* assume the relationship to be monogamous. If he was into other things, it was his duty to give you full disclosure.You need to talk to him about all your concerns. All the best.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 October 2015):
 There are people who are open to swinging but would still respect their partners' wishes if they are opposed to it and have morals like yours. Mike is unaware of your dislike in threesomes. I think the problem is worse when you heard that he would consider doing one, when he's already living with you. There is a moral code in each relationship and he shouldn't have to be told that you expect a monogamous relationship. I think you would respect him much more if his response was that he's over that lifestyle, and he needs only you. Never mind wrecking some friend's marriage, he's about to wreck your relationship as well. He seems to view relationships as an accessory to his life. If you don't voice your objections he might assume you like a third guy as sex partner too. It's bound to happen that one day he would ask you to fantasize about another guy, and you would say it's not your thing. He might not be satisfied without this fantasy.
I know how painful this is. You thought you finally found a guy who loves you and is committed to you but he turned out to be a sex freak.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (1 October 2015):
 Hi Lonely Heavy Heart
Im with you,in part, on this one. If Knowing my partner is into this kind of lifestyle would be an instant turn off. But There are many solid couples who indulge in this kind of thing without any repercussions. Instead of marriage break down it enhances the relationship. They are just like minded people. I would be concerned that he was willing and able to do this two months into your relationship. The need for Vanilla sex and the need kinky sex are like oil and water. As the relationship develops, chances are he will try negotiate with you and try introduce his type of sexual taste causing problems, pressure or even infidelity. I think the tone is set.
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