A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband's parents owe a large amount of money to a family member which they can't pay. They have asked my husband to pay the money on their behalf, we are talking £500 per month for the next 10ish years. My husband works 9 to 5 and I work part time. Money is tight as we have two children under 5. I am currently pregnant. My husband is pressurising me to get a weekend job in a factory/supermarket/cleaning so we can pay his parents this money. I really don't want to do it as I already look after the kids do the majority of housework and work part-time. I'm also pregnant and feel exhausted most of the time. They are making me feel so guilty, saying that his parents will lose there home and the other family member will make sure nobody in the family speaks to them ever again. We can't afford to pay them any money unless I work. My husband is unwilling to get a second job as he says he already works full-time. I don't know what to do, I feel like telling my husband to choose between us and his parents. I suspect he will choose us but then resent me for the rest of my life!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 March 2019):
 Listen, not only do I not recommend you do this like the others have said, but you need to protect yourself! Your husband wants to harm YOUR family to subsidize his parents, and that is unacceptable.
If he will not see reason and tell his parents that it's not going to happen (how DARE they even PUT that on him?!?), then you need to hide some of your assets.
Open a bank account in ONLY your name and keep it secret from your husband. Put some money aside in it. THat's easy to do - just get cash back on grocery trips and quietly stash it in the other account. Do as much as you can get away with, and run a credit check on your name right now to make sure he's not opening credit cards in your name behind YOUR back.
I actually question whether or not this is for his "parents" and wonder whether or not he is spending for something like gambling or drugs or secret purchases behind YOUR back. Demanding that YOU get another job to pay back $500/month for 10 years or they'll "never speak to him again" sounds suspicious, to be honest.
Believe me, if he *IS* telling the truth, they're never going to speak to him ever again even if you DO give them money, because stuff like this you'd THINK would make them grateful, but what it will make them is resentful, entitled, demanding more, and YOU will get angrier and angrier until the relationship ruptures. You actually have a better shot at reconciling the family if you say NO. They can declare bankruptcy, pay $2,000 or less to file, and then they won't owe anyone else anything by law once it discharges.
But I strongly think there's more than meets the eye with this one, and I think you are being lied to here. Don't stand for it, and whatever happens here, get that secret bank account open NOW and get some secret money in it! Run your credit report once per week and monitor it, I mean, REALLY MONITOR IT! Normally, I do not recommend secret bank accounts from spouses AT ALL, but as he is the threat to the family finances, then I say BUILD this secret financial "storm shelter" for his own good until he comes to his fool senses, stops harming your family, and then you can release it.
If worse comes to worst and you two divorce, you will need that rainy day fund to get away from him with.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2019):
 Tell him you are also working full time, or more. You just dont get paid for it all.
But honestly, I am firmly against you and him ruining you own finances and marriage in order to give away money to his parents. They need to go to the bank and get a loan. Or they need to be responsible for their own actions. They are the ones who need to pick up extra work to pay off their own debts. It would be a different matter if you had more money than you need already, and could afford to give it to them. But you can not. So then you must not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2019): What he is asking you to do is totally wrong. If they have to lose their house to pay their depts so be it. Many people lose their houses and cars to cover their depts, so why shouldn't they? Tell your husband that if there is always someone paying their depts then that will only encourage them to make more depts in the future. Don't let him blackmail you and let this be a lesson for them. I know in our Eastern societies when something like this happens usually a pool is created among the family members and friends to collect some money to cover some of the depts or all of it, so the burden is distributed among many and no one is hurt. Your husband should talk to other family members to set up such a pool to help his parents. That is probably the fairest and best way to help them. I am sure your husband will eventually accept that you and your kids are his first priority and he can help his family within his capacity w/o exposing you to grave hardships.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 February 2019):
 He is kidding ,right? This is his parents problem and he has no business making you feel obliged to take it on as yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2019): You've got absolutely no obligation whatsoever to payoff his parents debts!
It would be a kind and charitable act to offer them some assistance; but assuming nearly full responsibility for undertaking their over-blown debt is not even remotely your obligation. I guess your husband is bullying you; and will not likely let-up until you give-in to his demands.
How much did your husband benefit from the money they borrowed? Do his parents gamble? Why would anyone borrow that much money knowing they can't pay any of it back?
Why won't other so-called family-members chip-in; and give his parents, you, and your husband a break?
Is this some proposition they can't refuse, like in a gangster movie? Will the relative break their knee-caps? Is the relative a drug-lord or something? Why would your husband be so desperate to bail them out?
I'm far from naive, and I know without a doubt you're leaving-out a truckload of details!!! Nobody of a sound-mind would demand something like this of their spouse, and be serious about it. Better yet, no spouse would even consider doing it! Unless they are helpless and given no choice!
Maybe a heartless brute from an underdeveloped, battle-torn, or far-eastern nation; where men can treat women like crap, and dog you until you sweat and cry blood!!! Does he want you to miscarry? You'll be too heavy to go between two jobs. It's not like being at one job all day long. That's why he won't do it! What are you to do once the child is born? Work with the kid strapped to your back?
Unfortunately, we don't get to talk to your insane bullheaded husband; but I wish you could print these answers, and lay them all out for him to read. Maybe not this one, I don't want him to hurt you; or become enraged that you sought outside advice.
Unless you fear for your safety, I would urge you to put your baby, and your own health first. You have other children, and your own household to support. Not to mention you can't afford to do it; even if you worked a full-time job. You've got an addition to the family coming!!! Which makes one wonder why he feels you're the one who should break your back; while you're pregnant? While he feels his 9-5 is sufficient??? It's HIS parents who are in trouble!!!
What have your parents got to say about this? Are you afraid to tell them? Are your folks living faraway in another country, in some distant remote village? I bet if they knew, they'd yank you out of that house so fast your head would spin! Provided this isn't a case where you're estranged; and you rarely hear from them. He's all you've got. *[sigh!]*
Otherwise, I can't figure-out why you can't just say "no-way...OH, BUT HELL NO!!!" Unless you're in an abusive marriage, and you're just venting about your situation; knowing you won't follow-through on any of the advice you receive. Then this would all make sense.
I feel you're leaving out too much for any of this to make any sense!
HE'S OUT OF HIS EVER-LOVING MIND!
He's endangering your health, your unborn baby's health, and placing your own financial-stability in jeopardy. His parents can go belly-up; unless they've been threatened they'd be "swimming with the fishes."
I'm guessing his parents to be in their 60's to 70's; if you're both nearly 40. So they borrowed money lacking adequate income to repay the debt; and probably too old or under-educated to work full-time jobs. If they're immigrants, they may have a language barrier. This seems too much like a situation where a relative financed relocation or immigration of family-members; and now calling in the debt. Perhaps something more sinister!
I will not even hesitate to further speculate that part of that debt was due to unwise financial decisions made by his parents, gambling debt, or living far beyond their means. Your husband must be somewhat responsible; and not telling you all of the details, while testing your gullibility! This whole thing could be made-up; and you're on the receiving-end of a huge lie. It just doesn't add-up!
Seriously?!! You'd think you were talking about the mafia or something!!!
If he won't let up, your only option left is to leave him. If he loved you, he wouldn't demand this of you; not in your condition, or at your own financial-ruin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): The parents should know better and take responsibility if they owe money. I sense that there is a lot more to this story than YOU know or telling us.
Anyway, if it is 'their' home, then they should remortgage, sell, rent, bank loan, work, themselves.I just don't quite believe this scenario.Somebody behind the scenes are up to no good and trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
You need to take care of you and your children first.
Are you 100% that your husband does not want this money himself for something in particular? and using his parents as a way to guilt you into it.
I don't like the sound of this. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (27 February 2019):
 Sweetheart, YOU already work full time and more. Consider how your day is filled. Looking after children is harder work than most jobs.
If he cares that much about his parents, then HE should find a way to pay their debt. Why can't THEY pay it? If they owe this money, then they should sell their house to pay off the debt and move into rented accommodation. Why should YOU work your fingers to the bone to pay a debt THEY have incurred? Would you expect YOUR children to do that for YOU in the future? I certainly hope not.
Your husband is being extremely unreasonable and should be putting his wife and children first, not his parents who have made their own bed.
So he will resent you if you refuse. Won't YOU resent HIM if you DON'T?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): I would not worry about, or try to help pay his parents' debts if I was you. It is not yours or your husband's responsibility. If he wants to help them out, he can, but only with what you can afford. If he cannot afford to pay the entire amount, then his parents are responsible for the rest, and he should work that out with them. It sounds like your family is already struggling along at full capacity, so it may not be feasible to help his parents financially at all. Some ideas you could explore:Instead of paying this debt off for them, can he be the mediator between the relative and his parents to try and work out a new payment schedule that they can afford? Can they take out another mortgage or other type of loan to pay the relative off, that has more reasonable payment terms? Can they sell some assets, like a second vehicle, or whatever they have to pay this down? What was the debt taken on to purchase? Can they sell that?Are there other family members that are financially stable who can help them out for a while instead of you guys?There are a lot of other options than just having your husband and you assume a huge debt for them. See what you can do to educate your in-laws about their options (your husband should do the talking on this) and see what they can do for themselves.Ultimately, you have to come before the parents. Also, they made their bed and went into debt on their own, they need to pay it off. Your first priority, and your husband's should be your own family unit, and not putting his parents before the wellbeing of you and his children. Best of luck, R
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2019):
 This is---well,insane. I think there must be some sort of cultural gap here, because for a Western mind what your husband suggests is simply unconcevable. Actually, there are many Western cultures where family is very important: mine ( Italy ) , for instance. But there's a sort of
" hierarchy " in family obligations too, and a husband and father of 3 kids who wants to spend 60.000 pounds not , if any, on his wife and kids , and future and present necessities, but to indulge his parents ,so that they can keep " speaking" to the other members of the family… I mean, come on. That's ridiculous. For what YOU personally should care , they can stay mute, and unspoken to ,forever ! How they think it's ok to suggest that you should endanger your health, overwork yourself like a mule, and sacrifice precious time to spend with your kids- so that they can " save face " , that's beyond me. Must be another culture, honestly I don't get it. Of course it is very sad if they have to lose their house, then again- actions have consequences. If they put themselves into a situation which has bad consequences , they should not even try to saddle their huge debt on YOU and your children. WHo are their grandchildren, btw; what loving grandparents these guys are !?
And your husband ? yeah, make him choose- and if he chooses his parents, good riddance, sorry but he is a shitty husband anyway. What, he does not want to take a second job " because he works full time " ? You work full time too, ! hasn't he noticed ? What with your current part time job, and keeping house, cooking, cleaning etc., and raising two small kids ( who will be three kids soon )- you are working MORE than a full time job- and those are not even your parents, but his ! If- IF- really somebody in the family should bust their a.. off to save your in-laws' face- that would be HIM !
If he chooses you and the kids, he may resent it ?
Well, why, if he makes you work like a slave for the next ten years in order to comply with his parents' whims , don't tell me that you would not resent him ! His
" resentment " is a risk that, in your shoes, I'd be perfectly OK with running.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): You owe his parents nothing. If they got themselves into debt, its their responsibility to pay it back. Can they not remortgage their home or sell it? Its not down to you or your husband to pay it off for them and its an insult that your husband would expect you to work to give them money.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 February 2019):
 How are YOU responsible for a debt of 60,000 that his PARENTS have made?
How much do you think YOUR kids will go without because you two are paying 500 a month? You will soon have 3 kinds under 5 and if money is tight with just the 4 of you, having another child DOES cost money.
Where is your partner's parent's from? Why can't they SELL that house and buy something smaller, something they can actually afford?
I'm sorry, I just don't see how it is YOUR responsibility to take care of their debt. I have set money aside for my death-expenses. So neither my husband NOR my kids will have to worry about that. They just have to follow my wishes, which I hope they will.
I have to ask, because I'm a curious person, is there a cultural aspect here? Is he from a different cultural background that you?
And what man with ANY SELF-RESPECT pressures his wife to work a second job while pregnant so HE can pay of his parent's debts? If ANYTHING you should SAVE up extra money for the new little one, YOUR little family and for "rainy" days.
I think if you PLAN on staying with him, you two need to budget and decide WHAT you can and can not afford to help with.
If you go in for a 500 a months for the next 10 years... You guys will go without for a LONG time and who is to say they won't make MORE debt or NEW debt once this is paid off?
I just don't know what to advice other than that. I'm sorry I dearly love my husband, but I would NOT feel bound to do this for his parent. One thing is a SHORT term help financially and otherwise, but 10 years? so THEY can keep their house while YOUR kids has to go without things? NO.
This would just be a no-no in my book. I wouldn't work my ass off for someone else's mistake (well, I would for my kids, but that is different).
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 February 2019):
 Absolutely not!
Is he out of his mind? Why the hell should YOU be grinding your ass off to pay back their financial mistakes? Who the hell do they think they are to make you feel shitty over the situation? This is for his parents to deal with, not you.
This actually make me chuckle whilst reading, he wants his parents home to be safe, whilst doing nothing himself and trying to get the only non blood related person in the family to contribute. Insane.
You’re idea was good! It’s your family or his parents. If he resents you so be it, you can always leave.
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