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I'm pregnant after a one-night-stand. How do I tell him? 

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Pregnancy, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 December 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 20 December 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

4 weeks ago I had a one-night-stand with this guy. A couple of days ago I took a test. I'm definitely pregnant. I want to tell him but I don't know how to. The major problem is he is in a relationship and his girlfriend doesn't know we had unprotected sex- or even sex for that matter! I want to believe he'll leave her for me and baby but I just can't be sure of it. How do I tell him gently? Another problem is his girlfriend is my best mate, help! I've got myself into a right mess.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (20 December 2012):

There are 4 parts to this. There is you, your friend, the guy, and the baby.

In terms of the baby...

Obviously you need to decide if you are keeping the baby or not, and this is very much your decision. If you believe that the father has the right to be part of that decision too, then you can come to a joint decision with him, but ultimately most of the responsibility will fall on you, and you need to know how you feel about it. It is important to know that having the child is a choice, and it is important for you to understand the implications of what is going to be involved whatever you decide, understanding what will take place in the next few weeks, few months, year, and several years, based on your decision. Write a long list down on paper, its helpful. You also need to be prepared for the likelihood that as the father he might not take any responsibility at all. He may take plenty, but you need to be prepared for the possiblity of him taking none. This means financially, emotionally, etc.

In terms of the guy...

You need to know how you feel about the prospects of him as a father and as a possible partner. As a father, he may have equal rights to you in the raising of the child, so you need to know how you would feel about having a co-parenting relationship with him for the next 20 years or so. In terms of having a relationship with him, we don't have enough information to know how you both feel about each other. The one night stand might have been just that, or you might both secretly love one another, we don't know what your relationship is like. I am guessing you just used each other for sex. If that is the case, as other posters have written, he is unlikely to leave his current partner for you just because you are pregnant. It might make him more likely to run, given his age.

More importantly, his actions with you have shown he would make a very poor choice as a partner for you. He has a girlfriend, and cheated on her with you. That gives you an indication of his emotional or relational style. If he partners with you, it is very likely that he will repeat this style and cheat on you with someone else. This is increasingly likely with you because in allowing him to cheat in his current relationship with you, you are sending him the subtle emotional message that you think that it is ok for him to cheat. I'm not judging him, and I'm not saying he isn't capable of choosing to be different, but people need a reason to change who they are, and being with you would reinforce his way of operating, rather than give him a reason to change, most likely.

In terms of your friend...

You have slept with your friends boyfriend. You will know of course that your actions will have major consequences for your friendship, because this is a betrayal of trust, and all friendships and relationships are based on trust. No matter what happens to the friendship, whether you guys win or lose, make sure you don't lose the lesson. What I mean by this is, use this experience to fully appreciate what happens to you and your friend when you act in this way, what the impact is on you and on her, and use that knowledge to shape how you act in the future.

In terms of you....

Its worth thinking about how you "got yourself into a right mess", so that you can have a better understanding of who you are and how you operate emotionally, relationally, and in the world. For example, you write " I want to believe he'll leave her for me and baby..." as if you might have engineered the whole situation, that you secretly want to have this baby and wanted to have it with him, perhaps as a way of getting him to leave her for you. Maybe I'm wrong here, it might just be the impression I get from your post, but its worth thinking about why it is you created this situation, and why you want from it the things you want. For example, many people wouldn't want to have sex with their best friends boyfriend, or want him to leave her for you and the baby, but these seem to be things that part of you wants. Its worth thinking about.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012):

Big hug to you. But like you say it's a ONS, so I don't think he care at all. I'm sorry to rub in but what makes you think he is gonna leave his gf for u? Don't raise your hope high, if not you'll get very disappointed.

Talk to him about this and im sorry to say.. Prepare your heart and mind to get hurt by that ass.

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A female reader, FreshPrincess United States +, writes (16 December 2012):

This isn't a Disney movie. You're not going to get a fairy tale ending. No, he's not going to leave his girlfriend for you just because you're pregnant and no, you're "friend" isn't going to forgive you. I don't know why you seem kind of happy that you're knocked up by your BEST friend's man because I can guarantee he'll try to run from any responsibility and call you every name in the book before he accepts that child as his. You know what's worse? Your best friend will probably stay with him because he'll spin it around on you. You need to do what you think is best, but you better realize that you're probably going to end up alone, no friend or baby daddy, just like the girls on Teen Mom. Good luck to you because you're definitely going to need it.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (15 December 2012):

Aunty BimBim agony auntSee you doctor first for confirmation and then consider your options.

It is highly unlikely your best friend's boyfriend will leave her for you, and if he does the chances of any long term relationship are slim, there is no love on his part, he just saw you as a convenient receptacle for his sperm.

You are likely to lose your best friend for screwing around with her boyfriend, because friends, especially best friends, don't do that. There is also the fact he and she could split over this, unless he can spin her a good story, and if he does that guess who is going to be the bad guy.

So the future for you doesn't look good, no baby daddy and bo best friend to hold your hand and commiserate on what a slimeball he is to abandon the poor pregnant woman.

You need to be honest with yourself here, and don't go weaving any fairytale endings where this guy takes centre stage as you walk down the aisle in a frothy frou frou frock because it ain't gonna happen.

He's going to hate you for causing his girlfriend grief, your best friend is going to hate you for fucking her boyfriend and you are going to have to grow up pretty damned quick and face the reality of being a single parent.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012):

He isn't going to leave her for you and baby, if he does that makes him even more of a scum than he already is. So maybe he will. If so that would be a shame. What you did was wrong on so many levels. You betrayed your friend, you don't deserve to get the man except maybe him since he betrayed her too so maybe you two traitors both deserve each other and at some point you will be in her shoes when he gets another woman pregnant

I feel so sad for the gf. She has been betrayed by her partner and her best friend. You really destroyed her life and you aren't even sorry about it all you think about is yourself. That is so sad.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 December 2012):

Honeypie agony aunt

Well that is really messed up. Will he leave her for you? I doubt it and if he does I seriously doubt he will stick around, baby or no baby. And there is no doubt you will lose your friend too.

I suggest you go see your doctor and talk about your options - if you want to keep this child be prepared to be a single mom (nothing wrong in that), maybe you also need to look into adoption if you don't think you can care for a child alone.

Once you have been to your doctor and the pregnancy is confirmed by him, you need to call this guy.

Good luck and I hope in the future you will take better care of yourself then have unprotected sex.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012):

I can only assume you're keeping the baby?

And no OP, he's not going to leave his girlfriend for a one night stand girl and the best friend of his girlfriend.

OP there is no telling him gently, you can't soften something like this. Know that feeling when looked at the kit and it was positive? That feeling can't be softened can it?

Just tell him, but first go see a doctor and talk about pre-natal care. Also tell your doctor about the whole situation and see what they say. The first trimester is a very delicate time, having this whole thing explode, losing your best friend, most likely being rejected by this guy too, that may be too much stress for your unborn child to handle.

So discuss with your doctor what the best options are there, you may have to wait a while before you say anything.

Best of luck OP, remember the kid comes first, not your potential relationship with him, not your friendship with her. Whatever the doctor advises is best do that.

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