A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy for years. Before you judge me you don't have to live my life and there is a lot of screwed up stuff in my marriage. I am married and scared to death of my husband. I found out that I am pregnant and don't know what to do. I am 100% positive that it can't be my husbands. The guy that I am seeing is also unhappily married. Where do I begin??? I am scared my husband will kill me. Literally! Please help with some advice. I know what I am doing is wrong, but sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I don't need a lecture, just some advice on the current situation. Thank you!
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female
reader, mamamama +, writes (18 February 2009):
I know this post is almost two years old, but I was just curious what your decision ended up being on the pregnancy and your husband?? Hope all has been well with you and your kids!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): I know how you feel trust me,im married and had an affair with a married man who's wife was pregnant.i fell pregnant by this man also and decided to keep the baby.there is 5 months between my daughter and his son.it is very hard harder than you could ever imagine.my daughter is bought up thinking my husband is her dad and i hate it but nothing i can do about it,as the other man who by the way is still very much in my life doesnt want anyone to know that she is his as he would lose his son.it really hurts me to think he doesnt want her like he does his son, i want my baby to know who her real daddy is and where she came from but what can i do ?
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A
male
reader, Kohjakza  +, writes (15 September 2007):
sometimes the wrong decision is the only choice. If your husband is so twisted and demented that you fear for your life and ha to look for love somewhere else, then you made the only choice you could. End your marriage and start anew, it is not as hard as you think, you must only abandon the familiar and known , for the hoped for and potential of another., Much love and luck, I will pray for you. Timmy.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 please do not terminate the pregnancy. this time last year i was the other women and fell pregnant and got told to get rid of it which i foolishly did. if you're unhapy in your marriage, br honest, leave and do it for you. children are forever.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 September 2007):
 I won't judge you, it looks as if you realize when you did a huge boo boo.
If you are scared for your life, there is not reason to tell him and put you in danger. Get out of the relationship, find help, go to a safe house, file divorce, have a restraining order issued, if you need to call your local police department, or family services department, they have a list of agencies that can help you get out of that situation and be safe.
First: You don't deserve this treatment. Living scared is not living at all. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship where they don't feel safe.
Second: If you keep the baby, you now have more than just yourself to worry about. The child deserves to grow up in an environment where he/she feels safe too, and doesn't have to worry about your safety or theirs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): 1. Abort this baby if you can possibly live with that choice. I would.2. Don't kid yourself about whether the truth will eventually come out. You've gotta think long-term here. Even if you don't tell anyone, this situation is bigger than anything you could possibly control. We're talking about FOUR people's lives being altered now. The child will be his/her own person who may someday elect to get blood tested whether you want them to or not. Not to mention the father and your husband's rights and suspicions in all this. You (and your romantic life) are not the only one with a stake in your actions at this point.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): I completely understand what you're going through as I went through the same thing ... very recently.
I terminated the pregnancy because in my case, although it was unlikely the baby was the other man's, I couldn't risk it.
I couldn't handle the thought of telling my guy I was expecting, letting him get excited for 9mths only to risk hurting him in the worst way by (1) him realising I cheated and (2) then finding out the child he'd been so looking forward to wasn't his... it would've been a double blow for him.
Now I wish I could go back & undo it all -- the cheating & the termination, but I can't. But, for me, terminating was the right choice -- I have to live with that pain but at least I've saved him from it.
You really need to figure out what's the right choice for you.
For me, I love my partner so much & the cheating was a stupid mistake so saving him from pain was my utmost priority.
In your situation, you're not so in love with your husband so you can really do a couple of things:
1] terminate & never tell him (either about the pregnancy or the termination) and just stay with him.
2] get a paternity test done - I think you can get one at 12+ weeks. I didn't take this option because I couldn't have terminated that late - I found it hard enough doing it as early as I did.
3] Have the baby & tell him it's his (but keep in mind, this will likely come back to bite you on the ass one day - if, for example, your baby has a blood type that isn't possibly from the combination of you & your husband, or if your lover has a family medical history that you need to tell doctors about)
4] Have the baby & tell him it's likely not his (but this doesn't sound like a viable option for you).
5] Both of you make the break from your respective marriages & begin your life properly together with your baby. It's not impossible, although it may be difficult. You CAN chose this option - you may lose money, some friends and possibly other things, but wouldn't this (together, happy parents) be the best environment for a baby?
I don't know exactly what to suggest but the main thing is that you make the best choice for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): I completely feel your pain... I also am pregnant. So the story goes I have been with my sons father for about 9 years now .I think maybe 3 of them have been good years.I pretty much stay for my son..I have been sleeping with another man for over a year. I just found out last week that i was pregnant.I have not slept with my sons father in a few months so im sure its not his.. My problem is i think i want to keep the baby but i am scared to death what my sons father would do if i told him..I am only thinking about having an abortion ,because of him..I dont want to hurt him or my son, so totally feel for ya hope it helps ya to no your not the only one.......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): OH MY GOSH! You know they always say, "Someone else has it worse than you." TRUE! Do you want to keep the baby? Is abortion even really an option? How far along are you? Is the husband going to notice? Is he going to notice a change in your habits? Does he keep tabs on you? Follow you? Check to see if you go to work, timecard? Or the grocery store receipt time, ect? Does alcohol, or drugs provoke the abuse? Do you have family or friends to support you? Whatever provokes the abuse, avoid it at ALL costs. Keep things on an neutral ground as long as possible. DO tell the baby's father that you are pregnant. I believe too, that if he is TRULY emotionally attached to you, that he will probably leave his wife, but don't count on it. I agree with Frank, "As much as you think your lover might care for you, and maybe he does, being in an affair is different from being in a relationship, and most do not work out having their roots start from deceit."
If your husband is the type of man "You paint him to be," you are probably right, this is just the type of thing to send him COMPLETELY over the edge, for him to do something as drastic as, KILL YOU! Get yourself out when it is SAFE to do so, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! The people are right, a Judge will give you an "Order of Protection." However, it is still just, A PIECE OF PAPER. It will not stop him from doing anything, and if the Police are like they are here, then it can take them around 45 minutes just to respond to a call. By then, it WILL BE TOO LATE! You need someone to HELP PROTECT YOU.
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A
female
reader, finchy +, writes (31 August 2007):
 you need to get out of there and take your kids with you! you say that he is good with your children but what if one day he turns on them?
It happened with my dad.. he was abusive but the doting dad.. then it all just changed overnight.. you need o get somewhere he wont find you,... my dad found us and tried to burn the house down..
Can i ask.. is he just an abusive man or is he an alcoholic or anything?? my dad was an alcoholic.. its actually just been on tv and papers as he just died.. maybe you could get him help..
im not gonna give u advise on the baby cos that is your decision to make for yourself.. (your baby, your life)
x x take care, Finchy x x
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Thats a tough one for sure.
I will barr all moral advice and just going with a logical plan considering this is really severe.
I think if you are that afraid of your husband and you have looked elsewhere for love this long then the marriage is dead anyways. Time to leave right now. This will serve 2 purposes. #1 You can be safe and get out of the marriage. #2 You can have the baby and keep him from hurting you when he eventually finds out.
It looks to me like life has basically pushed you into making a decision and mine may not be it for you but you will have to do somthing soon. The time for having an affair and allowing yourself to be in a shitty marriage is over.
Get an attorney. Get family help. Get a restraining order if you need to. GET YOUR ASS OUT!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Frank, it is more of an emotional affair that a sexual affair. I have only had sex with him 5 times. When we do it is very intimate, something that we have both been longing for. What about my children??? My husband is very good to them.
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A
female
reader, 88jane +, writes (31 August 2007):
 ok hunny, has your husand been violent to you in the past?? if he has and you are that scared of him then you must must must leave him straight away!! this is probably a scary thought but now you have yourself and your baby to look after!! you cant afford to be in an abusive relationship!! im a student midwife and ive worked with women being domestically abused during pregnancy and its a sad fact that in many cases domestic abuse worsens during pregnancy! but not only that, you dont deserve to be treated like that!! you deserve to feel safe!! seek help from a domestic abuse helpline or if things are really terrible then call the police! either way, you need to leave this abusive partner!
thats the first step, secondly--tell the father of the baby that he has got you pregnant...if he loves you then he will leave his marriage and support you, if not then he at least needs to know so that he can be a part of his childs life when he/she is born and provide financial support!!
there is help out there for pregnant women in abusive relationships! talk to your midwife if you can---she can definately give you advice and helplines to call!
how are you feeling about this pregnancy? do you want to keep this baby? i dont agree with the other posts that you should terminate the pregnancy-unless you feel that this is the only option for you!
take care of yourself and your baby!!
xxxx
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Wow. Ok, what I am going to say is not going to be popular.
Firstly, I think you should terminate the pregnancy, or put the child up for adoption. When a child comes into the world, it deserves to have certain things like love, support, and be cared for. This child is coming into what sounds like chaos, unstable relations and could be in danger of your husband.
Next, divorce your husband, regardless of the pregnancy.
As much as you think your lover might care for you, and maybe he does, being in an affair is different from being in a relationship, and most do not work out having their roots start from deceit.
Get your life together before bringing a child into the mix.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): My husband has had a vasectomy and would never believe that it failed. We have children together and I know I already destoyed everything for them since I got pregnant. He is violent with me and the other guy knows, but I won't let him do anything about it. He keeps telling me one day it is going to go to far and he is going to kill me. If I tell him I'm pregnant, I am afraid he will kill me then kill himself. I honestly believe he will. I really screwed up my life and my childrens lives. I must be a terrible mother for not putting there feelings first. How could I let this happen.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Is there any possibility that your husband could believe the child is his? (He hasn't had a vasectomy or left town during the conceiving time?) You could try to pass it off as his in the short run.
In the long run, if you're afraid of him you need to leave him, regardless of the outcome with this child. And whether your lover leaves his partner or not, he has a responsibility to the child.
Let him know that you're planning on leaving your spouse, and that in your perfect world he'd leave to to help you with the child, but that you don't expect it. What you do expect is financial help with the child.
If he tries to weenie out of this, see a lawyer. Your child deserves the support of two parents. Yes, if you have to do it this way you will probably break up his marriage anyway, and I know that's not the best. But the child is his too, and must be supported.
In the short run, please take care of yourself. If you are really afraid of your husband, look into women's shelters in the area. Seriously.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Drop ur husband if there is real violence involved trust me i know 'realtives exsperience' and then sort things with the other guy if not dont be ashamed of being a single mum. Or if worst comes to worst abortion
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A
female
reader, Ileana +, writes (30 August 2007):
 Hey sweetie,One question is this man aggressive towards you?If he is get out now! Never stay in a relationship where there is violence hunny your worth much more. And plus now you have a baby growing inside of you a precious life, go to the police if you have to, do anything to protect you and that little life youve created. Next thing tell the babies father whats going on he will have to help out, and if he is unhappy in his marriage then he should try to sort that out unless it is beyond repair.If you need any more advice just message meloveIleanaxxxxx
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