A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need sum help.. I don't need people judging me or giving me grief. I'm 25 and 9 weeks pregnant. I have been in an on/off relationship for some time. We were together for a few years and he cheated.. so I moved out and went no contact. 6 months later we met after he contacted me and we agreed to see each other but take it slow. We saw each other every so often and we were both quite happy with that. I suppose it became quite casual but as I said we were both happy - we were best friends. Now... 6 weeks ago I find out I'm pregnant. I was frightened to tell him for fear of how he would react plus this was a huge shock to me. I hadn't missed my pill or anything. Anyway he was ok to start.. told me he doesn't want kids etc but now he's changed. We argue constantly. He is very heavily controlled by his mum.. she has been verbally abusive to him alot over the years because she hates me - only met me once. And turns up at the house if he doesn't answer his phone to her. I can't begin to tell u how awful and controlling she is. And he ain't a little boy! He's 39!! Anyway.. now he says it was just a bit of fun with us and he thinks of the baby as a kidney stone.. something I need 2 have removed from my body. Sumtimes I think he's using reverse psychology to try get me to have a termination. He's very manipulative. Now he says me and baby can't stay there when first born as we will fight as we have been recently and also he won't be telling any1 he has a baby coming or I've had a baby. His mum knows and this all came after he told her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm frightened. I wanted a baby with the right person and now all I feel is hate towards him. Part of me thinks get a termination and be free of him forever.. never talk to him again but then the other thinks no.. how can I at this stage. Can I do this alone!? He keeps saying things like... I don't know how to react.. I feel nothing for it.. I will sort something out for u both if I want anything to do with it or u. How can he say something like this?? I'm stunned.. he's not the person I thought and it's taken me almost 4 years to see this. I have a great job but I'm still with my parents.. who I haven't told yet. I'm so confused. I'd appreciate any advice
View related questions:
best friend, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): I'm not trying to be an asshole but this situation is what abortions are for. You are early along in a pregnancy that nobody wanted, nobody is ready for, with a guy who sounds like annoying dead weight, and even he votes to abort.
If you are not totally opposed to the idea of abortions on principle (only you can answer that one) then this seems like an appropriate time for that.
The argument that abortions have emotional consequences is not enough to mean it's the wrong decision. When you are accidentally pregnant then anything you do is going to have emotional consequences including keeping the child or giving it up for adoption. There are no painless choices now so don't make the decision trying to avoid emotional pain. Look at all the factors and make the best choice in the long term for everyone, whatever you decide that is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): I think the best thing would be to either keep the baby or do adoption because its not the babys fault who the father is they din't get to choose who there father could be you did by sleeping with him i think if people are ready to have sex they should also be ready for what could happen like a baby. i wish you and your baby good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 I think that part of your confusion stems from trying to fit in somehow your waste of space of a boyfriend into the equation : how will he actually react if you do have the baby, what would he really want if he wasn't wax in his mother's hands, is he really ready to take at least legal / financial responsibility, is he going to help you and support you if you go for a termination...
In a way, that he is so childish and inept is a GOOD thing : you do not have to take him into account, and you do not have to worry about his actions and reactions. Simply- don't count on him. Pretend that you have been inseminated by a sperm donor, pretend that you are already a single mom, because that's tantamount what you are going to be when you have an unreliable companion.
Count him out and decide what you REALLY, deep down, want to do , what really you feel is best for you as if you were totally single ( well, in practice you are ).
It's scarier ? It's simpler. You can assess if you can make it financially on your own , or not. You can talk with your parents, see how they take it, if they are ecstatic or reluctant about helping you out with babysitting , if they 'd like you and the child to stay with them, or if you'd have to move our- how would you get organized with your work and schedule, etc.etc.
Be realistic, and if it's hard but not insanely hard, for you and the possible child, you can indulge the part of you that wants a child . ( Life IS hard, after all - as long as it's not insanely hard... )
If instead you feel that as of now you could not wing it , practically or emotionally (... and just winging it somehow perhaps is not in the best interst of this unborn baby - you have to think of it too ) then you can have it and put it up for adoption, or go for a termination.
At this stage ? yes, 9 weeks is still early. No prob, technically. Emotionally- you do not have to go through it alone. You can have your parents ' support, or some other female relative, you can have your FRIENDS to help you and support you - what are friends for if they do not come through in a frangent like this. You can, and should, talk to a counselor, private or public, which will help you sort though your feelings and fears. You've got NHS in your country, impossible that they do not have some hospital consultory for pregnant women considering their choices, we have it free of charge here in Italy, and you guys over there are more organized and well equipped in public health. You can talk to your OB/GYN , or even GP, and they can explain you any physical and emotional risks of such a procedure, and the best you could handle the psychological aftermath of it.
Point being, you do not have to go through a termination if this is not what you really want- but if you do ,no, you do not have to be or feel alone. ASK and there's help at your disposal.
The only one you should not bother to go for help is Mr. Waste- of- Space. And I hope this experience is the final push you need to get rid of him ( and his mother ) for good. Remember : if you opt for having the baby.... then, with Mr. Waste-of-Space, it's like you will have TWO babies to care for. Are you ready for twins :)?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 October 2014):
 If you can handle having the baby ALL on your own, I'd say consider keeping it/adopting it out - however - HE will ALWAYS be a part of your life if you keep it.
You really have 3 options:
1. Keep it (and raise it as a single mom, because your "casual bf" will be useless in that department.
2. Carry to full term & Adopt it out. (you will need HIS permission for this)
3. Termination.
If you decide to go with 1 or 2 you better inform your parents asap. You will need their support.
If you decide to go with option 3, you better get started on the process. Which means see your doctor, set up an appointment and get it done. MAKE SURE, you ask your doctor to find someone you can TALK to about this choice before AND after the procedure. Because while it might BE the best choice for YOU to NOT have a child with this ridiculous man, it will still be EMOTIONALLY hard on you. It's not something people do and then forget all about it. You will have to live with that choice for the rest of your life.
Do you have any really good female friends you can talk to about this? Who can support you through the process.
Either way, THIS is all on you. Yes, it's a heavy burden and it's so EASY for your "casual bf" to say DO THIS or DO THAT - because HE isn't the one having to go through it and OBVIOUSLY he doesn't CARE very deeply for you, because NO DECENT man would want his girl to go through this alone.
I had a termination scheduled when I was in my 20's (sucky situation, crappy bf, not at all ready for single motherhood) but a couple of days before the appointment I had a miscarriage. And even IF I had planned for an abortion, it still haunts me 20 years later. I think part of my depression started back here, over this. And it took me YEARS to deal with it. DO NOT repeat my mistake of NOT thinking you need help afterwards. YOU do. You will need to talk to someone. We can all rationalize it away, and why it's the BEST thing, but it is also so INGRAINED in us (women) that it's a "bad" thing to do. That is carried some portion of shame. So NIP that part in the bud and get counseling BEFORE and AFTER.
Also if you chose option 1,2 or 3 - LOSE the "casual BF" he is 39 and about as responsible as a freaking 3 year old little boy. CUT him out of your life 100%. I doubt he will want visitation or to help out in any way other than the mandated child maintenance and maybe, that is a good thing. He seriously sound like a shitty person.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): Only you can figure this out. It is all about what you want to do.
He has made it 100% clear that he wants you to have an abortion, so what he wants is not a question.
He may or may not come around.
You may end up being a single mom and it may be difficult.
Again, only you can decide. Only YOU.
I wish you the very best. Never ever forget those things he said to you.
...............................
|
