A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am pregnant with my boyfriend's baby. It was an accident. He wanted me to get pregnant tho. He was a player for a long time. He calls me names like whore, skank and bitch. He tells me to just deal with it. It's usually in bed but sometimes other. Now that I'm pregnant he is already criticizing me for gaining weight. Even tho I'm trying not to gain too much. I'm actually afraid to eat because I don't want him to cheat on me. He talks about us getting a home together but has no intention on marrying me. Should I tell him it hurts me when talks to me like this? Or just deal with it because he is the Father of my baby?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): As a man, I can honestly say he is abusing you. You and your future child deserve a loving environment, far from careless people like him.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (21 February 2018):
This guy at a minimum dislikes you and certainly has no respect for you. Of course it’s clear you have no respect for yourself otherwise you wouldn’t be with this loser. By the way he is still playing you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): I read your post and I don’t get is that your in the age bracket that you say you are and are willing to let this man treat you like this . I just don’t get it .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): Anyone here asking why you would be with him obviously has no understanding of the cudgel of abuse of the psychology of how abusers trap their victims . The questions should never be about why did she go to him. The question. Should always be why is he abusing
Society spends way to much time blaming the victims and not enough time holding these men accountable
As for this situation , I second what the majority of aunts have said . You need to lean heavily on whatever support is available and break free from this man . You and your child are goung to be much happier and safer without him .
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (20 February 2018):
 I second the opinions of the others, but in particular those expressed by the anonymous 'reader' and female anon.
Do you think your boyfriend is so dull witted that he really has no idea he's hurting or insulting you? If he's old enough to have sex and father a child, he's certainly old enough to grasp basic courtesies.
I don't see there being any hope with him. He's a loser and you picked him.
I say leave him at the curb with yesterday's trash.
Do you have family you could turn to for support while you transition to a single woman?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): [EDIT]:
"You brought out the worse in a man you should have never been with in the first place."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): Sweetheart, you have to remove yourself from his presence and out of the range of his toxicity. He is verbally-assaulting you and placing the blame of the pregnancy on you. He feels resentment and anger, because he feels trapped and forced into responsibility. His purpose is to drive you away, or into madness.
His moral-responsibility is to help you care for the child and provide financial-support for the baby until that child is the age of 18. You like too many other women in-love with monsters; think you can convince a man who doesn't love you to change his ways. You think you can appeal to his feelings; or you will love him into submission.
That doesn't happen. It's unrealistic, and you can't force people to love you; just because you think you love them.
He's so angry at you he beats you down constantly. It is to remind you of how you've ruined his life and burdened him with a responsibility he doesn't want. He never wanted to have a child with you. If this was your way to hold onto him, it has backfired. You bought out the worse in a man you should have never been with in the first place.
Offering advise to a woman who thinks she's in-love, but with the wrong man, is one of the most difficult issues brought to DC.
You ignore what you're going through hoping against hope that somehow the situation will change. That if you hold-on long enough he will see how devoted you are, that love changes people. No, love does not change people. People change because they love. Just because they tell you they love you doesn't mean they do.
Love is demonstrated through kindness, affection, emotional-support, protection, and loyalty. If none of these are present, you are simply addicted to each other. Held together by emotional-dependency. That is in no way even related to love. It's what many people mistake for love; because they find it hard to part from each other.
You must get-away from him. He's probably hoping the stress will force a miscarriage. Put you and your baby first. Your love is both misguided and unappreciated. It is wasted, and you are in danger for as long as you remain with him.
Call your mother, your parents, a sibling; or the closest woman you know. Seek someplace peaceful where you can stay, and get through your pregnancy.
Seek help through child-support authorities to get child-support. Your feelings for him are of no consequence. You'll just have to learn to detach yourself. You're a woman in her 40's, pregnant, and you should be well-experienced with dealing with men who are bad for you. When will you learn?
I think suggesting abortion is a little out of our realm of authority here; and that is a decision only you can make. It is not really good for us to place more stress on you; but to comfort you and advise you.
You need a safe-haven and a place to rest. You need shelter from the abuse. Call someone you're close to. Pack your things and go. Get a legal order of protection to keep him away from you. All you need from that man is child-support. Nothing else. Don't complain about being mistreated; if you don't take action to get-away from it. There are no magical words or spells we can offer that will make him nice to you.
You can seek spiritual advice, pray for strength; and find help through worship, if you have a faith. You'll still have to leave him. Prayer doesn't make people wrong for you, right for you. It helps you to accept that they are wrong and to let them go. It protects you, and brings you comfort.
If you are estranged from everyone you know; you had better mend every fence and rebuild every bridge you can. It's times like these you need people who genuinely care for you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 February 2018):
 An accident? But he wanted you to get pregnant? Did you not use birth control and condoms? He could have sabotaged a condom.OP, I'm sorry, but I have to ask.... WHY? Why are you with an ABUSER?Do NOT risk an underweight baby for a man who will NEVER be happy with you. You need to eat enough for your baby to grow properly. On top of that, you're also going to be an older mother (in birth terms), so you need regular prenatal appointments to make sure everything is okay.Let's be real, OP, as this isn't about you anymore: you really want him making such nasty comments to your unborn daughter or raising your unborn son to be abusive, like him? If not, wise up and leave him.You need to think like a mother now and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Abuse is horrible and you do NOT deserve it, but you have CHOSEN to stay this long. Now you're pregnant and, if you keep the baby, they will grow up with HIM as a father - whether you stay with him or not. Do not plague your baby with a father like that. Get legal help to sort out child support and find a local domestic abuse charity to help you get the strength you need to keep his involvement with the baby at a minimum.He wants you to depend on him, which is another reason you're pregnant, so he can abuse you for life. You will *always* be attached to him, as will your innocent baby.He KNOWS he's abusive. Telling him it hurts won't help - if anything, it'll make him feel even more powerful. You need to leave. This isn't love - you don't love him and he certainly doesn't love you. You're desperate enough to stay, whereas he just wants someone who will accept his abuse. STOP.You have a vulnerable, innocent child growing inside you. That baby will grow up with an abusive father - this man will NOT change. Start thinking of the baby, not of yourself.I know this will sound harsh, but seriously, OP. You are here asking for help to STAY with this ABUSER. You're not even here asking how to leave and protect your baby. PUT YOUR BABY FIRST!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): You should do neither. You should dump him and get a home on your own. He will have to pay child support, he can't ditch being a father and owning up to his responsibilities even if you move out. It's not like you are forced to stay and endure this treatment.
Respect yourself more. Think of your child, do you want him/her to grow up watching their dad treat their mother this way? What values will that child be taught?
Better to move out and allow yourself some happiness in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): I feel for you. But there is something I don't understand about some women who in spite of knowing his bad behavior, ignore all red flags continue to take abuse and still get pregnant by these assholes. He did not turn an abuser overnight. You knew how he is treating you all along your relationship but you still got pregnant instead of taking precautions and leaving him long ago.Now you not only subjecting yourself to lifetime of abuse you are also bringing an innocent child to be a part of a disfunctional family environment. Why weren't you smart enough to ask this question before your pregnancy. I know I sound a heartless person but what pisses me off is that these women get soooo Desperate for a guy and a relationship that they go to any measures to keep him even get pregnant and then suddenly acting like a victim. I actually feel so SAD for the unborn child who has no idea what kind of abuse he will be subjected to.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (20 February 2018):
 I also wanted to add, when a person starts with verbal abuse, what could be next?
Could he actually try to get physically violent with you?
Who knows and you certainly cannot predict this with 100% accuracy.
He's getting away with verbal abuse, because YOU ALLOW HIM TO, so he may think he can ramp things up to being physical.
This is certainly something to think about, even though you may not think he'd go this far.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (20 February 2018):
There are a number of issues here, but the main issue is that, you're now pregnant with this guys child.
You need to sit down and ask yourself what you really want in YOUR life and what YOU TRULY DESERVE.
I'm sorry to hear that this is how your partner treats you and i'm sure you're smart enough to know that what he says to you is beyond deplorable.
I don't wish to be the bearer of bad news, however, when a man loves and respects a woman, he will never, ever talk to her this way, so i'm confident/happy to conclude that your partner has NO respect for you.
YES, YES and YES!!!
You must tell him to stop talking to you this way, otherwise you will leave him, baby or not.
Seriously, tell him that you mean business, because this is exactly why he acts the way he does and tells you what he does, BECAUSE, he thinks you're a doormat, a pushover, a softie and somebody who will simply cower in the corner, when faced with verbal abuse and dominating, bastardly behaviour.
He's been getting away with it, so he continues with his verbal abuse.
You are in your 40s, not in your teens or 20s, so at your mature age, i would expect you to be much more confident and much more assertive toward this guy.
I know and respect the fact that we're all different, however, when it comes to verbal/physical abuse, this is where most people draw the line.
You must do what's right and what's best for YOU and for your unborn child.
You must eat and eat as much as you feel like, regardless of whether or not you gain a little weight.
Who cares if you do?!
Just because this guy says what he says, doesn't mean you have to abide by his rules and his conditions pertaining to how you should or shouldn't look.
You're pregnant for goodness sake!
What sort of human being talks trash to you, then gets you pregnant, then expects you to not overeat, gain weight and remain picture perfect??
Only in his dreams right?!
This man, his level of disrespect toward you is beyond unforgiving.
To want a baby, to get you pregnant, then to say that you're already gaining too much weight?
Is this guy for real?!
You should tell him that, UNLESS, you start eating healthy/regular meals daily, you and he may end up with a very sick baby or even worse, i'm sorry and sad to say.
YOU need to forget about his crap and start growing into your own skin, toughen up a bit and worst case scenario, show this guy where the front door is, if he refuses to stop treating you this way.
If you're living with him at his home, then you can always move out and head back to your family's home or move in with a friend, until you can get yourself back on your own two feet.
Sorry, however, i don't know whether or not you're employed and what your financial situation is, hence my above comments.
The bottom line is, your partners behaviour is WAY OUT OF LINE and he must stop treating you this way, because if he doesn't, he will eventually lose you.
UNLESS, you're totally insecure and overly dependant, do you really wish to live out the rest of your life with this guy?
Remember, being pregnant doesn't mean that you are obligated to remain within an abusive, neglectful and horrible relationship.
If anything, you and your baby will greatly benefit from a life of peace, spared from this guys verbal tirades.
Do the right thing by YOU and make some positive changes and ones that will forcefully make this guy show you the respect you deserve.
My final tip to you.
If YOU don't respect YOURSELF, you cannot expect OTHERS to respect YOU.
All the best and let me know how you go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): This guy sounds disgusting leave him immediately his abuse is terrible. Run don't look back there's men who treat women with love out there. I would have had an abortion personally why should you be treated so bad
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