A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Im in a mess I really need some advice. Basically my boyfriend of 3 years and I split up about a month ago after a series of rows. It was a messy split, we still both loved each other but could not be together. As the days went by I realised that I couldnt live without him and I asked him to get back with me but he didnt want to. Ive been asking him back ever since, looking and acting so desperate, pleading with him, but he's adamant he doesnt want me back. Anyway, yesterday I found out I am 6 weeks pregnant which has come as a shock because I was told I was infertile after i had my son from a previous relationship 5 years ago. Im over the moon but when I called my ex today and told him the news the first thing he said was well Im not getting back with you and that I should get rid of it as we are no longer together. I said that I would never get rid of it as I have always wanted another child and then I get this chance, and he has always known how much I wanted another one. I started to cry and said to him that if he still loved me and I still love him then surely we could get back together and work it out. He then said that he didnt love me anymore and he met someone a few days ago who he is now seeing. I am distraught to the point where I cried for 3 hours straight. I cant eat or focus on anything else. It feels like my world has collapsed. I begged him and pleaded with him in tears but he was adamant. He said that if I do keep it then he wants to be part of its life, which I cant stop, but he also said that he wants to be there through the whole pregnancy like going to the doctor appointments and scans etc but I dont think I can cope with that if he has a new girlfriend. I want him back so desperately. We were together 3 years and he built a bond with my son. We did go through alot together in those 3 years which only made my feelings grow stronger for him, but for him its done the opposite effect and pushed him away. When we split, I knew he still loved me. He was in tears, we both were, we hugged for ages crying, we just knew the relationship couldnt carry on the way it was. But now suddenly he doesnt love me anymore. He must have told me that at least 10 times today and each time is like a knife in my heart. I promised him that if he got back with me I would make sure that things would change, I would get help with my own issues (like paranoia and depression)and even suggested relationship counselling but he wasnt interested. So Ive left it and told him to give me a few days to get my head together and think about what Im going to do. In my heart I want this baby but I cant do it without him with me. The pain I am feeling is unbearable and I think that if it wasnt for my son, I would not be here now. I know that sounds crazy but thats how utterly heartbroken I am. I am 31 years old and I have never felt this low. Please tell me what I should do? I think its made worse because he has got a new girlfriend so quickly. I cant have him with me during the pregnancy if he stays with her, I just cant.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): HiI was thinking, if you decide to keep your baby, then you could go through the pregnancy, scans and so on, alone. He doesn't have a right to go to those with you if you don't want him to be there.Once the baby is born, then, obviously, he has a right to access to his child and this could be sorted out without you having to see each other. At least this is the law in England and the U.S, but I'm not sure where you're from. The birth is some time away and you may feel a little differently about things then. This may not be so raw. I feel deeply for you as it sounds as if you are so sad and upset, but I'm sorry I'm going to be a little harsh here. If he has had to tell you the same thing ten times in one day, then this is not good behaviour on your part and however upset you feel about the break up, you have to respect his wishes. And think about more respect for yourself too, please don't beg with him any more. Your pain sounds almost too big for you to cope with at the moment, please go and see a medical practitioner who could maybe offer something to help you. Counselling I think would help you, you need to talk and try and get some perspective.Try to be aware too that too much upset may be bad for your baby (and you), but I think you need some outside help and support to help you cope with your hurt feelings. I wish I could help you more, I can only tell you that I have felt distraught too, because of a relationship, but it did get better and you will too ....in time. Bless you and please reach out for some help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): Hi, Op,by describing how much you want it-I'd say keep it. Given your background history-if that is true, you may not get a 2nd chance. It's a miracle this time round and miracles sometimes don't happen twice.Also, sorry to have to tell you this BUT you don't get over a 3 year relationship in a month! Met a couple of days ago? I call bull!!It MIGHT be true, but I don't think so. In my opinion, he has been seeing her behind your back (even if nothing physical occurred-maybe they just chatted etc. and formed an emotional bond?) and then he broke up with you.Also he doesn't seem a whole lot torn up about the break-up, so I'd say either he has been thinking about the break-up for a while and it's already been decided in his head OR other things have been going on (sorry) behind your back.You being pregnant messes up all HIS plans. He is NOT thinking about your well-being or that of his child.I say you should put YOU and YOUR child's needs first. FIY, he can demand whatever he likes-doesn't mean he will get it or that you have to let him.I'd go with : "The break-up was particularly hard for me as you're well aware. I understand your need to move on and respect it. Therefore you should respect my decisions too- I believe due to the situation you've put me in (i.e. in respect to your new partner and our recent break-up) I feel emotionally perturbed. Your feelings don't come first for me any more. What matters first and foremost is my well-being and that of our child. Me being this emotionally unsettled is NOT good for the baby. IF you want to be part of her/his life THEN you can do so after the birth.Meanwhile, I feel is best for the baby that I keep in the best health (mentally and physically). This includes NOT seeing you, not communicating too much-.e. no phone calls,texts etc. during the pregnancy (you'll be sent scans/photos if you wish. Please DO NOT reply to those e-mails)."Then cut the cords. Cold. You have 9 months (and your whole life) to get over him and if you keep the baby-another little human being that depends on you and needs you way more than this man.IF you decide to keep the baby (as it seems that you'd like to from your letter) THEN you need that time anyway to prepare financially,emotionally etc. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (13 April 2015):
Sorry for three pain you're going through. Most people have been there and so I can safely say it will go away.
One thing that won't help, is begging him. That will just push him away and cause him to lose any respect he has for you.
The decision to have the child should be based on whether or not you can be a good mother regardless of your relationship status. If you can then you should seriously consider keeping the baby.
Your ex has said he'll be a part of the baby's life, so that will help but don't think that it means there's a chance with you two.
The way to get over this is to accept that there is no chance you'll get back together. Nothing you can say or do will change that, and believe it or not, that's a good thing. You're not right for each other. If you were you would still be together.
There are 3,500,000,000 other guys in the world. He's not the only one you could love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): I am sorry for your loss. I think you must respect your ex boyfriend's decision. He does not want to get back together with you. Stop asking and begging. He has been crystal clear with you and your behaviour will not make him start to love you again. Sorry, it's true. If you cannot treat the father with respect for his decisions and be civil with his new partner(s) going forward, then you should really consider not having this child. You do have some time yet where all choices are still available to you. Really do some soul searching, and decide if you will be able to give this child a good life and treat the other adults in it's life with respect as well. It is a requirement for a healthy upbringing for a baby. The breakup is really new right now. sounds like you may be better off cutting off contact with your ex for a while to sort out your feelings. See a therapist, who can help you put all of this into perspective and help you deal with your grief about your failed relationship. Also, you are not infertile and will be able to have more children with someone else who wants to be with you. Hope this helps, sorry if a bit harsh.
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