A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is in Cuba for one week on a guy's trip.I am beside myself with worry that he is going to cheat.I have read that prostitutes are around every corner there and they are dirt cheap. The anxiety is hard to take. I contact him a lot but he doesn't always answer back. And I have these images in my mind that are haunting me. I can't breathe and I am living in panic. How do I cope?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 How did things go for you?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2017):
 If you're in a panic every day then you definitely need professional medical and mental health care as soon as possible. What you described could be a symptom of PTSD but you need some one to examine, diagnose and establish a treatment plan for you.
One thing for certain is that your boyfriend isn't the one to solve this problem. It's up to you to make some healthy choices to help yourself.
Good luck with getting the help you need.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 January 2017):
 I think you realize that you need to spend some time on yourself, and so you can focus, you need to let go of this relationship. It is only exacerbating your symptoms which indicate a deeper problem(s). Let him read what you have written here so he will understand. Then get yourself back into therapy and get the help you need to sort this out.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 January 2017):
 You should ask him how his trip was and then carry on your life.
Why would you just assume he's slept with a prostitute? If I went on holiday and that's the first thing my wife asked me on my return I'd be questioning whether I wanted to stay with someone who has such little trust in me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): Hello eyeswideopen. It's the OP. I am much calmer when he is with me. When he is away from me, I am in a constant state of worry. :( Usually I can put the worry behind me and try to tell myself to calm down and that I am being irrational. But some days, the worry becomes too much to bear and I am up til the wee hours and this has become a pattern, where I am up worrying half the night and unable to sleep. I am constantly worried about his fidelity. No, he has never cheated on me before - AS FAR AS I KNOW. But a severely stressful and life changing episode in my life several years ago has caused me to become hyper vigilant. Does anyone know what that is? This is the way I live now. And I used to get therapy but I think I might need it again. Every day I am in a panic and it does not necessarily relate to just my boyfriend. I am always numbing myself and preparing myself for the worst case scenario. Even though it might never happen, I convince myself that it WILL. I feel like an anchor is pulling me down and I do not know how to take the weight off of me. I constantly have my back up against the wall, preparing myself for battle. Even if there is no real battle in sight. The battle is in my mind. It is now to the point where I am also feeling depressed and not taking joy in all the things I used to take joy in. I feel withdrawn and numb. I really need help to find myself again. The happy person I used to be. My boyfriend has been in contact. He said how much he misses me and can't wait to see me. And is on a plane home right now. I am not sure if I should have a talk with him at all? I mean, I do not want to be exposed to a sexually transmitted diseases if he did do something wrong. I am not sure if I need to ask him to wear condoms? I do not trust him fully. I have been working on the trust thing for a long time and I keep coming up empty. I know I will need to leave him if he continues to cause me so much anxiety. But I fear I have bigger issues at hand which play into my relationship issues. And I need to take care of those first.He has been loving and patient with me. But I worry that I will eventually drive him away. How should I handle it when he comes home? I will be seeing him soon.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 January 2017):
You know that some people are actually happier and enjoy life more if they stay single, right? What exactly does it take for you to feel relaxed in this relationship? I mean can you let him go on a night with the guys without a panic attack? Or are you only happy and calm when he is sitting right next to you on the couch? Just curious.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 January 2017):
Wow, he’s gone to Cuba? There are still lots of restrictions on travel there. I read the US government’s site on that. He would have had to bring a LOT of cash to cover all his expenses as US credit and debit cards essentially do not work there. While diplomatic relations have changed, going to Cuba on a men’s trip isn’t really a super popular US cheater’s destination just yet.
Stop dating boys, if you dislike boys being boys. Date MEN.
And finally, if you are experiencing crippling anxiety, panic attacks and cannot breathe, have been crying non-stop for two days, have a headache for that long and feel numb, you need to see your doctor ASAP. This is NOT a normal reaction.
You need help, from your doctor, ASAP.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 January 2017):
There are a lot of men haters on here, which I do think is rude and offensive to the agony aunt uncles on here, or men who come for advice.
Crying for two days straight because your boyfriend is away on holiday with the lads is NOT normal. If he has cheated on you in the past and you cannot trust him, then yes I understand but the bottom line is there really is no point being with someone you don't trust.
If it really is a case that you cannot trust any man then it is obvious that you have issues from your past that you have not dealt with and you need to seek therapy to overcome these fears.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 January 2017):
 Has he cheated on you before?
Does he ogle other women?
Does he make inappropriate comments about other women?
If you can say no to all the above, the BEST thing you can do for HIM (and for yourself) is to trust that he KNOWS how to behave.
My husband has MANY times had to pick up some of this drunk soldiers and a few times a drunk officer from a strip club - only times he went there. Both in the States and in Korea (the latter is ALSO known for VERY cheap prostitutes for soldiers) I have NO doubt that he kept it in his pants. He went to a bachelor's party where there were hookers and he left. And he is NOT a prude whatsoever. He said it was embarrassing to watch and gross.
JUST because guy have banter, and a penis doesn't mean they WANT to fuck every female with a pulse. And if they do I think you would have seen signs of that already. And if you have seen signs of that, WHY be with him.
Men are NOT slaves to their dicks. It's the worst excuse I have ever heard. That it goes against their nature to be faithful. BULLSHIT. It's a CHOICE. Yes, they CAN be aroused by other women, feel attraction, fantasize and FEEL tempted - JUST LIKE WOMEN!! but it's still a choice they HAVE to make.
For you to sit at home and CRY? Over something that hasn't happened - and that you have ABSOLUTELY no control over it is not healthy OP.
What is crying over it going to do?
I'm sorry, I agree with Auntie BimBim you are making men out to be being that are SOLELY controlled by their dicks. That they have NO morals or no control over their actions.
If this is how you see your BF - as someone who is so WEAK of mind that he would succumb to peer pressure to screw a prostitute - like he is a sheep or lemming.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): The OP's fears are rational, logical and perfectly understandable.
She has reason to be afraid.
Boys will be boys.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 January 2017):
 You need therapy. You shouldn't be with anyone you don't trust, but you also don't trust anyone, so counselling is needed - as the scale of your fears is irrational.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (17 January 2017):
 You can be defensive but know that the level of anxiety you are feeling is not even close to healthy. You are expressing some distorted black and white thinking. You should be able to function in the absence of your boyfriend. I recommend seeing a counselor as soon as you can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): Wow Aunty BimBim that is rather harsh.
She is describing her FEARS, and honestly she is right- there IS an evolutionary drive to seek variety. That doesn't mean he WILL give in to it, but let's face it there may well be a lot of pressure on this man to do bad things on a guys trip. That's often what guys trips are all about.
I don't think we should attack her for fearing that.
But I also think that she is so anxious, she is forgetting the possibility that he may be able to resist all the pressure...yes some men are strong in spite of it all.
Good luck OP. Have you talked to him recently? Have you asked him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): Hi Aunty Bim Bim.
It's the OP and I'm no troll.
We all have opinions and sometimes they differ from each other but we need to respect our right to voice them regardless of our differences.
Especially on a forum like this. Where all opinions are welcome.
Yes, there are a few good men like the movie title states. But not enough, sadly.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 Men are not brainless lumps of meat who, when they see a bit of pussy (to use President Elect's terminology) just have to whip out the old fella and let it have its way.
How insulting your words are to so many good, honest, hardworking, loving, monogamous, faithful men in relationships, both homosexual and heterosexual.
As long as you hold those awful opinions and views on men you WILL be in a no win situation.
This comment of yours: "To go against genetics? Biology? Evolution? Peer pressure? And the urge that all men have to seek variety"???? has me thinking you are a troll, here to set up a stir, for such opinions do not belong in this world of ours.
If you are NOT a TROLL then the sooner your boyfriend learns what you really think of him and sends you on his way the better off he will be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): It is the OP.
I have been crying non stop for two straight days. To the point where I have a pounding headache and feel numb.
I know I cannot stop him. Feeling powerless is part of the pain.
And I just wish he could actually be one of the good guys. A good guy is what I deserve. I am too good to be with a pig. And so many men are pigs. And when they are in groups? Well, let's not even go there.
But what is to stop a guy when sex is staring him in the face and its dirt cheap? Nothing. Not even the love he has for his girlfriend. Because most men would put that aside for a quick roll in between the sheets with some young, strange hooker. They would shut you out and compartmentalize you 'til it's over. Then they will compartmentalize the hooker experience when it's over when it's time to come back to you. It will not matter that his girlfriend is HOT and SEXY and works out and has a hot body and he says she is the best sexual partner he has ever had. All that would go down the drain, in the blink of an eye, when an opportunity presents itself far away from home that is no strings and will forever remain in the vault. Because men are weak.
How do I trust him to be strong?
To go against genetics? Biology? Evolution? Peer pressure? And the urge that all men have to seek variety????
I think I am in a no win situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): I have wasted so much of my time worrying about my man being with guys and if he will cheat. The only thing I can tell you to do is to not worry because it won't help, but of course, that is hard to do and I understand it is hard.
If you look inside yourself and use your intuition and have faith in your own self, you will gain courage and strength. Know first of all, that if your man is going to cheat....there is nothing you can do about it. Hounding him believe it or not will probably increase the chance of him cheating.
If it happens, it happens. But, have faith in him. If you believe he is a good and honest person who loves you with 100% of his heart, he won't cheat on you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2017):
I agree with Cindy.
While sex WILL PROBABLY be offered to him, the CHOICE is his. The choice to say no, thank or yes.
And the ramifications are HIS as well. IF he gets caught with a prostitute it will COST him an arm and a leg or jail time. And he would probably lose his GF as well, correct?
I am a worry-butt. It's what I do. I worry and worry over everything. The times I don't worry is when crap hits the fan. I do this because I'm OCD. It's one of my most stubborn rituals I have dealt with for 30 years. Intellectually I KNOW that worrying DOESN'T really prevent bad things from happening.
JUST like YOU need to accept that you panicking about him going to Cuba is NOT going to change a thing. If he is WILLING to cheat the location doesn't matter.
My guess is they chose Cuba NOT for the cheap prostitutes, but the diving, caving, concerts, the beaches, and the sun. IF they were just looking for sex, they could have done Vegas.
The bottom line is this, CAN YOU TRUST your BF? DO you trust your BF?
Since he is a GROWN man I will presume that he won't fall for "peer pressure" and have sex with a prostitute because "everyone else did".
Wish him a safe trip and keep busy while he is gone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): My advice would be to stop contacting him. See if he is bothered about how YOU are? You can't do anything about whether or not he is cheating. However, when he is back it might be wise to allow any truths about the trip to surface before you have unprotected sex for example. You need to look after yourself first and worry about him second.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): Unless he is truly the "touristy" type and truly going only to take in the sights, he is going to have a hard time not getting laid there. If you have doubts, then you acknowledge the potential for him to be unfaithful.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 It depends what kind of man is your bf and what kind of all guy's trip to Cuba this is.
Sadly, Cuba is very well known world-wide as a destination for a thriving sexual tourism industry ( - catering to both males and females. It's sexual tourism, but at least is gender-blind and equal -opportunity based ). It's not a matter of "giving Cuba a bad name"- it is what it is. In some countries prostitution is just more wide spread , inexpensive and accessible than in others . Yes, there's " fear of being caught " because soliciting can get you up to 3 years in jail- but , like with any law, there's always ways to elude the law, when need is stronger than fear. For instance ,only a very naive chica would try to follow a foreign client to his hotel room- she would probably be arrested before setting foot in the hall. But, every chica has a grandma or aunt or friend who " lends " her a room to entertain her foreign " friends ", and the police, who keeps an eye on typical touristy, high end places, sure can't , and won't , follow around every tourist and every Cuban walking together .
So, as a single man, or part of a group of single men, you can BET he will receive sexual offers - by " jetineros " ( pimps ) more often than by the girls themselves. He is a tourist, he is a stranger, compared to them he is " rich " by definition ,probably he is white- of course ! that he will get plenty of offers .
BUT, he does not have to say yes, or : how much.
He can just say politely : "no gracias. " " no me interesa ". Nobody will force him to hire a hooker, or will be able to convince him if this is not his cup of tea.
So, I guess it all depends how well you know him, his tastes and his values. How does he feel about paying for sex, or about men who pay for sex. And how vulnerable to temptation he is,once temptation is served to him on a silver platter. ( Then again, some men would NOT be tempted at all by mercenary sex, no matter how cheap and easily obteinable ).
Also , what was the declared intent of this trip. Cuba is great for fishing, snorkeling, trekking. It's interesting for a lover of colonial history or architecture. Or of social studies . Or for someone who's fond of percussions, Cuban " son ", and salsa dance.
Or else, ... yes, it is a favourite destination for sexual tourism.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Hey that's not a very nice thing to say about Cuba! There are temptations everywhere, possibly even in the place where your boyfriend works or in the house next door. Why give Cuba a bad name? If he had to, he would cheat right under your nose and you wouldn't know.
Just yesterday there was an article in the daily mail about people cheating in relationships and someone said that they're having an affair with their wife's friend and all three of them even have lunch together often and the wife has no idea.
So you see, if he had to, he would cheat anyway and not wait to go to Cuba!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 January 2017):
Why are you with him if you're this scared he'll cheat. Him responding constantly won't reassure you. Either trust him or break up. You need to get therapy, if you're worrying yourself silly.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 January 2017):
Everywhere, everywhere in the world there are hookers, standing on corners, working the bars, lurking in stairwells, yes, possibly even just around the corner from where your boyfriend lives there is a hooker, just waiting like a dark malevolent shadow ready to grab the unwilling suspect and to force them to part with their money in return for sexual favours.
Why would your boyfriend be more likely to have sex in Cuba than he is on a boys night out in his home town?? What makes you so paranoia. If the man is going to cheat he will cheat where ever he is, if he is going to play up for the boys and pay for sex in Cuba he is going to do it at home.
If you cant trust him you cat trust him, regardless where he visits or who he is with. The same goes for trustworthy, sexually monogamous men, if they stay faithful at home they will be faithful away.
Is he attached to your hip at home?? I doubt it, and if he isn't answering your texts there is probably a good reason for it ... for example he might be having fun with his friends, you know, the guys who all went away without their female companions so they could have some guy time.
So, if he doesn't cheat at home, have faith, if he does cheat at home then work out why that is better for you than him cheating in Cuba
Give him a break, let him have fun, leave the texting to the bare minimum, like "Goodnight, hope you had a great day, I cant wait to hear all about it when you get home XX"
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 January 2017):
Why do you think he's going to cheat? What indicators or signs has he shown? Or are you just that insecure you can't trust him when he's out of your sight?
I've been on many holidays with my male friends and never once been tempted to pay for sex when many of my friends have. Not everyone is that way inclined you know.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): Since you've provided no background information, if I were your boyfriend then I'd be grievously offended that you'd even consider the possibility that I might want to pay a random stranger for sex. I wouldn't want to be with a woman who thinks so little of me AND who is such a self-absorbed drama queen.
The purpose of a guys' trip is to enjoy time away from their girlfriends, he doesn't always answer because he believes its rude and inconsiderate to text in the company of others.
You have issues, and they're not with your boyfriend. I respectfully suggest you seek counseling to address your paranoia.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): Take a deep breath. Ok...you have no reason to believe he is going to cheat on you with a prostitute from what you have said here. With that being said, I completely understand your worry, as guys trips are the cause of much anxiety to many women, myself included. It is always best if you can discuss boundaries with your man BEFORE he goes abroad. You can definitely talk to him about your worries when you do get a hold of him on the phone. Explain you've had these terrible images of him doing this...is this anything he has done? Say you are worried it is a premonition. See how he responds. Also, do you know why he was having a guys trip? Bachelor party? Just decided to go with his friends?There is probably going to be some drinking and partying, but for all you know it could be totally innocent. I would imagine a lot of guys wouldn't like the thought of picking up an std from a prostitute, no matter how cheap. Not to mention if he values love and fidelity? But you know him best, so I think you need to use your intuition here (but definitely also discuss this with him).
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (16 January 2017):
I was just on Cuba and there is a lot of fear of being caught. It's way easier to get a Hooker in Vegas for example.
That aside, why do you think he's going to cheat? Has he been unfaithful? Did he make reference to it?
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